(Closed) Really trying to be understanding but…

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
1471 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

@OneOfTheseDaysAlice:  I understand and would be frustrated as well. But as you said, they live in the house and see each other every day…for a few more weeks. Maybe the impending move, no matter how excited he is about it, is weighing on him and he’s feeling responsible toward his family in his last few weeks at home. Patience might be the key here. Definitely keep letting him know how you feel, but pretty soon you’ll be the one he’s seeing every day and he will have to make plans with his brother. 

Post # 4
Member
1697 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Yes, I am selfishly irked by how much my now husband spends caterering to his DOG. That aside, it’s his brother and he’s in a funk. My BFF’s brother is the same way, depressed cause he’s living with mom and his Bro is in a great relationship. Tough it out a couple of more weeks, and maybe invite the brother out with you two, you may have to share your man for awhile but it’s better than not seeing him at all! 

Post # 6
Member
1471 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

@OneOfTheseDaysAlice:  Oh, yeah, in that case…I’d be way more frustrated. Have you tried telling him not just that you’re frustrated, but how it makes you feel (like you’re less important, etc)? I had to have that convo with Darling Husband a long time ago about video games (haha), and that made him understand better. 

Post # 9
Member
5543 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: December 2011

Uh… his brother is a grown man. There is no place where it is  blow off your SO for your sibling you still live with in the same house. It isn’t like he is moving across the country either, or apparently permenantly. Personally, that would be a pretty serious issue. I love my family, we have a wonderful relationship but eventually when you are an adult, you have to BE an adult and do things like get a job, stop mooching off mom and dad and put effort into your relationships. Your SO is a 25 year old man, about to graduate college with what seems to be a serious relationship. I would have some problems with the fact that he has no issues running back home after using you to not have to commute so far to his uni. 

Post # 10
Member
1332 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Sometimes guilt gets the best of us, and it sounds like your SO is feeling guilty for leaving his bro, thus overcompensating by spending all his time with him.  It also sounds like his bro is capitilizing (assuming he is the one asking your SO for all his attention) on this guilt, and your SO is not strong enough to stand up or realize it.  Regardless, I had issues with time management/priorities with my SO…and still do from time to time.  Instead of ‘nagging’ him about the issue, I try to ask mind opening questions, which usually helps.  Some of those questions from you could be

‘I understand that your brother needs you right now, because he is sad, but will he want the same kind of time when he gets another girlfriend?!  Or, will he realize then that relationships also require time and nurturing, and understand why we (you and him) need our time together too?!’

‘If the situation were reversed, and you were left heart-broken, and he was in a relationship, would he make the same decisions to break plans with his gf all the time?!’ 

‘Would you be OK if it were me cancelling plans ALL the time to tend to a friend/sibling in need?!’

Questions that are not meant to make him choose, by any means, but get him to think that while he is giving 100% to this relationship with his brother, would his bro do the same?!  And/or if it were you giving 100% to one, and not much to your relationship with him, would he understand?!  Good luck!

Post # 11
Member
332 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

The fact that he is moving back in with his family changes a lot of things. I would have said you get him all to yourself when he does move in but you won’t for long. Even if you were to, it doesn’t mean his brother wouldn’t try crashing with you guys or he wouldn’t be visiting his family (btw have you talked to him about that). I can see why you are upset. I get being there for him but come on, he’s moving back in with them and it’s not like his brother was married (not sure much about that relationship though) he’ll get through it. Doesn’t his brother have any friends?  

Post # 14
Member
183 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

UGH I can relate. My previous husband whom i miss dearly 🙁 he passed away a few years ago, had this bromance relationship with his cousin. It drove me NUTS. Serioulsy I would call Dh and the cousin would answer the phone etc. It was beyond annoying. The cousin was in a similar situation as your FI’s bro, expect he had issues with his childs mother etc and used Darling Husband for rides to places and just to be like by his side for no apparent reason.

Long story short after we got married all of that calmed down. It never truly went away completely but the slight distance between them did dis-courage the 24-7 hanging out issue.

 

Post # 15
Member
1013 posts
Bumble bee

God.  What an ahole.  Sorry but he is.  Schedule a date and if he dares break it there will be hell to pay.  Tell im HE needs to grow up and realise you should not be in competition with his brother for his attention. He should be able to manage both.

 

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