(Closed) Really trying to stay calm

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
1177 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Ugh. I’m so sorry this is happening to you. Sometimes it seems like weddings just bring out the absolute worst in some people, and your mom is one of them.

In your place I would just stop talking to her about the wedding (and maybe about anything else, if she’s like this all the time). It sounds like no matter what you do, she is going to treat you badly, so you have to protect yourself. It sounds like your dad is the (semi) sane one, so maybe you could keep him updated directly.

Post # 4
Member
7311 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast

It is a hard lesson to learn, but a valuable one….. a huge part of planning a wedding is the act of establishing boundaries with your families of birth. As hard as it must be, try to think of this as an opportunity to set boundaries with your parents about what behavior you will and will not tolerate. “When you do x, I feel y. I do not enjoy feeling y, therefore I will no longer tolerate  behavior x. If you do it again, there will be consequence z. I DON’T WANT consequence z. Please do not make me go there. But of you continue to do x, you will leave me no choice in the matter.” It’s like dealing with a child. You lay it out VERY clearly, and then you stick to it. Because if you keep letting them get away with behavior x now during wedding planning, that will give them permission to continue doing so throughout your married life, when you have kids of your own, etc. It may hurt like hell to stick to your guns, but doing so will protect your marriage and any future kids from such a toxic influence. Good luck!

Post # 5
Member
2375 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

Honestly, I think you and your parents all need to work on your communication skills.  You’re sending a whole lot of mixed messages here.  When you start by outwardly happily agreeing with the flowers and the groomsmen wearing dress shoes and going along with everything your mom likes, then go to sobbing over a cake and then throwing their money back at them and saying you want to do all this yourself, I can see where a LOT of the hurt feelings come from.  You’ve got to stop the emotional train wreck before it gets to that point.  Learn to pick your fights and identify what matters to you.  And learn to disagree without the waterworks.  Crying just amps up the emotional response, and does nothing to help your case.  Learn how to calmly say ‘Mom, I respect your opinions, but I’m going to do X instead of Y’.  Do not engage in the fight, just stay cool and collected.  If she chooses to escalate the situation, walk away.  This WILL come up again in the future if you have kids, so don’t just think it’ll go away after the wedding.

Post # 6
Member
1360 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

Your mom sounds a lot like what my mom used to be like, I realized when I was about 12 when she took me to a nutritionist because Inwas getting chunky (read: started getting my period and gained ten lbs and I was 12!) that I was her daughter and could be just as strong willed as she was. And we fought, I can not tell you how badly we fought, up until I was 17 or so, when in the middle of one fight I told her she was a spoiled brat and a complete bitch (only time I’ve said this to my mom and feel bad about it to this day) that I loved her because she was my mother but that the love was wearing thin, that I would always love her because she was my mother, not necessarily because I wanted to ( I know that is rough and it was a really really bad fight). That just because everyone else would put up with her crap because they didnt want to have to deal with her didnt mean I would and she could either get over herself and grow up and let me be a person or we would just keep fighting because I was not giving in anymore. I would always listen to her and respect and value her opinion because she is my mother and is wise and knowledgable but she had to respect and value mine as well.

She mocked me at first but when she saw that I was dead serious, and I had no issue staying mute and pleasant while she went into a full fledged fight in public, and when she was done ranting I would just say: I’m glad you feel better and got that of your chest, but I’m still doing it my way and then ignore her if she stormed off, She eventually started giving ground some and now we’re super close! Its hard because this is such an important time in your life and you want your mom to be there with you, but it kinda sound like you need to set some boundaries and limits with her. My mom still drives me up the wall becuseshe thinks she and only she knows best? Yes. Does she get the point when I say mom, its going to be this way because I want it this way and if I make a mistake well, too bad, I’ll learn but I want this. Yes, is she happy about it? Hell no. But if we didnt get to this point I probably would not be speaking to my mother at this moment in my life. 

Don’t apologize to your dad. Be straight forward sweety. Flat out tell your dad that your mom was making it her day and her dream wedding, not yours. And when you tried to disagree with her she would get angry and you didnt want to deal with the stress. Your dad has to know how your mother is and know you’re not lying. Tell him that you want her help, but that she doesnt get the final say and she cant get mad when you dont do things her way because well, that is a 7 year old kids move. Actually I think you should sit down with both of them and have this conversation, she will get mad and have it be hell, orobably. Work on being assertive and how to maintain control of a conversation and it should help. Also I would call your brother and sister and tell them off for bowing out for a reason like this, its really childish.

Post # 7
Hostess
11657 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2014

I am so sorry to hear that you have to deal with this.  Yes, the people who are paying get a say but they shouldn’t completely disregard your feelings and if you’re paying it should be your choice.  As for the officiant, unless you’re Catholic and booked a Rabbi (or something extreme) I can’t see why she’d be THAT upset….(or if you went to a church other than the one you or your FH went to growing up)….

 

I really hope your family can come together and support you!

Post # 8
Member
858 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2018

@rainbowdashpony:

Them not liking how he sticks up for is not a reason for them to dislike him.  I stick up for my fiance all the time.  My in-laws may not always like it when I stick up for him but they know that it’s because I love him.  My fiance’s mom is very upfront and opinionated.  She and I may not always agree about things but we are very close.

I’ve kind of been where you are right now.  While my parents weren’t paying for my wedding they were still very controlling.  Everytime I disagreed with them and I didn’t give in they would either spread rumors about me or yell at how wrong and rude I was being to them.  They never once cared about my actual happiness.  It was always either their way or they would do anything to get me to give in.  We would not talk for months because it would get so bad and everytime I went back was because my mom would say something how like they want to make it work and i’m the only greymonkey42 she has.  Eventually I got sick of it all and I told them that I never wanted to see or hear from them again.

I’m not saying you should tell them you are done with them.  It’s not for everyone because it’s not easy.  In my opinion it’s worth it.  You should do what ever will make you happy.

I hope everything gets better for you.  I’m really sorry that you are going through this.  If you ever need anyone I’m here for ya.

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