Post # 1
Sorry in advance if I am rambling. I have written about my sister before, but now that I am officially engaged, I am missing her even more.
Long story short-My sister and I had a VERY stupid fight in January 2010. She dragged Fiance into it. It was so stupid that I don’t even want to explain it. Basically, she asked us to do her a favor and we agreed. A week before she needed the favor done, she said she needed it right away. We said no, we weren’t planning on getting to to you until X date, like you asked for. This caused her to flip out. Stupid, right? By the way, the favor had to do with her friends bridal shower invites.
We all apologized to eachother and I thought we were passed it, but my sister refused to speak to me. Over the next 18 months or so I reached out to her several times. Each time I was met with a different response-sometimes she said she missed me, and the next time I reached out to her, she wouldn’t speak to me. We talked on the phone for the first time since the fight about 3 weeks ago. The topics stayed pretty neutral and I thought it was a step in the right direction.
Well, a week later I got engaged! I was and still am so thrilled! My fiance and I called our families, and he told me I should call my sister. I was hesitant, but I also was excited to share the good news. The response I got was heartbreaking. She said “Oh….congrats”, and then hung up. My heart was broken and it was so hard to not let that ruin such a appy day. I havent heard from her since.
We are 2 years apart and were so close growing up. I always imagined her being my Maid/Matron of Honor. I am having a hard time even getting started with wedding planning, and her not being a part of it is a huge reason for that. I feel like I am grieving the loss of a sister…and she lives 30 minutes from me.
I just really dont know what to do. I am trying to come to terms with the fact that she obviously wants nothing to do with me, but its hard. Especially over something so minor.
Thanks for reading this!
Post # 3
That is so sad. Have you spoken to your parents about this. Maybe they can help resolve the issue.
Post # 4
@trugem: Yup, my mom is aware. Our dad passed away when we were younger, so that really adds to my sadness as well. His death broke us, but actually made us an incredibly close family.
My mom has tried but my sister is stubborn. My mom feels terrible but there isnt much she can do at this point.
Post # 5
@Bostongrl25: 🙁 I’m sorry. I hope she comes around. She will regret it big time if she doesn’t.
Post # 6
So she’s been pretty much giving you the silent treatment for a year and a half over a friend’s bridal shower invites? Wow, overreaction much…
I’m very blunt and the tough love sort when it comes to people being unreasonable, so I’d probably either go over to her place or get her on the phone and tell her to suck it up; does she really want to ruin her relationship with you over stationery? I’d let her know that having her as a part of your wedding would mean a lot to you and that you hope she can get over what was basically a super-sized temper tantrum and act like your sister again.
And if she wants to throw away a relationship over a few pieces of paper, well then she’s going to be one lonely person someday, because most people would have given up on her by now.
Post # 7
I’m sorry you are going through this, from personal experience I know it sucks. I don’t have any good advice for you, but if you ever need to talk don’t hesitate to reach out.
Post # 8
@linguo42: Yup…you got it. An 18 month silent treatment. She used to do things like this growing up, but never for this long. And really, she is 25 years old now. Time to grow up, right?
I have tried giving her the tough love talk, my family has as well. But it breaks out into an all out war of her screaming and saying horrible things about me and my Fiance. There are only so many times I can put myself through that before I have to walk away. But it’s breaking my heart. Every time I think about it…I cry. Even though she is acting crazy and irrational, she is still my sister and I miss her 🙁
Post # 9
While it sucks not to include her in the wedding planning and stuff because she is your sister, even if she comes around and starts acting like and adult today and apologizes and vows to never do this again, you can’t trust her. She’s a loose canon, and you don’t need that in your bridal party.
Sometimes, regardless of how closely related someone is to you or what they used to mean to you, you need to cut their toxic influence from your life. If your sister wants to act like this and be alone, let her. You don’t need her ruining what should be a very happy time for you.
Post # 10
Just wanted to follow up on this…because Im having a really hard time still.
I reached out to my sister via email (I know, its not the best way. But I couldnt handle a phone call or in person convo. about this.) and basically said lets drop this, start over, and move on. I told her that I missed her and never imagined going through this exciting time without her.
A couple emails went back and forth. Basically she said that she missed me too but that she hates my Fiance and she blames him 100% for everything.
Im just devastated. I believe she is being totally unreasonable and selfish, but I miss her. In my heart I dont believe my Fiance did anything wrong, and I dont know what she wants from me.
Im just so sad 🙁
Post # 12
You must be the adult in this situation because you can only control yourself. Your sister may need a little more time not to get over the fight but to mature. As short and unpredicatble as life is one cannot afford to take family for granted over something as petty an invitation regardless of what was promised to her. You have reached out. You have done your job. Step away and now wait until she gets to the place where she needs to be. I know it hurts but unfortunately no one ever said that in this life you wont hurt. You have to keep loving her, hold your head up high and move on. Continue your communication with her but don’t expect your ideal response. Let her know that there is always an open door of communication with her and that you love her. Its okay that she may not like your Fiance becasue you are marrying him not her. She has to come to the realization on her own that whaterver she is blaming him for number one cant be changed and number two is not his fault. 25 is still very young (expecially with these kids out here today) so give her some time.
Post # 13
I’m having issues with my bro’s SO, so much so that it’s causing problems with wedding invites and such, because to me, the SO is the reason my relationship with my brother now sucks. It’s a very long story, and irrelevant to my advice (though it was a bigger deal than shower invites, at least from my perspective), but it does kind of give me the other side of this.
So, from this side (sort of), my advice would be to try to work on building your relationship with your sister without your fiance–don’t bring him to lunch to meet up with her, and at first, don’t even mention him/talk about the wedding, etc. Take the time to focus on what you’ve shared, and why she’s an important part of your life. As you start to reconnect, she’ll hopefully begin to see the role of your Fiance in your life, but don’t focus on trying to get her to like your FI–it’s putting pressure on the already-strained part of your relationship.
And good luck! It’s hard to lose a relationship with someone who used to be a big part of your life. I hope you are able to reconnect, but be willing to giver her the time she needs to come around.
Post # 14
So another follow up.
My Fiance and I invited my sister over to our house recently for a cookout. We bought our house last year and they had never seen it. It was the first time I had seen her or her boyfriend in over a year. Neither said congrats on the engagement, asked to see the ring, or even said “Hey..nice house”. I wasn’t looking for compliments, but some sort of ackowledgement for all they have missed would have been nice, but oh well.
We invited them over as a way of hopefully putting everything to rest, and as our way of saying “ok..lets move on”. Dinner was ok, with just a few awkward moments/silence. My Fiance did a great job of talking to them, and making them both feel welcome. Especially after my sister made it known to everyone of her hatred for him.
Long story short, I thought this would be a way start our relationship again. I didnt hear from her again for about 3 weeks and I was really starting to get discouraged, because I felt like everything had gone pretty well. Then one night recently I got a text from her basically yelling at me that my mom was yelling at her. Make sense? No? I didn’t get it either, nor do I understand what it had to do with me. But anyways, I haven’t heard from her since then.
I just keep getting SO sad. I really thought that by inviting them to our home we would start the path towards repairing our relationship. She kept telling my brother she misses me, but her actions don’t show it. I can’t keep reaching out to her and not getting anything in return.
I just got an email about a bridal show next month, and I really want to go…but I have nobody else to go with. My girl friends live far away, and my 2 bridesmaids (FI’s sisters) live a plane ride away. I keep thinking about inviting my sister, but I am terrified of what will happen. Her actions are so unpredictable, and I still am not over the hurt she has caused me and my fiance.
Ugh. Sorry for the long vent. Just having a pity party. If you made it this far…thank you!
Post # 15
My sister and I had a complete falling-out recently and it was serious enough that we didn’t speak to each other for a long time. It’s taken us years to begin healing what once was a strong bond. I was devastated without her and hurt enough that we were beyond apologies. It just took time.
I’m a big believer in it doesn’t matter who apologizes first. Just apologize. Reach out to her and let her say whatever she needs to say. Sometimes people just need to be heard.
Post # 16
@Bostongrl25: Oh my. I remember the problems you were having with your sister, and I’m so sorry they haven’t been resolved yet.
I feel for you so much and I can relate. In January 2011 some family Drama happened between my parents and my brother & his girlfriend. She is ripping apart our family and I haven’t talked to my brother really since april. I chatted with him for about an hour late last month, thinking I could try to patch things up, maybe help him see where my parents are coming from and how hurt we all are that we haven’t seen or heard from him in months. It ended up with me bawling my eyes out and him telling me that our families feelings are invalid. I haven’t heard from him since, and he’s been invited to our wedding (without her, that’s how bad it is!) and I’m just not even sure what to make of it. He hasn’t shown one ounce of exitement towards my engagement, he never sent back his rsvp.
Honestly, I completely understand where you’re coming from. I guess, what I’ve decided to do (whether correct or not) is to let it play out it’s course. Let them stay mad because we can only do so much, and if they aren’t willing to make it work in return, there’s nothing left to do.