(Closed) really want to write our own vows…BUT fiance is scared to…

posted 9 years ago in Grooms/men
Post # 3
656 posts
Busy bee

I’m your Fiance in this situation and I would HATE it if he kept pushing me to write our own vows.

I’m not a ‘public displays of affection’ kind of girl, and I have trouble putting my feelings into words. Honestly? It would ruin the ceremony for me if I had to put myself out there like that in front of all those people.

If your Fiance is getting uncomfortable at the mention of it, please drop it. Your dream to say your own vows doesn’t ‘top’ him being uncomfortable during his own wedding ceremony.

Post # 5
3525 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

The one thing my FH wants is for us to write our own vows. I’m really, really shy and wanted to do something like, “I give you this ring as a symbol of my love and loyalty,” and exchange rings and that be the only thing we say. But it’s so important to him that I’m doing it. 

What about taking traditional vows and making them your own? You could take bits and pieces of different traditional vows (different religions/denominations have their own, which could work even if you’re not religious) and put them together to make customized versions. It seems like a good compromise. 

Post # 6
42 posts
  • Wedding: June 2013

Fiance and I want to write our own but both of us are really not sure how to go about it and it is pretty intimidating. We want something unique too. One option we are considering is sitting down together and writing vows, like mutual promises both of us will make to each other. I think it will be cool to write them together, both making the same promises, with just a few differences. Plus it takes the pressure off of each individual if that makes sense because we will write them as a team. Would your Fiance be up for something like this?

Post # 7
2803 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015


View original reply
@Whitney818:  I think this idea is exactly the compromise you are looking for OP. 

You can also promise to write love letters to each other the day of the wedding and have a groomsman/bridesmaid deliever them to you. That way you still get your full letter from him that you can keep. 

Post # 8
4996 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

You can personalize other things in your ceremony without writing your own vows. Would he be into picking readings? You can even write the vows that you will repeat or say “I do” to. That way it’s less personal but still includes your words. 

Post # 9
751 posts
Busy bee

If he’s uncomfortable with sharing detailed, personal vows, why doesn’t he find a poem? Author Neil Gaiman read an e.e. cummings poem to his wife as his vows during their wedding. I’ve always thought that was so dreamy and romantic. That way, the words are heart-felt, and he took the time and effort to find the perfect poem, but they aren’t his personal words…so he shouldn’t be embarrassed. 

Post # 10
7225 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

Why can’t he write his vows but read them to you in private? That way, he doesn’t have to feel awkward in front of a million people and you still get your intimate squishy feelings.

Post # 11
251 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I like that suggestion, it might be nice if you’re planning a first look.

Our venue sent a packet with several versions of vows and some poems.  I don’t want to do a poem–I read a poem at my sister’s wedding and remember not a word of it, and went to a wedding once where a poem was read in a foreign language, but NOT in a translated form, so while the presentation was heartfelt, I didn’t get more message than that–hey!  he could write his vows and you could translate them into a language none of your guests understand!  That way he can be publicly sentimental to you and not embarrassed.

Post # 12
24 posts
  • Wedding: June 2013

It was the other way around for us.  He wanted to, I really didn’t.  I’m used to expressing myself and I’m a decent writer but the idea of putting my feelings into words seemed totally impossible.  I’m so glad we’re not doing our own vows.  

Now I just have to struggle with the idea of kissing him all day in front of people and having our picture taken all cuddly without making a face.  Oh and dancing while people watch.   

Uh! I sound horrible and I love him to no end but I am so uncomfortable with all these things in public.

Post # 13
1781 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

@Everdeen:  I really like that idea. 

All those sweet notes and cards that he writes are for YOU.  They’re not written for all the world to see, and I think he feels the same way about writing the vows.  It’s not easy for most men to express their inner, sqishy, sappy feelings in general.  It’s MUCH harder for them to do so in public. 

Think of it this way – do you want him to remember the ceremony in a negative way?  Where he was embarrassed and uncomfortable?  Or would you rather have a positive memory of the ceremony, and a private moment either before or afterwards where you can exchange words or letters together, just the two of you.

Post # 14
7974 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2013

I’m the opposite.  Fiance wants us to write our own, which I am all for.  I’m just nervous about writing them.  I fear that FI’s will be better and mine will sound silly.

Post # 15
796 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

My Fiance and I were in the exact same boat as you guys.  Our solution was the winebox/love letter ceremony.


 (In case you’ve never heard of it, you guys write letters to eachother telling why you love eachother, how you feel, promises etc etc, seal them in a box with a bottle of wine and open it on an anniversary)


So i get gooey love stuff from Fiance but without him feeling embaressed about everyone hearing it! Win win!


 Edited to add:  He’s not going to change his mind, but he obviously doesn’t want to hurt you, so he’s stalling.  But I agree with the PP telling you not to pressure him.  You want him to be happy and comfortable too!


Post # 16
1878 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

If he writes you sweet notes, could he maybe write the vows as a sweet note? It doesn’t have to be the sweetest note ever, or the note to end all notes, but thinking of it like that could make it easier.

Maybe even to consider the vows as writing a short love story could help as well.

BUT – here’s my but, everyone has one – if he does write his own vows (for you, since you seem to want it more than he does) don’t be disappointed if his written vows don’t live up to your dreams.
I’m saying this because I am one of those people who expect much more from others (and myself) and can be easily disappointed – I’m working on it and it’s very hard.
But if I made that request of my Fiance, and he did it for me (even though he’s uncomfortable with it), the worst thing I could do to him is be disappointed in the vows he wrote. 🙁
Just keep that in mind — it’s extra pressure for your guy!

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