Post # 1
I’m at a crossroads. I LOVE intricate details and personalized weddings where you can tell that everything has meaning and was specifically picked out or planned out. That being said, I obviously love when couples write their own vows.
I’ve always planned on writing my own vows. However, my fiance is really scared of “sharing his feelings in front of everyone” and getting emotional and just “being judged” in general. I’ve tried to explain that NO one will think it is weird if he gets emotional NOR will ANY guys be judging him for being sentimental. That the married guys will understand and all the unmarried ones are HIS friends, and shouldn’t think he’s weird for being sappy anyway!
He writes the sweetest, most romantic and heartfelt notes and cards and I have NO doubt that his vows would be absolutely awesome. But he is really insecure about it. I’m struggling because it means a lot to me….but if I force him to write and read his own vows, it basically defeats the purpose because that’s not demonstrating love and sacrifice. It’s forcing him to do something he doesn’t want to do.
I just will be really bummed if we have to read the regular (overdone and not-as-meaningful) vows…”in sickness and in health”… There is nothing wrong with these, they just don’t have the significance that our OWN words have.
Thoughts on what to do? Our wedding is in a month. We’ve talked about it a little but every time I bring it up, he gets noticeably uncomfortable. He does know that it means a lot to me and keeps saying he’ll think about changing his mind.
Post # 3
I’m your Fiance in this situation and I would HATE it if he kept pushing me to write our own vows.
I’m not a ‘public displays of affection’ kind of girl, and I have trouble putting my feelings into words. Honestly? It would ruin the ceremony for me if I had to put myself out there like that in front of all those people.
If your Fiance is getting uncomfortable at the mention of it, please drop it. Your dream to say your own vows doesn’t ‘top’ him being uncomfortable during his own wedding ceremony.
Post # 4
I know, I totally agree! I absolutely want him to be comfortable and have not pushed the subject at all. He’s said he will think about it, and of course I’m hoping he will want to, but if it comes down to it and he doesn’t, then it will be my first big sacrifice for our marriage! Definitely a good lesson of loving and accepting and supporting my (almost) husband.
thank you for that comment though. I think it’s good to hear other people’s perspectives, so I appreciate you sharing yours. As the more outgoing one in our relationship, I need to understand and respect that he views things like PDA and talking in front of big groups a bigger deal than I do.
thanks for your advice!
Post # 5
The one thing my FH wants is for us to write our own vows. I’m really, really shy and wanted to do something like, “I give you this ring as a symbol of my love and loyalty,” and exchange rings and that be the only thing we say. But it’s so important to him that I’m doing it.
What about taking traditional vows and making them your own? You could take bits and pieces of different traditional vows (different religions/denominations have their own, which could work even if you’re not religious) and put them together to make customized versions. It seems like a good compromise.
Post # 6
Fiance and I want to write our own but both of us are really not sure how to go about it and it is pretty intimidating. We want something unique too. One option we are considering is sitting down together and writing vows, like mutual promises both of us will make to each other. I think it will be cool to write them together, both making the same promises, with just a few differences. Plus it takes the pressure off of each individual if that makes sense because we will write them as a team. Would your Fiance be up for something like this?
Post # 7
I think this idea is exactly the compromise you are looking for OP.
You can also promise to write love letters to each other the day of the wedding and have a groomsman/bridesmaid deliever them to you. That way you still get your full letter from him that you can keep.
Post # 8
You can personalize other things in your ceremony without writing your own vows. Would he be into picking readings? You can even write the vows that you will repeat or say “I do” to. That way it’s less personal but still includes your words.
Post # 9
If he’s uncomfortable with sharing detailed, personal vows, why doesn’t he find a poem? Author Neil Gaiman read an e.e. cummings poem to his wife as his vows during their wedding. I’ve always thought that was so dreamy and romantic. That way, the words are heart-felt, and he took the time and effort to find the perfect poem, but they aren’t his personal words…so he shouldn’t be embarrassed.
Post # 10
Why can’t he write his vows but read them to you in private? That way, he doesn’t have to feel awkward in front of a million people and you still get your intimate squishy feelings.
Post # 11
I like that suggestion, it might be nice if you’re planning a first look.
Our venue sent a packet with several versions of vows and some poems. I don’t want to do a poem–I read a poem at my sister’s wedding and remember not a word of it, and went to a wedding once where a poem was read in a foreign language, but NOT in a translated form, so while the presentation was heartfelt, I didn’t get more message than that–hey! he could write his vows and you could translate them into a language none of your guests understand! That way he can be publicly sentimental to you and not embarrassed.
Post # 12
It was the other way around for us. He wanted to, I really didn’t. I’m used to expressing myself and I’m a decent writer but the idea of putting my feelings into words seemed totally impossible. I’m so glad we’re not doing our own vows.
Now I just have to struggle with the idea of kissing him all day in front of people and having our picture taken all cuddly without making a face. Oh and dancing while people watch.
Uh! I sound horrible and I love him to no end but I am so uncomfortable with all these things in public.
Post # 13
@Everdeen: I really like that idea.
All those sweet notes and cards that he writes are for YOU. They’re not written for all the world to see, and I think he feels the same way about writing the vows. It’s not easy for most men to express their inner, sqishy, sappy feelings in general. It’s MUCH harder for them to do so in public.
Think of it this way – do you want him to remember the ceremony in a negative way? Where he was embarrassed and uncomfortable? Or would you rather have a positive memory of the ceremony, and a private moment either before or afterwards where you can exchange words or letters together, just the two of you.
Post # 14
I’m the opposite. Fiance wants us to write our own, which I am all for. I’m just nervous about writing them. I fear that FI’s will be better and mine will sound silly.
Post # 15
My Fiance and I were in the exact same boat as you guys. Our solution was the winebox/love letter ceremony.
(In case you’ve never heard of it, you guys write letters to eachother telling why you love eachother, how you feel, promises etc etc, seal them in a box with a bottle of wine and open it on an anniversary)
So i get gooey love stuff from Fiance but without him feeling embaressed about everyone hearing it! Win win!
Edited to add: He’s not going to change his mind, but he obviously doesn’t want to hurt you, so he’s stalling. But I agree with the PP telling you not to pressure him. You want him to be happy and comfortable too!
Post # 16
If he writes you sweet notes, could he maybe write the vows as a sweet note? It doesn’t have to be the sweetest note ever, or the note to end all notes, but thinking of it like that could make it easier.
Maybe even to consider the vows as writing a short love story could help as well.
BUT – here’s my but, everyone has one – if he does write his own vows (for you, since you seem to want it more than he does) don’t be disappointed if his written vows don’t live up to your dreams.
I’m saying this because I am one of those people who expect much more from others (and myself) and can be easily disappointed – I’m working on it and it’s very hard.
But if I made that request of my Fiance, and he did it for me (even though he’s uncomfortable with it), the worst thing I could do to him is be disappointed in the vows he wrote. 🙁
Just keep that in mind — it’s extra pressure for your guy!