- 6 years ago
- Wedding: June 2013
my mother died about 10 years ago, and every part of my life since then has been tempered and shaped by that loss, but none more so than planning this wedding. there are a lot of terrible things about losing my mom, but i often try to focus on the things that are good about how my life is now, like the fact that i have grown closer to my dad.
another plus has been growing closer with my paternal grandmother. for reasons too long to post here, i have no relationship with my maternal grandmother, and i dont have any aunts so my grandma is the only older woman/female parental figure i have in my life now. i think she really loves getting to fill this role, and i love her but sometimes i think she takes it a bit too far.
case in point: i was visitng her this weekend and when the topic of our wedding ceremony cam up i was honest with her and told her that my Fiance and i have decided not to have our wedding in a catholic church. what should have been a 2 minute conversation on the matter because an hour and 30 minute lecture about how i was getting married in a church. she said things like “you will regret it” (i won’t) and “marriage isnt about the ceremony” (yes, but shouldnt the ceremony reflect the type of marriage we intend to have?). she said she knew that i would get married in a church despite what i said because i am essentially her child and her children believe in god. i love her, but i am NOT her child. i have 2 parents that raised me with no virtually input from her. i had a mother for 17 years of my life, and she, like me, was different from grandma. that doesnt mean any of us our wrong, but it feels like there is no respect for my mother’s role in my upbringing sometimes.
my grandmother also frequently likes to bring up my mother’s illness as the reason my family isnt active in the church. this weekend she said “if your mom hadnt been sick, you would have been able to go to church all those times you wanted to go”…. um sorry grandma, but the last time i wanted to go to church was roughly 1989. i assure you i was not pouting in my room at age 15 that i missed mass. stop blaming my mother for my perceived shortfall…
to top it off my grandmother also said that i was probably just apprehensive about my wedding and that was why i was thinking so much about the ceremony. that pushed me over the edge… to imply that i am anything other than 100% positive about my Fiance when you KNOW thats not the case!! as a note, everyone in my family LOVES my Fiance, there is no reason to doubt him or my committment to him.
she wants to fill this mother role and yet she does and says things that my mother never would in a million years. i just want so badly for her to be here. to deal with all this crap, to tell people that our wedding is our own. my dad loves me and doesnt need us to get married in the church, but hes not invested in this process at all. he cant even remember when my wedding date is.
i have no one to go to bat for me. i just have all these people to placate. his uber religious parents, my uber religous grandma, my “just make other people happy” father, my “fuck them all do your own thing” brother, my “i would rather die than attend a boring church wedding” friends … and yet no one except Fiance asks what i want. and no one, including Fiance, is coming to my aid in getting what i want.
i really just wish my mom was here to help with all this stuff, to run interference and to just be on my side without judgement.
sorry. im done now 🙁