Post # 1
Hi bees! So this is the first time I have posted anything on here but I need your advice. I am having five bridesmaid, one of which just told me that she can no longer be in it because she is leaving a month before the wedding to go teach overseas. I have been best friends with her for four years and she would be second in line for being my maid of honor if it was not for having a sister that I was very close with. For a little background info we have very different views. She is a very free person who does not get into serious relationships where as my fiance and I have been together for eight years. So to her marriage is viewed very differently between her and I. The whole time I have been engaged I felt as though she was not very supportive. Every time I would try and talk about the wedding she would act like it was just a pain in the ass to do everything and would always say that its easier to go elope. Since last year when we left college and both moved back home which are 4 hours away I have asked her to come visit me or for me to visit there and she has ALWAYS come up with excuses to not come. Even my fiance would come to me everytime and tell me to not get my hopes up because she never ended up coming. I understand that you are busy but I never thought that it would come to this extreme of ditching me for my own wedding.
She came to me about a month ago and told me about wanting to go teach and I was super supportive of her because I know that she has wanted to do it for a while but I did not realize that she would allow it to come between us. I have talked to her twice the first time being when she called and told me and I was a little shocked by what happened so I didnt say much. I called her again and told her I was more hurt than angry because I felt as though I was not important enough for her. She said that she knew it was horrible timing and one of us would get hurt but she is the one who decided to do it this year knowing when schools start and knowing that my wedding was in september for 9 months! So obviously you were the one who decided on the timing. She refused to wait another year and she told me that she knew she would regret not going and when I asked if she thought she would regret not being there for me she didnt say anything. I know that she is upset about not being there but what makes me so angry is that if you are truely that upset about not being there than you could very easily do something about it. The first day that she told I was hurt by her actions, now after talking to her and realizing that nothing I say or do is going to change her mind, I am just extremely pissed that I could have a best friend that does this to me!!
Post # 3
It is completely understandable for you to be disappointed that your friend will not be there at your wedding with you.
However, you also can’t expect her to put her plans on hold for a year just to be in your wedding.
Post # 4
Hold on, you wanted her to wait a year to take a job teaching overseas so that she could be in your wedding?? Put her life on hold for one day?
All the other info seems irrelevant to me, yes, you are allowed to be upset however, yes, you are overreacting.
Post # 5
So, I may not have read your post correctly, but you’re saying your dear friend has an employment opportunity, but it may prevent her from attending your wedding?
Post # 6
It sounds like your issues with your friend go beyond the wedding, and have to do with her being a crappy friend. However, the unfortunate truth is a lot of people won’t put their lives on hold because of your wedding, especially someone who doesn’t seem to care too much for the institution of marriage or big weddings. Sorry you are hurt. Don’t let this ruin your pre-wedding fun.
Post # 7
In all honesty, it sounds to me like you and your friend were growing apart a bit. Her not visiting, taking the teaching job…taking the job is a great opportunity for her, and it doesn’t sound like she really wanted to be in the wedding anyhow, from what you said.
Would you rather a grumpy, reluctant bridesmaid or none at all? She will come back to you eventually, I am sure…friends sometimes grow apart a bit. I had my friends in my early 20’s just now start t ocome around again, we went through different growth periods where I was getting married and they were out partying or travelling…so I had a few (very close friends) drop off. It hurts a lot when it happens but you will have a wonderful day without her.
I would be the bigger person and let her know how happy I am and excited and you understand, will miss her on your wedding day but wish her well.
Post # 8
I know this has to be disappointing to you, but I think you need to step back and look at the situation for what it is.
You got upset because she doesn’t really eant to talk wedding talk and says she would just elope. Some people just aren’t into weddings and it sounds like she was very honest from the get go that she is one of them.
You got upset that she took a great career opprotunity and will miss your wedding. For her to ass up this chance for your one day, I think is asking way too much of someone.
Post # 9
I completely understand being sad that your best friend won’t be there to celebrate your marriage and it’s ok to be bummed that she can’t make it. However, I think you are overreacting. You cannot expect people to put their lives on hold for your wedding and it’s very selfish to ask them to do so. This sounds like a great opportunity for your Bridesmaid or Best Man, especially since it’s something she’s wanted to do for a while. I think you are out of line by suggesting she wait a whole year just for one day. And who knows if she’ll even be able to find a job like that in a year. It’s an unfortunate situation and it sounds like your Bridesmaid or Best Man understands that. I think you just need to move past this and be happy for your friend.
Post # 10
Sounds like you expect her to put her life on hold to be there for you for one day. You need to realize that friendships evolve and people aren’t always going to want to bend over backwards for you, ESPECIALLY when it comes to life long plans that effect their longterm happiness and future career. You were supportive of her choice UNTIL you found out it would interfere with your plans, then you weren’t supportive at all. Doesn’t sound like you value her friendship or her happiness either. Looks like you both are growing apart and that neither can see eye to eye.
Post # 11
Turn the tables a little bit for a minute… should YOU postpone YOUR wedding so that she can be there for your special day?
Post # 12
I would be upset too if I found out my friend could not be in my wedding but I would never expect her to put off her plans for a year just to attend. It sounds like you two might be growing apart which I think is just something that happens after college with some friendships. Try to remember that this is upsetting for her too and she cannot “easily do something about it”.
Post # 13
I think your overreacting and expecting to much for her to wait a year. Teaching starts at a certain time and today if their is a job opportunity then you need to take it. Does it suck that your best friend won’t be there sure, and maybe she’s not being a super supportive friend but well neither are you. You don’t really want to guilt trip someone into being at your wedding do you? Let it go and be a bigger person, be happy for her and your relationship will be a long distance one. Keep the pressure and disappointment on and the relationship will go by the way side.
Post # 14
It’s disappointing for sure. However asking someone to postpone their life and career for a year over a wedding is a bit much. There are limited time frames to start a job like that and while it’s understandable that you would be upset, I think it’s asking way to much for her to put off her plans for that long.
Also while its nice for her to be there she isn’t an essential element to your wedding and its also understandable that she would be put off by you comparing or thinking your wedding is more important then this opportunity she has.
Post # 15
@blueskye: You put it so much more eloquently than I could. Totall agree.
Sorry OP, but yes you are being selfish. She shouldn’t have to put her life on hold for a year for one day, even if you are good friends. Flip it around: would you push your wedding until next summer so she can be there?
Post # 16
- Wedding: August 2013 - Brookfield Zoo
Try and let this one go. Your wedding is such a big day with so many people involved that you shouldn’t let your friend’s absence become a big deal to you. You will probably not even notice on the big day. She will certainly regret it, but she is following her own path to teach overseas, and you can’t stop someone from living their own life, even if it means they won’t be a part of yours for a time. And if you are such good friends, something like this shouldn’t force you two apart, you should support each other.