(Closed) reasonably upset?

posted 12 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
5113 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2009 - Barr Mansion

I think it’s reasonable to expect him to take care of you at least a little bit, even though his friend is in town.  It doesn’t sound like you’re asking for anything unreasonable!  But it’s likely that he’s not trying to hurt you.   He’s just excited to be off from work an hang out with his friend.  Leaving his phone at his parents’ house does seem like a way for him to avoid having to deal with the issue. You should try to talk to him when he is home about how it makes you feel instead of going to his family. 

Post # 4
83 posts
Worker bee

 He’s been away a long time. He came home sick. He missed you and his friends. I’d give him a break. Unless this is part of a pattern that concerns you, I’d let it go. Enjoy him while he’s home.  Most men aren’t good caregivers..they lack training. My husband is a great caregiver and I just want to be left alone when I’m sick..how funny. To each their own.

Post # 5
1431 posts
Bumble bee

Ugh, I’m so sorry to hear. 🙁

This is one of those things that everyone is a bit weird about… I didn’t even know I had certain expectations for how I’d like to be taken care of, until I got realy sick the first time.  I guess when it comes down to it, I wanted to be taken care of the way my mom took care of me when I was sick as a kid!  Once I realized that, I felt kinda bad for expecting my wife to act like my mom!

I don’t have any thoughts either way… just wanted to share that this can be one of those things where everyone has different expectations.  Hope you guys figure out a way to sort this out… good luck!!!

Post # 6
21 posts
  • Wedding: March 2009

Well i am not a doctor but I do know that pneumonia can be pretty seriouse. I think you have a right to feel hurt and neglected. On the other hand he did just get home from the military and was also sick himself, so I don’t think you should be too hard on him, but I don’t think you are overeacting for feeling hurt. I know if I took care of my fI the way you did, I would expect the same in return. That is what loved ones are supposed to do. (especially if you have a possibly seriouse illness.) I think you should calmly tell him how you feel but be careful not become angry or make him feel attacked because he won’t want to understand how you are feeling.  And also make sure that he knows you understand his situation. He probably doesn’t realize what he did was a tad insensitive.  Sometimes my fI doesn’t react in ways that I wish he would but that is not his fault. I know that i wish I wouldn’t have to tell him what to do, that he would just know to do it on his own, but it just doesn’t always work that way. Just have a heart to heart with him. good luck hun, I hope you feel better! Let us know how it goes

Post # 7
96 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

I have to agree with kazoochair.  Especially with him just returning home and only home for 4 weeks.  They’re certain battles you have to pick and choose. I’m not saying he is not wrong for leaving you and not helping take care of you.  Men have a different mind set than we do.  We really are the caregivers.  Guys get weird and don’t know that we actually do expect the same exact things from. As my friend said, they are not mind-readers.  If I was in your shoes, I would speak to him after the fact and let him know how hurt you were.  Once the yelling and screaming begins, men tune out.  Best wishes from one navy Fiance to another.

Post # 8
118 posts
Blushing bee

People really do have different expectations for how they want to be cared for when they’re sick. I am (was) in a long-distance relationship, and my fiance finally arrived after the two of us not having seen each other for weeks and BAM – the very next day he was running a fever, sweating, shaking, nauseaus, the works. Poor thing! I fetched him everything I could think of under the sun to help him feel better, stayed with him the entire time, etc… and it’s funny, because while he appreciated all that, he told me after he recovered that he really wished I would have just snuggled him while he was sick. That’s all he wanted.

Me, if I were sick I’d want to basically be left alone. Come check on me every once in a while, listen to me whine and bring me soup, and then get the hell away so I can be sick in peace. We all want different things, but I think all of us at least want to know that our loved one cares about us and wants nothing more than for us to feel better.

It sucks, because your fiance’s only in town for a few weeks and has to pack in all of those "home" activities before he heads back to the military. So I can understand why he might be a little selfish at the moment. But at the same time, I totally understand why you’re upset. I’m going to guess what you need isn’t necessarily his doting on you so much as reassurance that you’re his number one priority. 

I hope you feel better soon! It’s really easy to get upset over things like this when you’re in a long-distance relationship, so try to remember that this will pass – only worry about it if it becomes a pattern of him not taking care of you. 

(Also, I can’t believe his parents called you a drama queen. That’s… not nice.)

Post # 9
174 posts
Blushing bee

I personally think he’s being a bit rude, and his parents sound equally rude in this case. I’d be mad, but….

on the flip side, my SO is the loving/caring type that won’t leave my side for anything (his mom is a lot like that), and I on the other hand, when he’s sick, I will care for him for two or three days (without stopping, will do anything he wants) and then go ok time to buck up, hah- but that’s what my parents did with me, so everyone is different about it!  

So I’d definately make sure he knows how you feel- yelling and screaming is sometimes necessary because guys can be so thick headed, so I can understand how being sick and angry can lead to a fight (think of being sick, not feeling well, AND have someone you love not listen to a word you’re saying, I’d be frustrated also). But in this case, I’d probably just make him realize how hurt you are, maybe a guilt trip is in order, hah, sounds terrible, but I’d have issues too if he was completely unapologetic about things in the end. 

Post # 10
506 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

I would be upset too. Now, yes, he is here for a short time; however, he is your Fiance, your soon-to-be husband. No, I wouldn’t expect him to be sitting there by your side every minute, but at least call and check on you and ask if you need anything would be the appropriate answer here I think. By him leaving his phone at his parent’s house, that’s a blatant way of saying he doesn’t want to hear from you at all. That is sooo wrong in my book. He is being selfish I think. Yes, he needs time with his friends too, but really, you are going to be his wife, he should be more than happy to check on you and make sure you are okay. His parents are not helping either. They are only siding with him because he’s their son, which most people do, but you’d think his mother would be a little disappointed in him for the way he’s acting.

Post # 11
3952 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

I agree that the stb Inlaws were a bit weird about that..but this is obviously an area that you and Fiance need to find common ground upon.

I do know that alot of the time I’m alone when I’m sick because I wish to be, but then also T can fall into the trap of feeling "she can take care of herself" because I happen to BE a health professional.  But as of late, he’s been super awesome, and asking how he can help or just be there.  Once he just brought me soup because that’s all I really needed.

Talk it over.  Sometimes without a discussion it’s impossible to know what the other wishes or desires.  But I do think he was selfish not caring for you and deliberately leaving the phone at his parents.

Post # 12
3340 posts
Sugar bee

I’m thinking that your in-laws’ responses to you can be a big clue to why he acted the way he did.  They all think you were over-reacting.  He probably does too.  So maybe in his family when people are sick they are left to themselves or something.  He may just have been raised that way.  I would cut him some slack (since he just got back) and wait to talk until you’re feeling better.  I don’t know about you, but I’m crabby when I’m sick.  Also, there’s really not much he can do to cure pneumonia, so maybe he figures he doesn’t have anything to do.  Guys can be clueless like that.  I’d wait and talk to him about it later.  For now, let him hang with his friend, and just ask him for what you need outright when he’s home.  Sounds like he doesn’t take hints, so just be upfront that you would like him to draw you a bath, make you soup, turn on the humidifier, etc.  Hope you feel better soon!

Post # 13
1652 posts
Bumble bee

I think you were justified in feeling hurt.  He could have at least checkin on you.  Or asked what you needed him to do before he took off. 

But since he’s been away for a while and is now on leave, I think he was probably preoccupied in spending as much time as he could visiting people and having a good time.  Sure it was thoughtless and inconsiderate.  But sometimes those descriptions  are really because just aren’t thinking, not that they’re evil.

I think your in-laws were being a little ridiculous (for telling a poor girl with pneumonia, that she caught from their sin, ) that you’re dramatic and should shut up.  Wow!  Of course I’m not sure exactly how you’re conversation with them went.

I’m also a bit surprised that you and your Fiance had a fight.  I mean if I had ditched someone who was sick.  and they told me how hurt they were, I would have apologized and felt bad that I wasn’t thinking straight.  Does he really not have a problem with ditching you?  Or expects you to understand because of a short leave?  Or perhaps, were you a bit hard on him out of the starting gate, before calmly explaining why he hurt your feelings?

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