(Closed) Reasons? or Excuses? from your SO

posted 4 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
9692 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

@beeeforeigocrazy:  I honestly think that constantly nagging someone about anything is not a good approach. No one wants to feel forced into doing something, let alone making a life commitment. That has to develop naturally and both people need to feel ready. If he feels forced, he will only end up resentful. And no one wants to marry someone who felt forced or pressured into doing it.

Also, I do think the most basic answer holds true – he hasn’t done it because he doesn’t want to. When he does want to, he will. If he doesn’t want to, it can be for a whole slew of reasons (maybe he feels nagged, maybe he feels too young, maybe he isn’t ready for a “lifelong” commitment, maybe he doesn’t feel he has enough money). The only person to know your SO’s reasons is your SO himself 🙂

I would really say be patient, because it will happen when he’s ready. I never once brought up marriage and FI proposed after 3 months of dating. He had been convinced he never wanted to get married (and I didn’t care, common law was fine for me). He said that being with me was so different from his exes that he knew very quickly he wanted to make the lifelong commitment. Either they want to or they don’t, and they can’t shouldn’t be forced.

Post # 4
Member
2494 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

My fiance waited almost a year to propose to me and I went pretty much crazy in that time, which wasn’t a good thing at all! Now that we’re engaged I feel more comfortable posting my reasons for why he waited so long…

– He had some reservations based on both of our previous marriages, something I didn’t take into consideration throughout the whole process.

– The more upset/depressed I got about waiting, the more he waited because he was worried that he wouldn’t be able to make me happy for the rest of our lives and that terrified him

– He was genuinely totally stressed out about the ring. I didn’t know until last week but I guess his ex wife made him exchange the ring FOUR times before liking one. And even then she would tell people that it wasn’t good enough

– Mine and his versions of “waiting” were different. As soon as we talked about marriage, in my head, that meant that we were waiting, to him though, that was just an “in the future” talk. I think we waited for almost a year, he thought it was more like just a few months

– He was worried about the proposal because he wanted it to be perfect

– We had a huge fight where we ended up taking a break for two weeks because I didn’t think we wanted the same thing. This actually hurt us and our chances of engagement because he was scared that I would always walk out when things got tough. It’s something that we both learned a lot from, we also learned that we can’t live without one another.

– We had already agreed on a small wedding but sometimes when we would talk wedding stuff I made it sound like it would be a lot bigger and that freaked him out and caused him to hold off

All in all, it was a vicious cycle and the ONLY thing that rescued both of us from it was communication and LOTS of it.

ETA: He did think that there was no rush because he knows how much I love him and how great we are together and he felt like I would never leave. He was shocked and heartbroken when I said we need to take a break because he didn’t see it coming at all.. we own a home together and I think that did delay things because it already solidified us as a couple.

And, I want to say that now we’re engaged everything I felt before has completely melted away. I hold no resentment towards him and I have no more negative feelings about waiting. We’re both ridiculously excited for the wedding and to be married to one another and that triumphs any of those old feelings I had 🙂 

 

Post # 5
Member
477 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

Well considering he has the ring and has had it for several months and refers to me as his wife I honestly think that what’s delaying us from officially getting engaged is that he is super stressed out about the proposal.  My SO is many things but he is not a planner, he can make me laugh like no one else but romance isn’t his strong suit.  Last night we were having drinks with a few friends and one of them asked him what the last thing he planned for me was and he couldn’t think of a single thing.  I’ve planned every single get away, every big anniversary, birthday etc. I’m a bit of a Type A personality so it works but I think it’s actually had a very negative impact on us getting engaged.  Since he hasn’t had to plan anything like that in 4 years he’s at a loss for the proposal.  I’ve told him just to keep things simple but he’s said I don’t get any input in how the proposal plays out and that he has to do something big because well he hasn’t had to plan anything since our first date and he’s told me he feels like this is his opportunity to really do something special for me that shows just how much he loves me.  Don’t get me wrong he does lots of sweet stuff for me, just last week I had a bad day at work (I get home a few hours before him and usually start dinner) he told me not to worry about dinner just to relax he’d pick up something on his way home and stopped and picked up my favourite bottle of wine at the same time.  To me he could have proposed then and I would have been super happy, I told him that the next day and he said “it wasn’t good enough the proposal has to be special.”

Sorry this turned into a bit of a rant but yeah in the end the actually “proposal” is what’s holding up our engagement.

Post # 7
Member
9692 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

@beeeforeigocrazy:  Oh, I see. My first FI proposed after a year, and my current one propsed after 3 months. In my social circles, couples seem to date between 1 and 3 years and then get married within another year. Everyone thought we were nuts when we got engaged so fast. People will judge you no matter what you do :-

Post # 8
Member
849 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

My BF said he wanted to wait to get married until he was on better financial terms. I can understand that. He’s in school right now and plans to apply to the police academy to become a cop. Right now, he works part-time at a grocery store. So once he finishes school, gets a full-time job and starts making a higher salary, he’ll probably be ready to propose then. 

Which is why I’m not actively waiting. Would I love to get married sooner? Of course! But to be honest, I’m okay with waiting to get married because I would like to lose some major weight before the wedding. And this gives me plenty of time to do that lol. 

Now if he were to propose on our one year anniversary in September, I would be so insanely happy. Do I NEED to wait until he finishes school and gets a better job? No because there are plenty of marriages out there with one of the spouses still in school.

But I want him to be happy so I will let him set the timeline. 🙂 As long as I’m with him, I’m happy. That’s all I really need. Now if I was 30 years old or older, I would most likely feel differently. But I’m 25 and we are moving in together in January so the idea of waiting to get married doesn’t bother me at all right now. 

 

Post # 9
Member
1239 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

@beeeforeigocrazy:  I haven’t delayed anything that I’m aware of. He said he wanted to finish the degree he went back to school for, and if he hadn’t ailed a class, that would have meant this summer, but since he did, it means summer 2014. He’s repeatedly said that he won’t consider getting engaged until he’s ‘financially able to provide’ for me. So, I’m looking at sometime after he graduates and lands a job. 

We’ve been dating for almost 3 years (June 8), and by the time he ‘thinks’ about proposing, it will have been 4. I’m think I’ve only really been waiting since he bought the ring in Feb, but if his timeline is right, holy crap I’m going to go mad. LOL

ETA: I’m 35, he’ll be 30 in Nov. I’ve been married before…this is his first serious relationship. I try to keep all this in mind, but gosh it’s tough.

Post # 11
Member
1239 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

@beeeforeigocrazy:  I’m with you on that one. It’s like, we already know what we want and where we want to go, why the wait to do it?

Post # 12
Member
772 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

Because he didn’t feel like an ‘adult’ while we were finishing university, and because we’re not living together yet. Once we find a house in August, I don’t think it’ll be too long.

Post # 13
Member
700 posts
Busy bee

@beeeforeigocrazy:  no, i do not think i’ve delayed it, life has. we’ve gotten a condo and 2 cars. and 2 kittens. we have saved $2000 but our debt’s take priority now, maybe in 2015 we’ll discuss it again. for now, it’s work work work…..

Post # 14
Member
686 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Sorry this is long, I just want to post this as a warning story for some waiting bees, because my FI has definitely been one of those SO’s who gave excuses to his ex simply because he didn’t want to marry them (even though he didn’t tell them that).

My FI had dated a couple girls for about 3-5 years each before me and even though he was with them for a long time, he told me he only really even wanted to marry one of them, but they were young at the time so they dated a long time (this was almost 10 years ago), but they broke up and she’s married now.  He seems happy for her and she seems really happy and nice too. 

The other one…he said even though they were together for along time, if he married her he would’ve been miserable, but he was comfortable in that relationship so he played along for awhile.  When it came down to it, he wouldn’t have married her even though they were together for like 3 years and he even took her ring shopping (kind of a dick thing to do, but from my limited experience with her–she’s a freaking psycho and his friends that met her agree).

He proposed to me after only 1 year though, because he said he couldn’t imagine anyone more perfect for him–now we’re less than 2 weeks away from getting hitched! 

So I do believe that guys can string along girls with promises of marriage and a future and have no intention of carrying through with those promises.  From at least my FI’s perspective (but this is just ONE guy, not speaking for everyone)–when you know, you know.

Post # 15
Member
8469 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

I would think money is a major issue, not just for the ring, but for being financially stable, future home, etc.  However, I’ve never been a waiting bee, plus I have a moissanite ring, so I can only speculate.

Post # 16
Member
1880 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

@shesho:  Yep, same exact thing happened with both me and my husband… both have been in long term relationships where we didn’t really want to discuss marriage or gave vague answers like “someday” because we knew we weren’t going to marry that person. For the two of us, we decided to get engaged at six months and got officially engaged at about eight months (the intervening two involved ring shopping). It was very much a “when you know, you know” situation as well.

@MrsPanda99:  My parents got engaged after three months. They celebrated their 30th anniverrsary a month ago. So although it sounds insane to many people, it can work out!

With regards to my friends, it’s mainly those who started dating during college that seem to be in waiting phases. I think when they started dating, they didn’t have marriage in mind, and now that they’ve started thinking about it, they have to really ponder whether or not the person they are with is the right one forever. Those I know who started dating after college don’t seem to have that problem – they rarely seem to date more than two years before getting engaged or breaking up.

The topic ‘Reasons? or Excuses? from your SO’ is closed to new replies.

Get our weekly roundup of the best of Weddingbee.
I agree to receive emails from the site. I can withdraw my consent at any time by unsubscribing.

Find Amazing Vendors