Reasons that you didn't want any kids?

posted 1 year ago in Family
Post # 16
Member
181 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Love my life exactly the way it is. I love being my own first priority (and hubby too) all the time, doing exactly what we want to do when we want to. Taking spontaneous trips, sleeping til 11, staying out all night, having sex all day on a weekend just because we feel like it. And NONE of the supposed positives that children apparently can bring, outweigh my desire for this life we have together, just the two of us. I don’t want to be a mother. I don’t want to have to care what’s best for a child, rather than what I want or need. I don’t want to sacrifice anything for a kid. And there are no do overs. You can’t try it out and realize you do really hate it as much as you thought you would and ask for a rewind. I paid cash for DH’s vasectomy 2 years ago as a Christmas gift to myself. 

Post # 17
Member
1257 posts
Bumble bee

I know you asked for those who decided not to have one, but I think because there’s pros and cons to having children, if you just hear one side, it’s easy to convince yourself to go with that because there are so many valid points on both sides. 

I didn’t think about kids for a long time or feel like I wasn’t ready in my 20s. I go back and forth on it before meeting my fiancé. As time went on with fiancé, I started liking and feeling comfortable with the idea of sharing a child with my fiancé. If it was someone else maybe not but with him I feel that we have equal partnership and he’s so good with kids that I know he will support me and the family emotionally and physically if we have a kid.

Also I started coming around when I started seeing people with really well behaved, fun and funny kids around that 5 years and older range and seeing my fiancé and his family interact, I realised that having a kid and a family of more than the 2 of us could be a fun experience. And that kids are a lot smarter and fun to be around that some people give them credits for.

Now of course, I still hate it when I see crying babies and toddlers, but have grown somewhat immune to it especially once I realised how different kids can become based on how the parents had raised them. 

It will be hard for a few years but ultimately, if you’re doing something right, anything right, they’ll grow up being someone you’d actually want to have in your life, you know, they won’t always be crying babies, they’ll grow into people with rational thoughts and a personality that you just might enjoy being around (being that they inherit some parts of who you both are). It’s like…giving birth to your potential best friend LOL… I might be exaggerating but you know what I mean.

So…yea for me I’m switching between 1 or 2 kids. I think we’ll have one and see. No pressure on a second one. I still think it will be a lot of work so 1 baby vs 2 adults might not be so bad. 

Post # 18
Member
9041 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

oneinamillion :  Sorry but I really really hate this question. Why is it that this is only ever asked of CFBC people? Why isn’t this routinely asked of people who have/want kids when they are asked if they want/have kids? 

No one has to justify why they do not want kids, just as much as someone who has/wants kids doesn’t need to justify it. Can we please stop asking CFBC people this fucking question.

The answer is simple – none of your business. My reproduction or lack their of is my business and mine alone.

Post # 19
Member
74 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

missyjz : OP asked specifically in this thread for reasons NOT to have kids. It is possible she hears enough about why kids are so great in her own life that she may have been asking for a different opinion here.

Fiance and I are constantly battered with the “when are you having kids?!” question. We’re both on the fence, and honestly I’m really sick of hearing that BEING A MOTHER IS THE GREATEST THING IN THE WORLD YOU DO NOT KNOW LOVE UNTIL YOU ARE A MOM IT IS THE BEST conversation. I bet it is truly amazing and wonderful but it’s also not for everyone. We’re still not sure if it’s for us. Our reasons for not having kids is similar to PP’s in that kids are insanely needy and expensive, and we like having money to travel and time to ourselves. Aside from that though, is that Fiance has an autoimmune disease he’s terrified to pass on since he struggles with it himself. Other reasons include the world already being overpopulated and really not needing more humans, lol. 

Post # 20
Member
4552 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

missyjz :  Thanks for that. *cough*

OP, lots of reasons, but the only one that matters is BECAUSE WE DON’T WANT TO. 

j_jaye :  And high five. I always see your responses and think how bang on you are, and here we are again!

Post # 21
Member
2012 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

They drive me mad when I’m sitting at a restaurant with a quiet drink with my husband. Or when my older sister’s kids run wild around the house. Though when I see my sister’s baby, I’m just drawn to her and want a baby so bad!!

Post # 22
Member
319 posts
Helper bee

I just don’t want any. I could probably give lots of secondary reasons to explain that but the overarching reason is that I (/we) don’t want to. 

Post # 23
Member
973 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

missyjz : No, op doesn’t need to hear the “the other side” We live in a pronatalist society.  The default is to have kids and the majority of the world does have kids.  The childfree are grossly undererpresented in movies, TV, and in advertising.   OP has probably been hearing about the joys of having children and very little,  if anything,  about what if she doesn’t want kids.  She’s probably asking on here because there isn’t anyone in her life who doesn’t want children.   So no, op doesn’t need to hear about how great being a mommy is when she asked about reasons for not having kids.

OP, I’m one of those people who has just knew I never wanted kids.  Being childfree is as hardwired into me as being straight is.  However,  through the years (I’m 43) I’ve enjoyed the benefits not having kids has brought me.  I like a quiet home. I have a weird hearing disorder so certain sounds, like slamming doors and kids screeching or running, send me into tears of frustration.  I also like having plenty of time to recharge and to just be myself.  The parenting lifestyle of today is too exhausting to me. I like spending time with just my husband and my cats and love having the free time to really pursue my hobbies.  I also like my money.  We probably wouldn’t be able to afford the home we have and live in the neighborhood we do with children. 

Post # 24
Member
573 posts
Busy bee

I’ve never wanted children. It’s just never been something I’ve ever envisioned for myself and that mindset never changed, no matter how many “older” and “wiser” people told me it would. I enjoy being selfish, I enjoy sleeping in and having my SO to myself. We enjoy being able to plan a quickie vacation and run off without having to plan for babysitters – or even dogsitters! 

Now for the practical side. 

My SO and I have been together a year and a half and at 27 and almost 29 we’re in the process of paying for his truck and gathering enough money to move out of my small “bachelorette pad” as he calls it, and into a home for the two of us. That doesn’t leave much money behind to take care of children on our wages. By the time the aforementioned dreams see the light of day and we’re getting settled into paying for a mortgage, we’ll be, hopefully, in our early-mid thirties. 

Now many people have children during that time and after that, and that’s fine, but I lost my mother, who had me at 32, when I was 24 to illness. All I can think of is how much worse it would’ve been to lose her earlier than that. To not have had the friendship we eased into when I became an adult; to miss the candid talks we had about any and everything. To be stuck as a powerless minor in a home with no one but an alcoholic father to take care of me. To be in high school without my mom to give me advice, to be there in that way that only a mother can be for a teenage girl. She helped me thru so many momentous adult firsts, such as getting my first job and buying my first car, that, looking back, I don’t know how I would’ve done any of that without her!!

I would never, ever want to do that to a child. It’s tough to lose a parent at any age but it’s even harder when you’re younger and you’ve got so much more to learn from them. So much more they could teach you. All I can think about when I think about having children later in life is the increased possibility that I wouldn’t be around, or my SO wouldn’t be around, to be there for them and that they could possibly end up in the social services system. 

Speaking of, that leads me to my next point. I, personally, wouldn’t feel comfortable bringing a child into this world knowing how many children are starving, being mistreated or are forever stuck in the revolving door of the social services system. If we had decided to have children, we talked heavily about adoption and fostering. That’s not for everyone, and I understand, but I would feel guilty if I willingly brought another life into the world knowing there were lives already here in desperate need of love.

It’s a personal decision and I know that my SO and I are making the right one for us but it’s all about the individual. If you and your SO talk it over and decide to have kids, great! But if you don’t, don’t ever let other people shame you into thinking you’re wrong or that there’s something wrong with you!

Post # 25
Member
2658 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

oneinamillion :  my husband has 5 children from previous relationships, 4 currently live with us, I considered having my own child when it was just 2 here, I thought I could handle 3 if one was mine, but then 2 more decided they wanted to live here and I was completely overwhelmed and drained, I have nothing left in me to give to my own child and the fear of going through pregnancy (which does not appeal to me at all, I would have been enduring it solely to get the child and the title) only to have that child call me by my first name because the others do and still never getting to be “Mommy” or anything to that effect made me decide against it, I figured that combined with my depression and anxiety making post-partum even more likely……it could easily be the end of me.

Post # 26
Member
294 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

I’m someone who always planned to get married young and have a big family. As in, I wanted to have 4-5 babies by the time I was 30. I got married last year at 31, no kids as of yet. (Can we all laugh now?) My feelings towards kids has gone back and forth a lot over the past 8 or so years. After I finished my degree and started working in a professional environment, I started to realize how much I enjoyed my freedom and having my own career. Something I didn’t think I would find so much fulfillment in when I was younger. On the one hand.. I love kids and part of me still wants that big family. On the other hand.. I never planned to be newly married in my 30’s, living abroad with opportunities to travel that I never imagined having. I also don’t have easy access to family right now, and the thought of having children so far away with a military husband that is frequently gone is quite daunting to me. I would truly be on my own (at times, anyway). At 32 I know my clock is ticking. I have a little time, but not as much as I would have if I had gotten married in my 20’s.

All that said, while I am currently split, my reasons for NOT wanting kids would be the following: 1- At 32, I don’t know that I truly have the engergy and will power to raise a child that I once did in my early 20’s 2-I know it’s selfish, but as I said I have opportunities to travel and do other things I never imagined, having a baby would dramatically cut into those opportunities, and I kind of want to experience these things while I can 3- As previously stated, I wouldn’t have much of a support system at the present. The thought of having babies in a foreign country when my husband is away just seems overwhelming. I would feel better if my mom or someone else was nearby at least for moral support, or to come help if I need it. I think having that support on standby would probably be a great help mentally and emotionally. 4-I spent a large portion of my adult life being there for other family members, and giving up a lot of my spare time and desires for their needs. I feel like this is the first time in my life, at 32, that I’ve been able to really live my own life. While I love kids, I think I still need to get some wanderlust and other things out of my system before I can happily settle down as a mom. 4-I’m an introvert and I love having my quiet time. I’m also prone to migraines and other health issues where I have a very low tolerance for loud and busy environments. Realistically speaking, I have wondered if I could handle the noise and busyness of a full house. 5- I am finally in a financial position where I can go back and get my Master’s Degree or potentially go to law school. This is something I have wanted for a LONG time, but I just didn’t have the money, and didn’t want to add on to my existing student loans. Not having kids would allow me to get the education I’ve wanted for a long time. 

As I said, I’m not dead set against having babies. If I got pregnant, I would be overjoyed. But those are some of the reasons I wonder if actually planning to have them would be in my best interest. So I guess mine is more of a, “I don’t know if it’s wise to have them” sort of reasoning rather than not wanting them period. I think a lot of that changes as you get older. While I’m still young, biologically speaking, I don’t have loads of time. If I could have done a lot of the things I wanted in my 20’s, it would be a no brainer. But at this point in my life, it would mean sacrificing things I’m not 100% sure I want to give up. 

Post # 27
Member
10855 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

oneinamillion :  

When I was nine years old, it hit me like a bolt of lightning—I don’t want to have kids.  I was not even entirely clear yet on how babies happed, so I begged God to make sure one never happened to me.

When I turned 25, I had a much better understanding of where babies come from and asked my gyn to tie my tubes.  He said I was too young.

Now, I am much older and pregnancy is a non issue (Dh has had a vasectomy and my turn has come and gone), I often congratulate myself for being foresighted enough to not have children.

When I look back on my own, very difficult childhood, I recall being told that I really never seemed to enjoy the company of children.  I pushed them away and hung out with the adults.  Not much has changed.

I just don’t want one.  Babies and toddlers are gooey, stinky, and messy.  I hat it when people try to force me to hold their babies.  It will be better for both of us if I don’t.

I’m also a very independent person, I’ve spent my adult life doing just what I want to do, when I want to do it.

Most of all, I am extraordinarily self centered.  I own it.  It’s who I am.

All of that said, I feel extremely protective of children.  No doubt the result of the terrible parenting I received.  I worked with kids for many years in the mental health field and was very successful with them.  The strict boundaries were very comfortable to me.

So, that was one way to get my nurturing needs met.  The other has been thirty years of puppy and dog ownership.  They have it all over babies.  I can have a puppy potty trained in a matter of a few weeks.  Can’t do that with a human kid.

Post # 28
Member
10855 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

nykkee :  

Yup.  That’s one more reason for me.  Pregnancy.  No, thanks, I’d rather not.  I could not handle a thing growing in me and the prospect of labor and delivery terrifies me.

I salute all of you courageous Bees who have gone through it.

Post # 29
Member
3536 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

Because i have really good, close friends who are mothers that don’t spend their time on social media trying to convince the world how amazing being a parent is

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