(Closed) rebuilding trust or giving up?

posted 10 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
2434 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2008

I’m so sorry you are facing this.  I’m a firm believer in trusting your gut.  And from your post, it seems your gut is telling you to find a stable home, apart from your Fiance, because that it what is best for your son.  Your gut is also telling you to not give up on your Fiance.

Those two feelings are not mutually exclusive.  If you do find a new place to live with your son, you can still pursue counseling with your Fiance.  In most situations where there is a betrayal of trust, I think counseling can really help both parties to work through what has happened and give them tools to rebuild that trust.

I commend you for putting your son’s well-being first.  It’s hard for adults to be in unstable situations (like a relationship that may be ending)- nevermind children who have no control over where they live or the actions of those who take care of them.  So I really support your decision to make a stable home for him.

You don’t mention what your FI’s addiction is- I am assuming it is not something that will put your health or safety in jeopardy (ie. sex addiction that might expose you to Save-The-Date Cards, gambling that results in debts to people that may harm you, etc).  If it is, I think you have to protect yourself and end the relationship.

Good luck- I’ll keep you in my thoughts.  I hope we don’t lose you from this community!

Post # 4
2640 posts
Sugar bee

Besides the broken trust with the addiction, is he otherwise a good person, Fiance, future stepdad?  He sure did break your trust, but some of that was the addiction talking.  An addiction isn’t someting he necessarily "wants" to be doing.  Maybe he didn’t tell you because he’s ashamed and knows he needs to stop?

Some of this might depend on the addiction too.  You have to decide if this is something that you can deal with for you and your son.  If he is worth counseling, maybe you can try.  And know that just because you go to counseling together, doesn’t mean you are automatically taking him back.   You are just exploring the possiblities.  He should also get his own counseling for the addiction.

Post # 5
7081 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2009


First off, I’m really sorry to hear that you are going through something like this.  It must be really hard, and you are clearly putting your family first which bodes well for your judgment.

I think you have to ask yourself a question…  How much of this is your own anger and pride at hearing this, and how much is that this particular addiction is a deal breaker for you?  Think about how you’d counsel a friend if your particular situation happened to her… that will help you decide what you feel about it without the emotion of the betrayal.

For some of us, if our partner cheats (for example) that’s it… It’s a deal-breaker, but some are willing to work through it.  For some porn is a deal breaker and some don’t mind.  I guess it depends on what you are willing to go through and how this particular addiction will impact your son.

A second thing to think about is how your found out about this…  Did he tell you or did you stumble upon it, or even hear it from someone else?  I think that makes a difference as well.

Next, how did he deal with it when you confronted him?  Was he defensive or contrite?  Willing to work on things or shut down?  I think how he responded will predict how he will do in overcoming it to some extent.

Finally, look long and hard at whether you are sad at the fact that you’ll miss him and may never be able to recapture the same feelings that you have with him… or is it that you are scared to be alone and sad to let go of planning the wedding and hanging out here.  As for here, we don’t care if you are planning a wedding or not, we still want you here 😉  But I think there is a big difference between "the idea of a relationship" and the actual relationship itself.

If you are having trouble answering any of these questions (and hopefully everyone comes up with a lot more) would you consider going to individual counseling before considering couples counseling to figure out what you want and what’s best for your family?

I’m wishing you lots of luck and if you need more of a shoulder to lean on, let me know!

Post # 6
453 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

Hi. So sorry you are having to deal with this. I agree with what doctorgirl said about figuring out and deciding what is a deal breaker for you. As a mom, I also understand completely about protecting your son bc it’s not just about the two of you, it’s about the three of you. It does depend on what the addiction is, but for me (this is just MY opinion now) it is more about the lying/deception/hiding it. Noone can tell you what is right for you-only you can decide that, however, my experience has been that these types of things fall into one of two catagories-a one time mess up, or a prediction of things to come.

I was in a previous marriage where there was infidelity. The cheating hurt tremendously-yes, but even worse (for me) was the lies, the deception, the covering it up, the breaking of trust-all of that is what broke my heart. As awful as the cheating was-it was the other that ultimately gave me the courage to realize that it wasn’t going to stop and that there was almost a guarantee of more to come (and there was…)

It concerns me for you that you said about a separate life, another life-and that he lied about it. You can ask here and we will give you opinions, love, and support-but at the end of the day, you are the one who has to lie in bed at night next to this man and know that he has only your absolute best interest at heart. You are the only one who can make that decision.

For me-if I wouldn’t say it or do it in front of my boyfriend/fiance/husband-I shouldn’t say it or do it-sex, money, gossip, actions, friendships, etc.-across the board. My fiance and I met with our minister this past weekend for some pre-marital counseling (required by our church) and one of the things he talked to us about is that marriage is a covenant. Is deception a possiblity that you want to face everyday in your future or is this something that can be worked on, counseled through and you can come out on the other side stronger, wiser, and fully trusting each other?

I will keep you and your son in my prayers-and hope that you find peace with your decision.

Post # 7
1276 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

You don’t say what the addiction is, so this might be way off base.  But I was in a pretty serious relationship with someone who turned out to be a compulsive liar (like, seriously pathologically to the point where even though he supposedly "came clean" to me about a lot of things I’m still not entirely sure that he ever really told me the truth about much of it).  I had known he also had been diagnosed with manic depression, so I tried to convince myself it was part of his disease which maybe it was.  And he was so extremely sorry about all the lies he had told me (crying and everything), and I do think that his feelings were genuine.  But even while he was apologizing and telling me the truth–like about his "ex"-GF in a foreign country who called him all the time b/c she was supposedly too unstable to tell that he was with me (not that I was okay with this, he claims he told her the truth after I found out about her), he was continuing to spin more and more lies about other things.  In some instances really minor things that I don’t even really understand why he lied about.  I tried to stick through it for a while b/c I thought, "He has a problem and I want to be supportive."  But there was too much hurt.  And I decided I really could not deal with those problems in the long run.  So that even if he could work himself to a better place, he’d still have this problem and it would still be soemthing that we would constantly have to deal with.  So i guess what I’m saying is that you have to ask yourself whether this is something you can deal with in the long run.  I think people can learn to control their addictive behaviors, but I don’t think there’s a "cure" for them.  Like alcoholics can learn not to drink, but they will always be an alcoholic.  And dealing with that might genuinely not be for everyone (I’m not saying it’s impossible to make it work, but I’m saying you have to recognize that it will be a part of your relationshp that you can’t just wish away…and it will be more prominent when other things go wrong or are stressful).  B/c whatever the addiction is, if you honestly and truly don’t think it’s something you can live with, including the potential for occasional relapse, then I think it’s much easier to decide that now for both you and your son.

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