Received invite with only FI's name on envelope?

posted 3 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 46
Member
12217 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

ellsiepig :  Not spite. Natural consequences. Nobody is obligated to go out of their way for anyone. You said it yourself. 

Post # 47
Member
48 posts
Newbee

emsie :  I just ran into a similar situation. My fiance and I have a child together, own a home together, etc. We received an invitation to my cousin’s wedding in May with just my name on it. I was pretty offended. I ended up messaging her, “Is [my FI] invited to the wedding? No big either way, just need to know for scheduling purposes!”

We found out that the Maid/Matron of Honor screwed up several invitations, and the exclusion wasn’t intentional. 

However, they’re entire shower/invitations/etc. have lacked basic etiquette (sadly, I don’t think they know any better), so maybe it’s a similar situation with your FI’s cousin.

Post # 48
Member
1235 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

ellsiepig :  I have noticed that people who are very into etiquette and their way being the “proper” way to do things seem much more spiteful than most people I know.

I’ve been surprised at the number of bees who write things like “well since they said they wanted money with a poem, I’m going to give them less than what I otherwise would have.”

Ok, so you would have given them a larger amount otherwise, but now that they’ve offended your sensibilities you’re going to be spiteful and give them less? Sure, it’s your choice to live your life that way, but that seems like a petty way to live in my book.

Or in weddingmaven‘s example: I think that we all agree that no one owes anyone to go out of their way for them. And you are perfectly within your rights to make the choice not to help someone with their career because they didn’t do a meet and greet or send you a thank you note (or for whatever other reason you choose), but other people are allowed to think that that is petty and call it for what it is.

If it stems from being annoyed/upset that you didn’t get the meet and greet or the thank you note then it stems from holding on to a grudge and spite. Trying to dress it up as a “natural consequence” to make it sound better doesn’t change that.

Post # 49
Member
7767 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

franklymydearidont :  But it is a natural consequence. If I see someone behaving badly in public, acting inconsiderate of others in a very blatant way (like not greeting your guests at your wedding, or consciously choosing not to write thank you notes for your gifts cause you can’t be bothered), that says to me that this person is not a good candidate for  a job in my company. This is the type of person who is gonna go through life making selfish, inconsiderate decisions that will reflect badly on my business and that will alienate potential clients. I don’t want a person like that working for me, and I don’t want to recommend them for other jobs either…thats not something I could do in good conscience. It’s not about spite. 

Post # 50
Member
1235 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

tiffanybruiser :  Maybe it’s natural for you, but I would be the bigger person and help someone out. I don’t believe that most people are beyond helping. In the situation described, the person was inconsiderate, but that can be used as a learning experience instead of saying “oh this person was inconsiderate of me so then I’m not going to help them out with a huge life-altering thing like needing help in their career.” Sorry, but not greeting guests or sending thank you notes is rude, but not life-altering. Not lending a hand to someone in their career can be life-altering. Especially since this person is not a stranger, but presumably either a family member or a good friend.

What you choose to do perfectly is within your rights to do, but I wouldn’t do that. People can f*ck up and still be good people and/or able to grow and worthy of a second chance. That’s how I think.

Post # 51
Member
7767 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

franklymydearidont :  “People can f*ck up and still be good people and/or able to grow and worthy of a second chance. That’s how I think.”

Well that was one of the more sanctimonious responses I’ve gotten in awhile! Impressively done. I actually agree with the above line, but that still doesn’t mean I’m going to go out of my way to get someone a job when that person has demonstrated very bad judgment in a very public way. It’s a very entitled mindset to think that you can go through life behaving selfishly and inconsiderately and anyone who reacts negatively to that (by, for example, not wanting to go out of their way to recommend you for a job) is the one with the problem. 

In this example, I wouldn’t recommend this person for a job, but I also wouldn’t take it upon myself to educate them about how to be more considerate, and how doing so might earn them a second chance with me. That’s insane. Maybe if it was my best friend or a very close relative I’d feel comfortable saying something, but as a typical wedding guest? No. I would quietly go my separate way and recommend someone else who didn’t behave like an ass in public for that job.

Post # 52
Member
1235 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

tiffanybruiser :  I personally don’t go through life as a selfish and inconsiderate person, but I’m clearly more about giving chances than some other people. Which is fine. I never said you were a bad person, but your thinking does not align with my thinking.

Thanks for calling my approach insane by the way, and ignoring the fact that I said that I assumed in this case that the person would be a family member or a friend. I don’t know what a typical wedding guest is, but if you’re going to your best friend’s cousin’s girlfriend’s sister’s wedding, you’re probably not going to want to go out of your way to help them out, even if they impressed you with their manners.

I generally go to family weddings and weddings where people are friends of mine. If you’re a good enough friend for me to go out of your way to go to your wedding (since I usually have to travel for these things), then I don’t think I’d have a problem talking to the person about what is going on. Then again, I’m a much more open and frank person than most people and so I’m I’m much more likely to tell people how I actually feel.

Post # 53
Member
179 posts
Blushing bee

My husband and I did this, and we honestly didn’t mean to offend anyone. I’m glad I discovered weddingbee afterwards because I would’ve felt much worse about it. Don’t think either of our cultures care as much about the “invitation ettiquite” as Western cultures do.

Anyways, we allowed a choice of how many people would be attending for flexibility. Just write that you’re attending. If they contact your fiance and say you can’t come, then I would be offended. As of right now, just respond as though you’re invited.

Post # 54
Member
7767 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

franklymydearidont : No, every wedding I go to is not for a dearly close friend or immediate family member. I go to weddings all the time for work friends, my FI’s colleagues, family friends, cousins, second cousins, etc. And I am happy to help people out with a job recommendation whether the person is a close family member or a remote acquaintance who is interested in working in my field. Just last week I spend an hour on the phone giving advice to my mom’s childhood friend’s daughter who wants to work in publishing…I haven’t seen this girl in 10+ years.

But I’m not going to stick my neck out for someone who blatantly demonstrates bad behavior. This doesn’t mean I think the candidate with bad behavior is a bad, unredeemable person…it just means I’m personally not gonna take a risk on them. If someone really wants my career advice, I would be honest with them about why I was reluctant to recommend them for the job, but if it’s just a passing thing then no, I would not go out of my way to lecture the person on why I thought their behavior was inconsiderate.

I do think it’s insane to do that. Sorry to be so blunt, but as someone who prides yourself on being “much more open and frank than most” I’m sure you’ll appreciate seeing the same quality in others from time to time 😉

Post # 55
Member
12217 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

franklymydearidont :  I know the person and can honestly say it had nothing to do with spite. It was 100% the fact that the position in question called for professional level judgment and people skills.

It would have been this person’s name and reputation on the line to endorse someone who turned out to be inconsiderate or ignorant.

They were not close. The relationship was through one of the bride’s parents. 

Post # 56
Member
4823 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

emsie :   Your Fiance can ask if you are invited, and if you aren’t, I hope he would decline.  It is rude to ask only half of a social unit.  

Post # 58
Member
12217 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

emsie :  I guess she thinks your FI’s family are all endowed with ESP. Actually, she makes no sense. She knew your Fiance lives with you, yet he got his own invitation. 

In any case, I’m glad you have your answer. 

Post # 59
Member
6835 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

emsie :  Are you kidding me?!?! These people didn’t even send invitations to all the people they invited??? Do they not understand how phones and emails work? Glad that you found out you’re invited Bee but this bride and groom just seem outright lazy. 

Post # 60
Member
1693 posts
Bumble bee

aussiemum1248 :  Yes, the most traditional and proper form of invitation has a write-in line for the third line, where the actual guests are named. Stationers, certainly in North America, need to be strongly persuaded into producing wedding invitations in that form because they are big fans of the “all-engraved” format (even nowadays when actual engraving is nearly extinct). The all-engraved format requires an “inner envelope” to serve the purpose that the write-in line would serve, and that is the second-most traditional and proper form of invitation. But inner envelopes add weight, and hence postal costs and additional recycling costs. So many brides, unaware that the write-in line is an existing and unambiguous alternative to inner envelopes,  are trying to make the outer envelope serve two purposes — conforming to the requirements of the postal service provider while simultaneously serving as surrogate guest-name indicators. This is especially true in the United States because, unlike the rest of the English-speaking worldwhere social correspondence is correctly directed exclusively to the lady of the house (or to a bachelor who maintains his own household), in the USA social correspondence is correctly directed jointly to all adult heads of the household.

emsie :  Since the bride didn’t know to use a write-in line or an inner envelope, we can suspect she is not an etiquette expert. That means she might not have known that she had to invite you; but it also might mean that she expected her second cousin to bring you regardless. There’s no way to know. So you have an awkward choice:

1) Your fiancé can simply decline, and if she asks why can explain that he prefers to spend his time with you who were not invited. That gives her a chance to extend her invitation if she wants to, but risks her just feeling miffed and not saying anything, or

2) You can accept for two — in which case I would include a note to the effect that “Mr FiancĂ© and Ms Emsie / accept with pleasure the kind invitation of / Ms Bride / to her wedding on / date & time/ at / location” so that the bride at least knows the names of who is accepting. That leaves the onus on her to call and disinvite you if she didn’t want you there, but it opens you to censure in that case; or

3) Have your fiancĂ© call her up and ask if you were invited, which may put her in the embarrassing position of having to say “no”; or

4) My recommended option, employ the Aunt Grapevine. If she’s a second cousin, then somewhere either he and the cousin have a great aunt in common, or their grandmothers are sisters/sisters-in-law. Cousin talks to the great-aunt or his grandmother about the question; the grandmothers/great-aunts collude, consulting the bride discretely as necessary, and then let your fiancĂ© know what the ruling is. Circuitous and time-consuming, the Aunt Grapevine results in the family elders feeling needed, the bride being safeguarded from unnecessary pressure, and you and your fiancĂ© avoiding embarrassment, or

5) My grand-niece Sophia’s preferred option: call the bride directly in a celebration of overt communication.

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