Recently divorced parents threatening not to come…

posted 7 months ago in Family
Post # 92
1503 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

“My dad wasn’t with his girlfriend when the invites went out. They only JUST got back together.”

But you also said when your mom gave you the money, your dad and this girlfriend/fiancée were still together.  She gave you the money with the crazy don’t-invite-dad’s-girlfriend condition, and you took the money meaning you agreed to not invite the girlfriend back then—even though your dad and girlfriend were together then.

So the current “seriousness” level of your dad’s relationship, even if it were a proper criterion for who gets invited (which it is not), was not the reason you decided to not invite her anyway. So stop lying to the bees and yourself that it is.  You agreed with your mom you wouldn’t invite the girlfriend because you wanted your mom’s money. 

Just admit to yourself that you want the money but don’t want to deal with the humans behind the money. The I’m taking their money for THEM so they will feel honored and included statement is really one of the most cringeworthy things I have ever heard.  Really? Do you really believe that yourself?

Post # 93
749 posts
Busy bee

iomi :  At least you’ve come to a decision with your dad that he finds acceptable. 

I agree with beethree :  that if your mom has an issue, that is HER issue and she needs to deal with that on her own, with help from a therapist from what it sounds like. You are not responsible for your mom’s feelings…she is. She needs to figure out how to deal with her thoughts and her feelings. Not being able to be in the same room or the same city as your father’s girlfriend/fiancee is absolutely ridiculous.

No one is asking for her to be friends with this woman. The only thing that she needs to do is to put her feelings aside for a few hours for your sake and be cordial. If they even interact, she can smile and say, “Hi” and that’s it. If she doesn’t want to interact with this woman, she should just interact with the people she wants to interact with and ignore this woman. Is it an ideal situation? No, but it’s entirely possible to make the best of it. That’s just the reality of cetain family events after divorce a lot of the time.

Personally, I think you should set your foot down with your mother about what will and will not be tolerated/expected of her in case this woman does show up to your wedding. Tell her that you would love nothing more than to have her at your wedding day and would be extremely disappointed if she chose not to behave like an adult for a few hours and miss it. Then leave it alone. Your mother can make her own decisions. The way you handle this with her will set things up for the rest of your life for important events that you will not be able to split or have a re-do on.

One of my friends had her master’s graduation ruined by her divorced (of many years) parents’ arguing. Her mother has never gotten over the fact that her father remarried and had another child. It’s so bad that her stepmother and sibling didn’t feel comfortable coming to the graduation at all.

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