(Closed) Recently engaged and already problems…Am I being unreasonable?

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
1749 posts
Bumble bee

@Ms_Midori:  Tell her she has a set amount of people FI can invite. Lets say 50 and tell them to provide you a list of those names. If she insists on inviting more just tell her your dad will only pay for 75 guests total! If she invites more she will have to pull out her checkbook and pay per person.

Post # 4
Member
1352 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

Wow that is so rude!!! I would be the same way as you I would not feel comfortable asking my dad to pay for a bunch of strangers!! Ugh RUDE!!!!

Post # 5
Member
804 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

When my mom wasn’t contributing to my wedding, she started talking about who I had to invite.  I gave her my guest list and told her she could cover any other guests that she wanted added to the list, and any upgrades on venue if her guestlist put us over firecode.

You have 30 people on your side?  Have your Fiance tell her that she can have 30 on her side (or 50 if you’re generous) and that if the other 170 (150?) guests are that important to her, then surely she won’t mind paying for them.

CONGRATULATIONS by the way.  I’m not trying to burst your bubble, but expect this to be the first of many battles.  You love your Fiance.  You want to marry him.  You will have a wonderful wedding, and you will get through this together.  As long as you two are on the same page, you can overcome anything that is thrown at you.

Post # 6
Member
248 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

I would just have your Fiance deal with his family from now on. This is your wedding and you have to do it the way you want it. You don’t need every friend and third cousin at your wedding. My Dad is paying for our wedding and he told me, give me a number of how many friends I can invite and that will be it. He also added that my FI’s family should be allowed the same #. I’m sorry your planning is already off to a rocky start. I hope it all works out. Stay strong and tel your Fiance to set his family straight!

Post # 9
Member
156 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Hmmm. I’d like to tell you it gets better but it doesn’t. I didn’t get a guest list from his Mom I literally had to stalk his family via Facebook and his aunt did everything. I would def. have him talk to her. It’s hard trying to battle someone else’s mother. Try not to let it get to you it gets easier.

Post # 10
Member
804 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

You definitely don’t have to let your dad pay for 200 guests from his side.  It can cause so much drama down the line if one parent is paying an uneven amount.

Your instincts are right to let Fiance do the talking to her, but he needs to understand that it’s not fair for your dad to pay for so many people.  If your dad is contributing but not paying for all of it, who is paying for the rest?  I’m assuming you and FI; is your Fiance comfortable paying for that many people?  If not, he needs to explain that this wedding will not be a 230 guest wedding and will instead be a 75 guest wedding and 30 of those guests are already spoken for, so can she please come up with 55 guests?

There is a really hard lesson that people with overbearing parents need to learn (overbearing doesn’t mean awful, they can be wonderful!  But still overbearing).  When you start a family with a woman or man, you need to defend your intended wife/husband to your family and fight for them.  Their interests need to be protected.  Obviously there are limits to this (“Your mother is going into a nursing home the moment we’re married!” is one that comes to mind), but it’s a hard lesson to learn and I think your Fiance needs to learn it.  You’re not confrontational, but if the tables were turned and your dad was making unreasonable demands, wouldn’t you stick up to your dad about your FI’s interests?

If it comes down to it, you may need to gently have this conversation with Future Mother-In-Law.  If she insists, you can get increasingly not gentle…if you are about to send invites out and she’s still being stubborn, you can tell her that in 24 hours you are picking 55 people at random from her guestlist unless she picks the 55 people who are the most important to her.  You can be flexible on the 55 number, but it’s too rude of her to expect your dad to pay for 200 of her nearest and dearest.

She doesn’t have to contribute any money at all, but if she’s not contributing, she has no say in who is invited.  You can explain to her that since your dad and other family members need to spend the money to travel to another country, the budget can’t fit that many people.  If she would prefer you get married in the UK, perhaps you can open negotiations on a bigger guestlist.  She won’t want that and will probably back off.

Post # 12
Member
4803 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@Ms_Midori:  Don’t stress too much, you should be enjoying this time, and he is the one who needs to deal with this. It’s great that he is willing to discuss it with her and isn’t putting you in the middle, so don’t put yourself there anyways! He just needs to straight out tell her that the two of you don’t want people at the wedding that neither of you are close to, and that he refuses to ask his Future Father-In-Law to pay for that many guests. She may be shocked at first that he is actually putting his foot down and telling her no, but he just needs to make it clear that this is what he wants, and she’ll come around. I think you confronting her or him putting any of the blame on you would be the worst thing, he is her son and will be forgiven much more easily, so he needs to handle this.

Post # 13
Member
804 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I hope so too, sometimes FMILs calm down.  Perhaps in the meantime you can get her involved in other things and anytime the guestlist is brought up just say, “We’re working with my father to come up with a number that works for everyone, but nothing’s decided yet.”

Like, you can get really excited about the dress she’ll wear, or ask for her input on elements of the wedding that you don’t really care about.  It’s really considerate of you to not put your Fiance in a bad position and I commend you for it!

Perhaps you can compromise on the month and make it May?  That’s right between April-March and June-July.  If you find something you can all agree on, just obsess on that with Future Mother-In-Law.  The nicer you are to her, the better she’ll be about the guestlist, especially if you drop hints along the way about how you’re working so hard to save up for this wedding.

Post # 14
Member
1109 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Wowwwww… tell her the number of people you can afford with your budget, and if she doesn’t cut down the list for you you can just cut it down yourself. She won’t like that.

My Mother-In-Law refused to pay one dollar for our wedding, in fact she flipped out when we mentioned the wedding and said “don’t think I’m paying for anything!!” (DH is an only child) so we were like ooookayyyyy. She had her list of people to invite and refused to give us any addresses. For 5 months we asked for addresses, she gave us 4, one was our next door neighbor and the other three didn’t have house numbers on them, just street names. Darling Husband told her if she didn’t give us addresses then people wouldn’t be getting invitations. Once we finally sent them out she started calling people to ask if they got invites, they would say no and then she started calling us daily to tell us about all these people who are mad and not coming to the wedding because they didn’t get invitations and she wanted us to send them out right away. NOPE. She had her shot. I didn’t want to make any drama with my Mother-In-Law either but I had to stick to my guns. Stand up for yourselves. Believe me it’ll be much more stressful to plan a wedding you hate and can’t afford than it will be to watch your Mother-In-Law pout. I’d like to tell you they get better as the planning goes on, but sometimes they don’t… but after the wedding they’re usually fine haha. Good luck

Post # 15
Member
1498 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

First things first: Congratulations!!

Now, on to your situation…I think a serious conversation with your Fiance is in order. Figure out where the two of you stand on this and have him advocate for you. When the issue of your dad paying, I like the idea PP suggested by saying that the budget has been set to accomodate xxx number of guests and that xx of those has already been set. That leaves her with xx amount that she may include unless she wishes to pay for the additional costs of her guests.

 

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