Post # 1
My boyfriend of three years recently proposed this past Valentines Day. I kind of had the feeling it was going to happen and told a few friends what I thought, and then tried to talk myself down from it so I wouldn’t get too excited if it didn’t happen. I had always said I would marry him and be with him forever. He’s been my best friend and more. As soon as he got down on one knee and asked I was in shock, like… “is this really happening?!” I was excited right after and cried just A LITTLE bit. Told my close friends and called my mom. Now that it’s been a few weeks it has really sunk in and I feel like I should be overly excited. I’m more nervous and wondering if this is the right choice. We are both 19, and plan on waiting 3-5 years before actually “tying the knot.” My parents got married when they were around our age, and they ended up in divorce when I was 9. I don’t want to end up divorced and I am not sure if this is what is making me have “cold feet.” Since I have been so unsure of my feeling I have been very distant from my fiance. I haven’t been “normal.” We’ve had sex twice since we’ve been engaged and I’m so put off and stressed out. I’ve also been stressing about my job, going to school, money and now the engagement. Is this type of “cold feet” normal, am I freaking myself out for no reason. I’m so confused and lost. Please help?!
Post # 3
no one can tell you what is normal or not normal, but based on my personal experience, this sounds like more than cold feet. For what it’s worth, I have changed A LOT since i was 19. Not my likes and dislikes, but my outlook on life and maturity. It sounds like you have the right attitude toward your fiance, but any misgivings about the engagement come from you personally which is not a bad thing. I think you should discuss this with your fiance – not that you don’t want to marry him, b/c he sounds great! – but that you are worried about your age and the situation in general.
Post # 4
*Hugs* I’m sorry you feel this way! I think that it’s pretty normal to feel like this, especially given what you went through with your parents. I know that you are scared of divorce, but it really sounds like you are doing the right thing. You’ve been in a stable relationship for three years- I don’t know if there’s any sort of “golden rule” in terms of how long you should be together before getting married, but three years seems like long enough to really get to know each other and make sure it’s going to last. The fact that you’re not planning on getting married for several years is also good- if you’re in college, I recommend not getting married until after you graduate, it’s just easier.
I might suggest going to see a counselor- you could go by yourself or as a couple- because that way they can arm you with the tools you need to learn about what you’re feeling and why you’re acting this way, and how you can effectively communicate with him.
edit: as an afterthought, if it’s any consolation, I got engaged when I was 20 and I’m getting married this year as a 22-year old.
Post # 5
My advice is to take it slow…. If you already have these feelings they wont get better overnight. 19 is very young for making one of the biggest choices of your life. I know you plan on waiting 3-5 years and that might be a really good thing. Im 29 and just got married last year. I have changed SOOOO much from when I was in my early 20’s. The biggest changes for me were when I hit 25. My tastes & life goals totally changed.
Now, everyone is different and everyone is ready at a different time and age. Your the only one who can decide what is best for you.
Maybe a long talk with your Fiance about your life goals and desires can put your mind at ease. As long as your both on the same page or willing to make compromises in life’s “big picture” I think your off to a great start.
Post # 6
Thank you for your advice everyone. I really appreciate it. I’ll try talking to him about it, I just think he’ll be upset because I was so sure a few months ago and now it all just seems…fuzzy and confusing. (fuzzy was the only word I could think of..) I plan on graduating from college before we marry but he recently has talked about going to the Marines and wanted to marry before he left. I guess we need to have that talk and figure out if we’re on the same page or not.
Post # 7
Dont get stressed out you have plenty of time to think about your decision since your waiting a few years to get married I think everyone gets overwhelmed time to time. Hang in there…
Post # 8
I can relate to how you felt. My parents got married young (24) and were high school sweeathearts and then 22 years later ended up in divorce. I started being distant after about 2 months of being engaged. I was so worried that our relationship would end up like my parents. My Fiance reminded me that we are not them and that our relationship is totally different. I was also nervous because I felt too young (Im 23) and I had always pictured getting married around 25 – which even though its not that far away, it felt like it! Then I realized that age is just a number and that my Fiance and I have grown and learned together over the past 4 years and we have made it through a lot of difficult times and that he is the only person I want to experience those bad things with and the only person I want to share in the good times with! I think it is a good idea for you to wait a few years before getting married and maybe even wait a while before even talking about wedding plans. Just take the next few years to build your relationship even stronger and figure out who you are and how you are together.
Post # 9
I think your feelings are valid and deserve to be explored. It seems normal to me that someone whose parents divorced with similar circumstances would feel odd and a bit worried. I highly recommend going to talk to a trained counselor about your feelings. The odds are extremely good that he or she can help you work through them in a healthfully productive way. And if it helps, you’re not alone! I went through something similar and I’m 26 and know myself very well! (((HUGS)))
Post # 10
Thank you all so much! This has really put my feelings at ease already..I was considering going to a counselor and now I think I’ll look into that. Thanks again! 🙂
Post # 11
I’d say just make sure to take it slow and not rush into things. Take the next couple years as time to grow together and develop goals for life together. Also remember you are not your parents and are not doomed to end up the way they did. Maybe talk to your parents individually and see if there are things they would change and things that they wished they would have done in order to keep their relationship. Either way try not to stress about it and realize that just because you’re engaged now it doesn’t have to change the relationship you’ve loved for the past 3 years.