(Closed) HELP! Recently engaged…and so the problems begin…

posted 9 years ago in Rings
Post # 4
18637 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

Personally, I think that any ring is a good ring!  But if you really dont like it maybe you can bring that up with him after you get it.  It is possible to get the stones set into a different setting and that sort of thing.

Post # 5
1509 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

Is the ring returnable?  Many stores and online vendors have a 30 days no questions asked return policy.

I can see why he is upset – he spent countless hours trying to find something that he THOUGHT you would love.  Having you shoot it down and get mad at him will really upset him.  Many guys are like this.  I think the best way to handle this is (assuming it is returnable or can be applied towards a different ring) is to tell him that you love him very much and are so appreciative that he went to the trouble of finding you that perfect ring.  Unfortunately, I just don’t like the style of it and because you will be wearing it proudly for the rest of your life as a symbol of his love, you would really like to have something that suits you better. 

Post # 6
10218 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2010

((HUGS)) i agree with mrs. louboutin and i see your point.  can he show you a picture of the ring he purchased?  guys are well guys and his description could be majorly lacking.  i’ve sent M at least 100 pix of rings I like and although I won’t have the slightest idea what he picked out it better have a halo around it… if not i will not be happy, but i will purchase a custom designed wedding band with a freaking halo around the gemstone to fix it.  seriously he better get me what i want.  if i were you i’d hold off and wait until the ring came in to see what it looks like.  the jeweler probably has a policy where you can take it and get something that you’d like better.  you can say you had a change of heart and that it snags or the prongs get caught on sweaters, if you’re a teacher children, shoot anything…

Post # 7
683 posts
Busy bee

I wouldn’t feel guilty, you’re the one wearing it. If he proposed without the ring for you to pick it out, then he shouldn’t have deviated from that plan. You shouldn’t have to settle for a ring you have to wear FOREVER just to save his feelings… or his mother’s.

One day, the tables will turn and you’ll have to do something for him, so I wouldn’t worry about it.

Post # 8
1392 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010 - Heron Hill Winery

I see why he is upset, because the proposal and ring choice is “supposed” to be the guy’s job.  I think my Fiance started feeling this after we picked out a ring together, especially since I knew he bought it.  He felt it took a lot of the glamour and surprise away from the proposal.  He felt he had no say in the ring or surprise.  He brought the ring back and surprised with something completely different, but absolutely perfect.  I say that you wait and see what he came up with, he might surprise you!

Post # 10
16 posts

Hey it’s your ring, your engagement, your wedding do what you want and just be happy and have fun with it! 

Post # 11
682 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

Continue to be NICE (this is key), but say something…as Ejs said above it will continue to bother you. I picked out my OWN ring and still decided to change it…

Though, I’d hang tight until you actually see it. You might like it.

Post # 12
2344 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I understand what you are saying about your agreement. Fiance and I have had issues like this where he gets hung up on the “thing” when to me, its how it transpired, not the actual thing we are discussing. If you had discussed at length that you would design your ring, and then he went and did something else with his mom without asking you about changing the plan, I think the problem is that you two were not on the same page. I know it must be very frustrating, especially since this is something important!

Having said that, I think you are doing the right thing by letting it go. A lot of times, men can’t understand that are you are upset about how he did things, not what he did, and you will go around in circles forever trying to get each other to see where you are coming from. I’m sorry this didn’t work out perfectly, but dwelling on it is going to take away from the joy of getting married to the person you love! So I would try to just let it go and appreciate the fact that he wanted to be traditional and surprise you with a beautiful ring.

Post # 13
149 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

I can understand why you are feeling this way.  The two of you made an agreement.  He deviated from the plan and decided to go another route.  I think that is really the core issue, that you decided on something together and the plan changed without your knowledge. 

I can also understand why his feelings were hurt, but his explanation of it being traditional for him to pick out the ring actually isn’t the case here.  From the way I read your post he has never laid eyes on the ring and only has detailed description from his mother.  All the searching for the perfect ring was not done by him but by his mother.  Who knows when it arrives, he may not be personally thrilled with the selection himself.

I’m sure you can appreciate him wanting to surprise you and I’m sure he really did not think it would upset.  I would wait to see the ring in person and then if not pleased with it see about an exchange or change of setting etc.  After all you will be the only one wearing it for the rest of your life, and therefore should love it.  If you can not get passed it, I think its best to be honest with him.  

Post # 14
282 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I was picky too and ultimately picked my own. He needs to understand that being picky might be part of your personality and therefore part of your marriage. Since your ring is the start of your marriage, it should reflect both of you so maybe you should go and pick one together. If you do that, you can make him involved and also get something you will wear on your finger forever… good luck…

Post # 15
687 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

I understand that you’re upset since you made an agreement and then he wanted to do something else. So, I can understand that part is frustrating.

However, even though the ring sounds like it’s not for you, if you haven’t seen it then I wouldn’t get all worked up about it. It could be that you see it and then all the feelings of what that ring symoblizes overwhelm you.

For me, it’s really not about the material ring, and rather than feeling bummed it’s may not be exactly what I want, I would focus on how lucky I am to have someone who WANTS to give me a ring.

Post # 16
289 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

have you even seen the ring yet? to me, it sounds like you are upset because you didn’t get to pick it…but you didn’t give him a chance to present it to you. while i agree that if you are unhappy now you will always be, but it sounds more about control than the ring itself.  As a control freak myself, I can tell you that trying to plan a wedding like that is going to make you (and everyone around you) miserable.  Try to keep an open mind, stay patient, and most of all–remember what its all really about which is you and your guy starting your life together!

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