Recently separated soon to be divorced

posted 11 months ago in Relationships
Post # 2
9230 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2010

lost321 :  

Oh, honey. You did not fail at marriage.  Your ex failed at being human.  What you have done by getting out took extraordinary strength and courage.  You succeeded at what mattered most in a big way.  It takes abuse victims an average of seven attempts to escape before they finally leave their abusers.  You got it done the first time.

And as for that one way vacation, where would you most like to visit or relocate to?

Post # 3
561 posts
Busy bee

Left my ex-husband after an abusive (mostly emotional unless he was drunk) 5 year marriage. First thing I did? My girlfriend and I went to the Philippians, I got my diving ticket and I dove for weeks. One of the best trips I’ve ever had. The whole experience was incredibly freeing. Since then (2.5 years ago) i’ve also traveled to Morocco and various places around the states.

After leaving my ex I needed to discover myself again. I became such a shut in with him that I forgot who I was. I picked up hobbies that I discontinued (horseback riding), I learned everything I could (Guitar, diving, surfing) but most importantly of all I learned how to be independent. Traveling definitely helped teach me that and I would recommend it for everyone.

I will say that coming back from travels and facing reality again was extremely difficult. Having to deal with lawyers through the divorce, dealing with an ex who wouldn’t sign papers, dealing with an ex who stalked me to the point where I had to move numerous times so he couldn’t track me down, having to file police reports. It was NOT fun and NOT easy so please have a support system in place. Someone you can call if you’re in trouble or somewhere you can stay if you all of a sudden need to hide out.

Fast forward to today – 2.5 years after leaving my ex-husband I am with the most wonderful man who I am so excited to call my fiance. And i’ve never been more confident in my own skin. That is one thing my ex taught me; how to stand up for myself and be my own person

Post # 4
1053 posts
Bumble bee

You didn’t fail at anything. I bet it took more courage than most could imagine to escape his abuse. So many women don’t make it out alive. You did! Be proud of yourself for having such courage. 

I think you deserve a nice trip to find yourself and clear your mind mind. I say go for it!!  

Post # 5
2636 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

Please take a trip! You have been so incredibly brave and deserve any downtime you need

Post # 6
313 posts
Helper bee

Hi bee. I don’t have any advice; I’m at the beginning of leaving a very similar situation. I have great respect for you being brave enough to leave. You’ve inspired me tonight. And I’m sending you good energy. We are worth more. This is a good place for support as I have found in the last couple of days. ❤️❤️

Post # 7
1920 posts
Buzzing bee

Just remember: your past doesn’t define who you are today. You choose who you are tomorrow 🙂 we’ve all had bad relationships, but there’s so much more life to live out there. Go! Have fun! Enjoy your life because you deserve it!!

Post # 8
345 posts
Helper bee

5 years ago I was in a long term relationship with someone who had such a kind soul but no motivation. I had dreamed of traveling the world yet was so in love with him. He had no motivation to do the same. I said, “I can’t wait around for you. I’m going to see the world.” 

I bought a plane ticket to South East Asia for a 3 month solo backpacking trip. We broke up the day I left. It was literally the best decision I made in my entire life. I met so many amazing people from all over the world. I visited the Karo Batak villages in North Sumatra where my professor did research. I visited my family in the Philippines for the first time. I lived in the home where my mother was born on the kitchen floor. I met her best friend from high school and her very first boyfriend. I got lost. I got sick. I was alone. I never felt more alive. It reignited this fire that I lost so long ago. 

I came home and started over. Got a job in a field that I had always wanted to get in to and met my fiance. I wouldn’t be where I am if I hadn’t gone on that trip. I learned so much about myself. I encourage you to pack everything you own into a storage unit and just go. There’s nothing more beautiful than being able to travel anywhere in the world, packing up your bag, hoping on a plane and simply disappearing. 

Go out there and figure out what will reignite the fire within you. 

Post # 9
1853 posts
Buzzing bee

6 years ago I came home from work one day to my husband of 8 months packed and gone. I’ve heard people say seperation and divorce need to grieved the same as someone dying, understanding that you’re allowed to feel. You didn’t fail at anything, you left an abusive situation! I didn’t travel, but I did refocus my career after he left. I couldn’t afford to travel, I got left holding everything. 

If you can afford to travel and that’s what you need to heal, become whole and move on. Then do it!

Post # 10
964 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

You didn’t fail at marriage. You succeeded at taking your life back. Look at what you’ve accomplished! I can’t imagine how hard that must have been.

I think you should celebrate and treat yourself. Is there something you always wanted to do and couldn’t for whatever reason? Or something you wanted to do but your husband didn’t? Maybe if you go on a fun trip you can turn this into a positive experience.

Post # 11
2212 posts
Buzzing bee

OP, I am literally going through the same thing. I am packing my car as soon as Im done typing this and moving a car load to my new studio. My STBX also got abusive in every way except physical, and there has been one stalking incident since I told him I am done and moving out. 

I am excited, scared, ashamed, feel lost in my life, unsure of everything, and yes, like a total and complete failure. I had to work through some of that this year to even get to a place to demand a divorce…he would always talk me out of it. 

I have traveled in the past, but don’t have any money to at the moment due to moving expenses. My anxiety levels are sky high right now too so that is definitely preventing me from traveling like I used to. I am more scared of things than ever before, plus I live in a larger city now and I hear all the time how unsafe certain parts of the city are. Anyway, this is a bit off topic, I started rambling.

You can DM me anytime, I can always listen. This goes for any bee going through similar situations. I am feeling very lonely and isolated at the moment, I have no family in this city so this is very difficult for me. We can get through this bees!

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