Post # 1
Member
38 posts
Newbee
I’ve been arguing with my mother about the etiquette regarding food at the reception, so I wanted some more input.
My family is pretty small (~17-18 people including dates and the ones in the wedding party), but my guy’s family is HUGE. ~50 on one side and ~25 on the other. Because of the sheer number of people I have to invite (because I can’t not invite family members), my budget is really suffering.
I brought up the idea to my mother (who’s paying for the wedding) about having just hor d’oeurves, cake, and champagne for toasting, and she said that people expect a full meal. She refuses to even entertain the idea of not having a full meal. I told her that I don’t care what people expect, that the choices of what to serve should be ours, and that if we indicated on the invitation that it wouldn’t be a meal, it would be fine. Especially since I want to have a midday reception (~2pm.)
What does everyone think? Is it rude to not have a meal?
(Also posted this under etiquette. Wasn’t sure where was best.)
Post # 3
Member
6124 posts
Bee Keeper
hor d’oeurves, cake, and champagne for toasting s perfectly fine
No it is not rude to NOT have a meal at all, however there are some rules…
HOWEVER…. what time of day you have this is all key in making it proper etiquette.
If you want a evening shindig, then the apps have to be heavy apps enough to be a meal (can get $$).
If you have it in the afternoon, then this is totally fine and works. However, if you have people flying in for your wedding, they might expect a little more than an afternoon cake and apps.
So what time were you thinking and how many Out of Town guests do you have?
ETA: I see you said 2pm. I think it’s totally fine, but if you have a large # of people flying in they might expect something more.
Post # 4
Member
4352 posts
Honey bee
I think you should have the reception you can afford. A full meal is definitely better, especially if most of your guests are from out of town. But if you can’t afford that and the guest list then you can’t afford it. I would tell your mom that you would love to offer a full meal but can’t afford it. Come prepared with the cost difference between your proposal (appetizers, cake and champagne) and hers (full meal). If she is willing to adjust her budget to fit in the full meal then I wouldn’t complain about having one.
Post # 5
Member
393 posts
Helper bee
I think heavy hor d’oeurves, champagne and cake is good enough. You could mention that on your invititation so people won’t be expecting a full meal. Although I think that a reception like that would go by faster than one with a full meal. But if your mom wants to pay for a full meal, I would let her do it 🙂
Post # 6
Member
38 posts
Newbee
@sienna76: We were planning for afternoon (~2pm-5pm.) Pretty early in the planning right now.
The only Out of Town guests would be some of my guy’s aunt/uncles, but they would all probably be staying with in-town family members, not hotels. Not sure if that matters.
Post # 7
Member
38 posts
Newbee
@asscherlover: One problem is that she is willing to pay for the full meal, but she complain about it often (since ~80% of the guest list is my guy’s family.) If she had her way I would have a wedding that only includes immediate family (her, my siblings, my guy’s parents and siblings.) I told her that I’d rather elope that have that wedding. Now she says she’ll pay for the wedding, but if I had a tiny wedding with just immediate family, she’d pay the down payment on a house. My compromise is that we could have a tiny budget DIY wedding, but with everyone invited, then she could pay part of the down payment.
Post # 8
Member
38 posts
Newbee
@ohulani: See my response to asscherlover. 🙂
Post # 9
Member
6124 posts
Bee Keeper
Is this something you could pay yourself? It seems when parents pitch in money they get to control things (rightly), but stuff can come with strings.
But seems like you got her to agree to “tiny budget DIY wedding, but with everyone invited, then she could pay part of the down payment.” – although with some headbutting!
I read some of your old posts and it seems like this is not going to be a fun adveture with your mother. If and your Fiance paid for it, you get to have control over it all!
Post # 10
Member
4352 posts
Honey bee
@Melvin8: Just to be clear, you are using the same rule for both families right? (It sounds like your parents, grandparents, siblings, aunts, uncles and cousins.) As long as the rule is consistent I really don’t think your mom can throw a fit about the fact his grandparents and aunts and uncles had more kids than your grandparents and aunts and uncles. I would tell her she has two options: A) pay for the meal and stop complaining about how expensive it is or B) take your solution of appetizers, champagne and cake and enjoy the smaller budget.
Post # 11
Member
38 posts
Newbee
@sienna76: She hasn’t agreed to “tiny budget DIY wedding, but with everyone invited, then she could pay part of the down payment” yet! Working on it. Waiting for the date to be set before I start to really campaign for it.
My guy and I are willing to pay for a large chunk of it, but she says she wants to pay. I don’t know. It’s just getting so complicated.
Post # 12
Member
6124 posts
Bee Keeper
@Melvin8: Yeah, this might be tricky. Wouldn’t it be nice if she just let you plan the wedding you want and then gave you a wedding gift of a downpayment? Then you get what you want and a lovely gift. I wonder if you can get her to see that.
I realize I’m having a convo with you on two posts!
Post # 13
Member
11752 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
I think it’s okay as long as it is heavy hor dourves (think carving and/or pasta station, along with hot and cold, passed and stationary hor dourves). you will have to have about 10 pieces pp is pretty standard for hor dourves without a meal. It can get pretty pricy though. We just priced out a heavy cocktail party vs. a full plated meal vs. a buffet for our rehersal dinner, and the price difference was minimal.
Post # 14
Member
38 posts
Newbee
@MrsWBS: I don’t plan on having a carving station. There would be some heavier hor d’oeurves (pasta/sandwiches/etc.) They would probably all be stationary, though. Unless I can hire really cheap servers.
I would keep the price down by buying ingredients in bulk from someplace like Sam’s Club, then making everything I can ahead of time, then freezing them.
Post # 15
Member
38 posts
Newbee
@sienna76: Haha! I didn’t realize you had commented in both. The emails I get about responses are all bunched in the same email (for both posts.)
I wish it was as simple as that! I think what might happen is that she might set an amount of money, and whatever I don’t use for the wedding can go towards the down payment. I hope this happens. Fingers crossed!
Post # 16
Member
915 posts
Busy bee
I recently went to a wedding with only heavy appetizers. I was not looking forward to it ONLY becuase the ceremony was at 4:30 with the reception following unil 11:00… I didn’t eat a single thing because I just didn’t feel right standing there eating a mini lamb chop, lots of people did eat though and actually they ran out of food. Overall people were really drunk and hungry. Think as long as your hours aren’t as long as the wedding I went to and people are aware it will be fine.
