Post # 1
I am trying to make an effort to reconcile myself to not having kids. I would like to hear from people who have successfully done it and have advice. (To be more specific: I would not like to hear from people who say we should have discussed this before marriage, because I feel we did, and frankly, that’s of little help now at this point anyhow.)
When we first started dating, DH was ambivalent about kids. I said I wanted them. I did not move in/get engaged until he agreed to kids. Now, he doesn’t recall ever agreeing and will only talk about the negatives of kids: expense & energy. He’s a somewhat low energy person and he’s absolutely freaked about how having kids and getting a dog in addition to his cat would mean he couldn’t retire early and would need to work until he’s 65-72. (For what it’s worth, we make $195K/year, and have a paid off $400k apt which yes, would need to be upgraded for kids, but we’ve wanted to do that anyhow, and $600K in savings. We are NOT poor and absolutely can afford kids.)
I’ve got limited options:
- Get divorced
- Figure out how to genuinely accept not having kids as a part of my life and not be resentful.
I don’t like option 1 so I’m working on option 2 while I fervently hope it’s not necessary. (I’d say I had a 3rd option, which is to live cheaper, such as by moving to a less expensive town, and show him we can indeed afford them, but honestly, we spend less than a third of our take home already, so I really can’t see how cutting that back would make any difference in his mind, and it doesn’t solve his feeling he doesn’t have enough energy for kids.) As a note – we’re 34/38 so “waiting” is also not really an option.
Post # 3
- Wedding: April 2012 - Chateau Briand
I am so sorry you’re going through this, i’m sure it’s difficult.
the only advice i can offer is do you have nephews/nieces/friend’s kids nearby? You could make them your “adopted” kid, ones you hang out with often and spoil as if they were your own…
Post # 4
I wish I knew what to say to that, but I don’t really know. FI doesn’t really want kids either, he thinks he will be a horrible father but I beg to differ. We have agreed upon one child because even though I’m not super fond of children sometimes, I would never want to miss out on that opportunity.
Maybe there is some underlying fear going on that he doesn’t want to say? Maybe he is nervous he would screw something up?
Post # 5
@kay01: 600k in savings?!? LORD. Perhaps you guys should seek counseling. Not having children would e a deal breaker for me but if its not for you then you need to focus your energy elsewhere. Maybe take up a new hobby or start traveling more.
Post # 6
I agree with PP to consider counseling either just for him or couples counseling. It doesn’t seem fair to you to have to ‘deal’ with it so I would try that before you resolve yourself to live forever without children. I wish you luck!
Post # 7
His dad was abusive, which was why his mom divorced him, so that possibly plays a small role in it, but it’s mostly the other two. It’s a cycle – he hates his job and feels he has no energy to look for a new one while at the current one and doesn’t want to work for his entire life. If we have kids, they would take more energy and force him to work longer, which he doesn’t want to do. (Note he hasn’t like the last two companies or two bosses, so I’m inclined to think he’s particular, more than that this is a particularly grim one.)
Thanks. Yes, we see my nephew every so often, the problem being that almost makes the issue worse in that my nephew is a particularly high energy kid. Maybe I should start to see him on my own though, rather than with DH.
Post # 8
I am really sorry you are going through this. If your husband is truly serious, I honestly would consider option 1, as heartbreaking as it is. If you want children, I don’t think there’s a way you can reconcile yourself to not even trying to have them.
Post # 9
Technically it’s $700K but I subtracted $100K for my student loans I owe. I wouldn’t normally shout it out like that, except I just wanted to demolish the idea that his objection is reasonable. If it helps any – it is in part due to generous assistance from his mom, years ago, in buying his current place mortgage-free.
He won’t go. There’s lot of things I’d love for him to go about (I think he’s depressed for one, and we keep fighting the same fight over and over about chores), but it’s a complete no go. I’ve considered it for me, and you’re probably right that a counselor could help me to accept it more easily than I might on my own.
Post # 10
600K in savings? Why the heck are you paying a dime on student loan interest? I guess it’s none of my busines.
Even if you had 10K saved and pulled in 195K a year you could make kids work. My Fiance has 3 siblings and they grew up without a lot and they turned out FINE.
Post # 12
@kay01: well to blow everyones minds, maybe there could be a ‘oops’ baby..– life happens, and everyone deals with it in stride. Things are a lot different when it’s not so hypothetical anymore. Option #3? 😉 Good luck bee with your decision
Post # 13
I just have to say…. I want that kind of savings!! 😉
Otherwise, my heart hurts for you. I can’t imagine how you feel right now. If kids is something you truly, absolutely want, then I don’t really think it’s fair to compromise on this. I know that divorce would be awful and heartbreaking… but which heartbreak would be worse? 🙁
Post # 14
I am so sorry you are going through this. With my first marriage, this would have been a dealbreaker, even if he changed his mind after we were married. I had one planned child, who is now grown. I would have regretted not being a mom. Even though I did end up as a single mom, the sacrifices I made were worth it. You need to really think hard about what you truly want. In my second marriage, I contemplated having a child, but we both decided we were just too old to make the commitment. I hope you find some peace, whatever your decision.
Post # 15
I hate to say it, but it sounds like he is being a little selfish on that front. I say that because I too hate my job with a fiery passion, but I am too lazy/nervous about staring somewhere new that I only half ass look. Same goes for my Fiance because he is the same way.
I think you’d be fine making what you make right now and having a child, there are ways to save money and you guys are already pretty well off financially, moreso than a lot of people that do have children.
Post # 16
@kay01: Has he outright said NO? or is he just kind of hoping it goes away?
Have you asked him how he would feel if you accidentally got pregnant?