Post # 1
Hello Gorgeous Bees. Our wedding venue only allows a max of 75 guests so we’ve kept our wedding around the 70ish mark well since sending out save the dates which was this May I’ve made new friends and fell out of some friendships my question is there are 2 guests in particular whom I was such good friends with through highschool out of highschool we rarely saw each other only ever for big events but even now hardly ever, I thought when I sent them the save the dates they would have at least messaged me thanks or called to have a coffee nothing nada not even a facebook message? would it be rude if I just decided NOT to invite them at all now.. to be honest I’d rather invite two other people (particularly two people I’ve met at my new job and we’ve become close over the 16 months I’ve been here) what’s your opinions and how should I handle it… Hubby to be thinks I shouldn’t bother with them and he totally agrees?
Post # 2
Yes it is very rude to send a STD and then not invite them. No way around that. Also Save-The-Date Cards dont need to be acknowledged like an invite, so that’s no excuse.
Post # 3
Yes, it would be rude not to invite them after sending out an std. If your new friends are that good of friends, simply explain the situation to them and ask them once you get declines then you would be happy to have a spot for them. As a friend, I know I would be understanding of the predicament and hope for the best resolution.
Post # 4
Yeah you can’t uninvite somebody. However, if you’ve only invited 70, and you can invite 75, invite the other two. My guess is not everyone will show up anyway. And life gets busy. Just because not everyone let you know how cute your STD’s are and wants to meet up for coffee over them doesn’t mean they are not invested in your life. I wouldn’t be too put off.
Post # 5
lana1709: I have had this same issue and to be honest we still haven’t decided. We are a little less than 7 months out but when they recieved their save the dates they were already like oh we can’t come (we sent them out a year in advance?)
Good luck– commenting to follow.
Post # 6
lana1709: Why would you expect people you haven’t really seen or talked to since highschool to ring you up for coffee ust because they got your std? Have you tried ringing them up for a coffee in this time?
As for the invite…..well this is what happens when you get into a wedding bubble and decide to invite acquaintances instead of friends. It is rude to not invite them now but if you have no plans on seeing them again socially, and it already sounds like that has been the norm, then not sending them an invite probably won’t end the friendship because there isn’t one there.
Post # 7
It would be rude not to invite them after sending a Save the Date.
Nevertheless, you can pretty much count on some people RSVPing NO to the invitation, so there should be room for your new friends.
You could even do the dreaded “B list” – see how much room you have left after the RSVP deadline passes, and then invite more people.
Post # 8
i agree with PP’s that it’s rude to send a save the date, and then not invite them.
However, not everyone is going to attend your wedding. You’re probably safe inviting at least 80-85 people.
We did the “B-list”, which were basically people that didn’t get save the dates. We got quite a few no’s from save the dates, since we had online RSVPs and I encourage people to decline if they already knew they wouldn’t be able to come. We have quite a lot of family living abroad and knew they probably wouldn’t come, but wanted to show them they were invited/welcome.
I don’t think anyone that got an invitation but not a save the date was remotely bothered. Some people don’t even do std.
Post # 9
lynnielou33193: I read that if people decline after recieving them a save the date, then it’s actually bad etiquette to send them an invite. So maybe you’re off the hook if they’ve already said no?
Post # 10
lana1709: When I was a girl, there was an “autograph book” fad: we all had little bound books with blank pages that we carried around and got people to sign in them. There were sentimental little poems that people included when they signed, one of which went:
Make new friends, but keep the old:
Those are silver, these are gold.
If people with whom you shared four formative years as you grew into womenhood together, can simply drop out of your life; what makes you think your co-worker relationships of little more than a year will be more lasting? If you were to be laid off tomorrow, do you think those colleagues would still be calling you up to go for coffee?
I have two pieces of advice for brides-to-be who might in the future find themselves in your situation:
First, don’t send Save-the-date notices in the first place. Exciting though it might seem to have some pseudo-official document displaying your name combined with your fiance’s, Save-the-date cards are actually quite inelegant. They are reminiscent of an advance-advertizing brochure, and give you the appearance of someone who is trying to steal a march on other hostesses by getting your date reserved first, as if you weren’t confident that your friends would actually accept your invitation if you didn’t get it onto their calendars early. While it is true that people coming in from out of town need to make vacation and travel arrangements, the proper way to do that is to share your plans with your nearest-and-dearest in loving hand-written personal notes (or loving hand-typed personal emails.)
Of course, in your case, that ship has sailed. So on to …
Second: maintain appropriate boundaries between your social life and your business life. Your relationships with your colleagues should, naturally, be friendly; but that is not the same as their being friends. It is entirely possible for a colleague to also be a friend, but it does not happen automatically or even commonly. I hark back to the question I asked earlier: would you still be seeing them if you were laid off or fired? Do you socialize with them on holidays and weekends (lunch-hours and going to the bar after work don’t count as those are pseudo-work events.) Do you know their home addresses to send the invitations to so that you don’t have to give them their invitations at the office? Do you know their husband’s names to include on the invitation without asking? Are you comfortable with their knowing about the skeletons in your closet that might come out during wedding speeches and toasts, or in dinner-table conversations if Auntie Mildred gets a little tipsy and starts telling stories? If you aren’t answering a whole-hearted Yes! to all those questions, then rethink the appropriateness of treating these colleagues as true social friends.
Post # 11
This is a reason STD’s should only be given to VIP guests such as relatives and family members you want to celebrate with. Our room was capped at 50 – our choice, but we waited to send out invites to our friends because we were able to play with family numbers first (we didn’t invite children, either).
I’m not sure why you even thought to invite people who you don’t see or hang out with. If you hang out with your friends from work – outside of work – then invite them. If you don’t I don’t see the need to include them.
Post # 12
aspasia475: I don’t see how sending a loving hand-written note rather than a “save the date” would have changed her current predicament at all. Either way, she’s informed someone of the wedding that she now doesn’t want to invite.
Post # 13
spiffanee: Ah, you missed the qualifier “with your nearest-and-dearest”. If she truly counted her old highschool friends among her “nearest-and-dearest “, she would not now be looking for a way to avoid inviting them.
Post # 14
lana1709: Save the Dates don’t require acknowledgment or response. If people already know they can’t come, they might tell you that. Your mom or sister might say how cute they are. Other than that, they get stuck on the fridge until the invitation comes. It would be rude to disinvite them for not calling you up for coffee after getting your save the date.
Post # 15
it wasn’t that I excpected an acknowledgement for sending out save the dates from them but these are/were my friends you’d think in this day and age everyone having their phones attached to them they could send me a text or a fb message even to ask me how I am? I fractured my toe and posted about it on facebook I didn’t even recieve a ‘are you ok?’ text or call nothing from them? these people were supposed to be my friends why would I want them at my wedding if they can’t even be bothered to be part of my life on a regular – this is what is upsetting me at the most
I have on several occasions attempted to catch up with them only to have them literally pull out at the VERY last minute (one time I was at the coffee shop waiting only to recieve a text saying they couldn’t make it) I understand life changes and people move on and at the time I was sending these out I thought it would be a great change to reconnect with them and really did want them at my wedding but the past couple of months they have literally made no attempts at contacting me for a catch up or even drinks and it’s not like we live far from each other? Whist other friends have shown much more enthusiasim in the ocassional ‘how’s wedding planning going?’ texts and even coffee/brunch dates these two particular friends of mine have not acknowleged me and I don’t know if maybe I did something to upset them? or maybe they really don’t want to be friends with me any more? Call it bad ettiqute but I really cannot justify in my heart of hearts to spend money on people who frankly couldn’t give a shiizz about me or my fiance…
not that I need to justify why i sent save the dates it is because we have overseas guests and our wedding itself is an out of town wedding some people need to arrange leave and accomodation in advance so we wanted to give people as much time as possible.