Post # 61
amilly435 : This argument is exactly why it’s insane to split expenses equally when you have unequal incomes. You end up with a huge disparity in free cash which in turn leads to petty shit like this.
Try splitting bills proportionately to income. He makes 80% more than you, he pays 80% of the bills. If your salary increases after school & you out-earn him, you pay a larger share of bills. This system also forces you to *budget* together which is imo the foundation of any successful relationship. Decide what expenses are joint (rent & utilities are easy, the bonding comes when you decide together a budget for stuff like groceries, shared hobbies, delivery), write it all down, and your car troubles will disappear I guarantee.
Post # 62
He needs to change his car and stop sponging off yours – or else take responsibility for filling up your car..it’s wholly unreasonable with your financial situation and income inequality.
Post # 63
I completely agree with the WB contradiction! Everyone now says that it is about the income disparity but when a bee posts that her boyfriend is barely making any money the comments are that she shouldn’t be nickle and diming him or that she should be generous, the consensus is usually that everyone thinks the guy needs to pull his weight more!
Post # 64
zzar45 : I think another major factor is that she’s in school advancing toward a good career. The posts that I see with bees complaining about their partners not bringing in enough money tend to be along the lines of “he’s unemployed/working in a dead-end job and always claims he’ll look for something better but doesn’t actually do it” or “he dropped out of college before but is going back to take a few courses and still isn’t studying hard/doing well, and I’m worried that he’ll never manage to be successful”. I don’t actually remember any posts where a bee had a partner doing a professional degree that would be done in a couple of years, and people said to leave him because he wasn’t making enough money.
Post # 65
Sephiroth : meh I don’t think it’s strictly women who get screwed in situations like this. I have definitely seen it go on with men where the women has the house and it’s not even in his name and he is expected to fork out just as much towards the house. I just don’t feel like we need to turn this into a women’s issue when it isn’t one.
I agree though OP it is extremely petty on his part to be calculating exactly how much gas you use especially since it’s for his errand. Because of no fault of your own you can’t work as many hours as he does because of school it just isn’t logical at all that you should have to contribute equal to what he does. At this stage in the game of living together he should be viewing it as an “us” situation since you are actively in school so that one day you can work FT and make more money for the time being he should have more of an attitude of, “Hey babe I got you.” Not freaking nickel and diming you out the ass. I would say the same thing the other way around as well if he was the one in school and whatnot. I’m not even gonna throw the you’re not married card up there because I feel like now a days that’s not as relevant since most people live together before marriage and some act as married before the wedding happens. But if my fiance (who i live with) treated me that was we would be having a come to Jesus talk.
Post # 66
- Wedding: April 2017 - City, State
He bought a gas guzzling truck. That was his decision. If he was so concerned about gas mileage and how easy it was to get around town, he should have bought a different vehicle. That is not your problem. He made a poor purchase choice.
Essentially, it would never make sense to take his truck unless you guys were hauling lumber or something, so the wear and tear would ALWAYS be on your car and not his. I’m not even concerned with the income disparity (though that is also an issue) I just don’t think you’re required to be constantly inconvenienced because he makes bad purchasing choices. Let him buy a new, more fuel efficient truck or a new car. Or he can uber for his errands.
Post # 67
.He makes me dinner nearly every night, has offered to drive me out to school when the weather is bad, paid for the $80 christmas tree this year even though he’s Jewish and could care less, paid for groceries on the way home today after this little spat, is letting me use his super nice macbook and take it to school with me since I spilled coffee on mine and wrecked it, just to name a few recent examples
…and then when he asks to use your cost effecient car ( when you are both going somewhere) you want to charge him for $10 for fuel used? I can see why he is annoyed.unless you were planning on paying him (for the even more expensive) fuel if yous went to the hiking or to town in his truck then its unfair to assume he should pay you for taking your car.
Rather than charge him per trip why not agree that the extra he pays towards other things would cover it.
Post # 68
I’m not going to get into the gender arguments I just want to ask why you guys moved into together in the first place? He knew you didn’t make much and you knew he made more. What were both of you guys’ expectations when you moved in together because you said he’s had this awesome pay for a year as well as the amount of time you’ve lived together. If you guys had remained living separately you would be footing the bills separately so your struggle would be yours alone. I think moving in together should be less about “love” and more about the financial status of your life individually since you aren’t married. In your case everything seems tit for tat and not like you guys have the mentality that you’re both working towards the same future so why did you move in together?
Post # 69
DoubleD : when we first moved in together I was making enough to cover my share of everything, but then I got into school and my income declined. In hindsight we should’ve had this conversation well before I started.
Post # 70
Can he sell the truck and get a car with better gas mileage? I just think it’s dumb for him to have this huge truck but never want to drive it because of the gas. If he was smarter about his vehicle purchase this wouldn’t even be an issue.
Post # 71
amilly435 : Oh I see. Well you already said you plan on having a talk which is good. If you guys see yourselves getting married or being with each other long term I think you need to also discuss what that means now. Is he willing to pay more now knowing your future job will bring more income and be there to help you if you need car repairs or financial assistance? And are you willing to pick up more when you do secure your job? Because if the mindset is “I don’t want to give too much because we could break up,” then you guys probably aren’t in it for the long run.
My personal experience is that my husband who was my boyfriend at the time had to pay more for the rent and food when we had a roommate while I finished school and started the academy for my job. It was a sacrifice he was willing to make for our long term which we saw together. So even if we had a risk of breaking up we lived in that moment of where we were at and he never thought twice about it. I now make more money than him and we are married, bought a house, bought him a new car, and I’m buying a new car next year. So in the long run we each had to sacrifice but knew where we wanted our long term to be and what that meant for each of us sacrificing.
This is what you need to figure out with your boyfriend.
Post # 72
emsie : Ditto. Or even just downgrade to a smaller truck if that’s what he really wants to drive. A Toyota Tacoma for instance or Chevy Colorado.
Post # 73
emsie : yeah he’s been thinking about getting a commuter car. Again it’s not that he “never” wants to take it. We take it places pretty often but these two times it didn’t make sense to me since I’ve been driving so much and his reaction was surprising to me.
DoubleD : I totally agree with you. It’s just hard to navigate these things, since we’ve never had to do it before. I’m stuck in between the “no I can do it without his help, that’s what I’d be doing if we weren’t together” and “but he should want to help me” mentality. Which he DOES want to help me, he’s said that plenty of times. But I’m not sure to what capacity, which is what we need to talk about. As others have said, he’s not required to do more than he’s doing, so I feel like if I push him towards it then it would just cause resentment, but if I don’t then I’d become resentful.
It also sucks now thinking “well he must not love me enough” when he does a lot of other generous and thoughtful things.
Post # 74
“So we’ve been together for 2.5 years, living together for a year. We split rent evenly and usually do “every other” for meals. He does pick up maybe a litttllleee bit more than I do it terms of outings. And offers to pay for certain things”
With the OP in school, and the huge income disparity, the BF’s 50:50, split almost everything to the penny mentality is incredibly self serving and cheap. On top of that he has started to balk at using his own car because it will cost him more, offers to cover the gas only after OP asks and points out it’s a burden on her in her circumstances, then continues to argue about it.
Oh, but he paid for a $80 Christmas tree! And one trip to the grocery store, after a fight. I’m sorry, but I’m not handing him any medals.
Post # 75
weddingmaven : thanks for your response. I said this in other posts but this is the first time he’s been so specific about what he’d pay back. Usually it’s not an issue at all. And we do take his truck places. We don’t exclusively drive my car.
You don’t have to give him a medal, but everyone was calling him a selfish asshole yet those are a few examples of why I don’t agree.