Post # 91
amilly435 : Maybe nickel and diming isn’t the most accurate way of putting it, but didn’t you say you currently pay for your own groceries? Under the circumstances I see that as a distinction without much of a difference.
You are a couple, not roommates. And while I don’t think that means all your finances should be combined at this stage, I do think most SOs in your boyfriend’s place would be more generous.
Post # 92
amilly435 : when we first moved in together I was making enough to cover my share of everything, but then I got into school and my income declined. In hindsight we should’ve had this conversation well before I started.
Can you elaborate some on this? Did you two not discuss anything regarding the big change in the financial picture before the change was made? If the original agreement was expenses are split 50/50 it isn’t really fair for one person to expect the other to start paying more without discussing it with them first and making sure they’re both on board with the change.
Post # 93
You are pushing your own ideals in other relationships. Just because they do mostly 50/50 doesn’t mean they are roommates rather than a couple. Many couples move in together way before they are ready or thinking about marriage so while they are a couple they are committed to each other in the same way as a married couple. I disagree that that when a couple aren’t ready for engagement that one should feel obligated to cover rent and bills for the other. If they break up OP would have gotten her rent paid for and he loses out, doesn’t seem fair considering she would have to pay for rent and bills if they weren’t together.
They have decided that mostly 50/50 with him covering a few extras works for them so that isn’t the issue yet you just keep bring it up as him nicking and diming her, even though it looks like they agreed this together.
Post # 94
zzar45 : With him earning many times what she does, you’re right, I do see it differently. OP says she is struggling to keep up. I would not say she is OK with the status quo or agreed it is reasonable.
Post # 95
amilly435 : This doesn’t add up.
If you are only earning $20k a year, you would only have $384.00 per week (before tax?). If rent is only $100 per week, food $50, petrol $100, you would have $134.00 for utilities, phone bill, internet, car insurance, car registration etc. before you even get to recreational stuff. Either your boyfriend does pick up a lot of the extra expenses, or your parents do.
I disagree with bees that your boyfriend should be paying more than you. He is your boyfriend, not your fiances or husband. He is under no obligation to financially support you, just because you live together.
You said yourself that you frequently take his car places and you don’t pay for gas. Now I don’t think you should pay for gas, but at the same time I don’t think you should ask him for gas because he wants to take your car two isolated times. If he made a habit of it, then sure he should start paying for it.
If you are feeling the burden financially this much, personally I’d sit your boyfriend down and tell him you are thinking about moving home until school is finished to ease the financial pressure. If he OFFERS to pay more of the household expenses for you so you can continue to live together then that’s great, if he doesn’t then I would move home until schools finished and you get a fulltime job.
Post # 96
weddingmaven : If she’s not happy with the current situation then she should talk to him about it and see what changes can be made that they both agree to instead of just expecting him to pay more and getting mad when he doesn’t. He’s not a mind reader and he should be able to have equal say in their financial arrangements.
I still don’t get this expectation that the higher earner should automatically be required to pay more. I would never expect a partner to support me like that just because they happen to earn more.
ETA: Maybe they should look at options to reduce their living expenses. Find a less expensive place to live or a place closer to her school to take some of the burden off.
Post # 97
youngbrokebride : I agree that she may have to move back in with her parents if she’s feeling the pinch financially, but I don’t think her budget automatically implies that someone else is supporting her.
Taxes should be relatively low at that income level, and there are certainly places where you can rent a one-bedroom apartment for under $1000/month. Gas should be less than $50/week if she’s going 140-280 miles in a car that gets 35 mpg. With, say, $1400/month after taxes, her budget could be something like this:
Yeah, there’s only about $200 left over each month. That’s not a lot, hence the stress about gas money and not being able to afford unexpected car expenses if her car gets used more than strictly necessary. But I wouldn’t leap to saying that someone else is supporting her just because she doesn’t have money to spare.
Post # 98
threecrazycats : I’m glad I’m not the only one who thought some responses were a little much lol. But yes I don’t think the issue is the $6, its that I’m uncomfortable with the way things are currently set up yet not voicing my thoughts in the best ways. Thank you so much for your support!
needmorewine : I didn’t realize that my hours would be so limited- I thought I could do 20hours a week, no problem. But with the commute, I ended up staying over there most of the week with a friend, and I work in our hometown so that cut down available hours to weekends. I went to my parent’s for thanksgiving (2 hours away from our home, 3.5 from school, which means I can’t move back with parents) I didn’t work that weekend, we had exams last week so I didn’t work that weekend so I could study (was supposed to nanny for 10hours but that fell through), and this weekend I’m not working because of finals tomorrow through wednesday. My laptop also went out last week, so that’s another $900 expense, plus some medical issues I’ve had. It’s just all getting stressful, which is life and I’m adult now but I think that’s where all of this is coming from.
Our rent & utilities are currently $567 (internet and TV included), probably the cheapest we’d be able to find in the Portland area. And we have a roommate to cut down as well. We also moved last April to a place $300 cheaper make it easier on me financially. I appreciate your perspective, I feel terrible demanding that he pay more like some are saying, and it’s refreshing to know he’s not a terrible human if he’s not comfortable paying more.
youngbrokebride : That’s the problem, it doesn’t add up lol. The first couple months was fine, but like I said to needmorewine, I haven’t been able to work really at all the last month. I have a good savings that I’ve been using when necessary, and I’m planning to just work a ton over breaks to build it back up. I appreciate your perspective as well! That might be how he’s seeing it too. I’ve talked to him and we’ve agreed to cut down on meals out, and if we go get drinks or something he pays for them. I’m also going to cut out my Target and Starbucks habit. My parents don’t help out, though they’ve offered and they’ve told me they will if I ever need it.
Car payment- $140
Gas- $35-50 per week depending how many times I commute
– School is covered by loans, and the leftover $1k comes back to me every quarter.
Post # 99
I think if money is such a topic of strain between the two of them, if everything else remains the same (OP didn’t indicate a huge problem with splitting living expenses until prodded), then the person who cannot afford gas for a gas-guzzling vehicle should get rid of said vehicle and purchase a smaller car. That way, no one will have an excuse as to why they cannot drive their own car with their own gas to wherever they need to go for whatever reason.
The problem OP initially had was about gas, mileage, and wear and tear on her transportation to-and-from school. Solution is for her SO to rid himself of his burdensome truck.
OP, have you suggested this to him? It could be said in a way that seems like you’re coming from a place of genuine concern: “hey, have you thought about getting a car that has better mileage? I know filling up your truck all the time can get expensive…do you think it’s worth it?”
Post # 100
happiekrappie : he’s said a few times that he’s seriously thinking of getting a commuter car… while keeping the truck lol. I support him having a truck actually, it comes in super handy a lot and we use it a ton in the winter and summer for recreation. But I totally agree 14mpg is ridiculous to be driving daily. It’s $100 for him to fill up.
I’ve realized that my issue isn’t actually him asking to use my car a couple times, or offering $6 vs $10, it’s the stress of finances in general.
Post # 101
needmorewine : Then your definition of “partner” is different than mine.
Post # 102
. So you like the fact that he has a truck that costs him a fortune to run because you both use it recreationally most of the year, but you kicked up a fuss and looked for mileage expenses when he sensibly asked to use your more economical car twice to run errands with you??
This makes no sense.
Post # 103
pocahontas28 : My point was that I would like him to have his own commuter car to run errands and be a daily driver, of course. At the same time I do understand why he has the truck, because we do a lot of things that require a bigger vehicle.
And it’s been established that my fuss wasn’t really about using the car, it’s about deeper issues we need to figure out.
Post # 104
This is so foreign to me. My SO and I also live together and split expenses 50/50 for the most part. Our incomes are pretty even with Jim edging me out by about 500 a month. I cover all my expenses, he covers all his, and shared expenses we split. With our cars we usually drive his (I even drive his to work because I work day and he works night shift). I haven’t driven my own car in months. I put gas in his car whenever I drive it alone. If we are together he will hardly ever let me pay for gas unless I beg relentlessly lol. I find it so crazy that your SO fights you on topping off your tank when he uses your car. You ask him to put in 10 and he says he will put in 6? RED FLAG. He is really making a fuss over 4 dollars? I can see many financial arguements in your future. It’s really such a silly thing to continually argue over. If he is willing to put back what he uses, maybe you should just accept that for the sake of keeping the peace….you aren’t losing out on anything and he is saving a couple bucks in gas by not taking his guzzler.
Post # 105
BookishBee : When I said extra expenses, I didn’t mean supporting her neccessities. I mean like going out, or buying those random things for the house, like the Christmas tree.
amilly435 : Full disclosure, I’m the one with the petrol guzzling truck and Dh’s car uses heaps less haha. But the truck comes in handy so often for going hiking, or picking up furniture etc. I’m glad you were able to have a talk and figure it out, I hope your boyfriend was understanding that you aren’t trying to nickle and dime him – just that you are trying to keep with your tight budget.