- 4 months ago
- Wedding: October 2019
Hey, Bees. I’m gonna try to keep this as short as possible, but it’s a doozy. Thank you so much for reading. I’m not sure if I’m looking for advice or just to vent… if you choose to give advice please be gentle.
My Fiance and I have had fights for a year and a half starting off because my Fiance was telling his family “yep we’ll be there!” To really short notice things Without asking me. We worked through that, he definitely does not do that any more. Then I started feeling hurt and frustrated because even though my Fiance would “ask” me, it was really a tell. Then it became guilt tripping, then bribing.
I have always worked with him on this. I understand he’s coming from a place of fear of disappointing his family. We’ve always been able to work through it, and typically he has kept his word on the compromises we reach and things we both decide to do to try to remedy this going forward.
But this last time he didn’t keep his word. When we got into an argument a few months ago he decided he would benefit counseling to help with his fear of disappointing his family. I supported this decision. He never went. He also said he was going to check in with his family starting 2 weeks before he thought there might be a get together (for birthdays, holidays, a time people are going to be together for something and might want a meal after, whatever), but he did not. I tried to start asking him 2 weeks before, and he’d just say “no nothing is happening” because he hadn’t heard anything and wasn’t proactive. Then we got super last minute notice for something. This happened three times, and then I lost my cool on the third time (this weekend). He had told me for two weeks nothing was happening, told me same-day that he just found out something was happening but that we didn’t have to go, and then gave me 3 hours notice that he wanted to go (he didn’t actually WANT to go, he was just mad that his brother had laid into him about not going 30 minutes before this all went down) and for me to come with him. If he just wanted to go by himself, that’s totally okay. That’s his prerogative. I really lost my cool.
I know my fear of being controlled and my really strong familial boundaries play a role. But now I’m finding this a really tough pill to swallow because he didn’t keep his word. I’m also just tired of this fight. I’ve always told him that if something comes up, he should try to explain to this best of his ability if it’s really important to him or if he just doesn’t want to get hurt feelings, and I will do my best to be respectful and change my schedule if need be. He says he trusts that I would do this but he always in the moment feels it’s ALL really important even if later he realizes it isn’t, so when I try to figure out if we really need to go or not he gets defensive in the moment and we fight. I’m not seeing a fix for this if he doesn’t have a willingness to lay down boundaries with his family that when he has cooled off he admits he needs. I’m scared this is going to be a cyclical thing forever.
Alright, that’s it for now. If you got this far, thank you so much for reading. Let me know if you have any thoughts.
Editing to add: the issue isn’t really the short notice, that’s okay most of the time we make it work. It’s that when we can’t make it work his family guilt trips and gets mean. This makes Fiance cave, and then he’s upset if I won’t cave along with him. After he’s cooled down, he always understands why I said I couldn’t go and he knows that it’s always okay for him to go without me. He just never wants to go without me.