Recurring Fight and FI Not Keeping His Word

posted 2 months ago in Relationships
Post # 46
Member
523 posts
Busy bee

He is treating you excatly like how his family treats him…last minute invites, getting upset if you don’t want to go, guilt tripping you by refusing to go without you especially after you have already told him no. 

Honestly, he’s no better than they are!  

Post # 47
Member
5905 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

kat5 :  It’s so interesting how cowed your Fiance is by his family. And for what? If you choose not to attend an event, the worst that can happen is that people will talk some shit. That’s all. They aren’t going to kick your SO out of the family or physically abuse him. Nothing is going to happen. So the two of you are having fights and tug of war power struggles to avoid a little bit of shit talking. It’s not necessary. Once you (both) get in the habit of doing what you want to do, his family will get used to it (or you will be less bothered by their shit talking and guilt tripping).

There is no need for him to sit on the phone and listen to his brother bitch him out for not attending an event. As soon as it’s clear that that is what he’s doing, your Fiance can just say “I’m not going to listen to this. I’m getting off the phone. Take care.” and hang up.

You should absolutely go on and send him to events on his own. The situation that led to your most recent fight seems like it could have been resolved by calling an Uber or having one of his folks come and pick him up. These issues are seriously not that serious except that he isn’t letting it go when you tell him no and you’re engaging in a back and forth with him rather than making your own no stick. It does not have to be a fight. Just “No, I’m not going and I’m not going back and forth with you about it.” and that’s the end of it.

In my opinion, if you are developing your own relationships with these people (to the point that you have some actual concerns about their opinions when you don’t show up for something), then you could also speak directly to them and let them know what you need in terms of invitations. I would let a couple people know, in a clear and open and casual way, that when you get last minute invitations, you sometimes can’t attend events. And just leave it at that. You’ve told them what’s up, not so that they change their behaviors but so that they understand why you don’t change yours.

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