(Closed) Red flags??

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
Post # 32
2255 posts
Buzzing bee

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I will be the one going through the deployments’


But you’re not. He has a family. Use each other as a support system. This isn’t a ‘them’ or ‘you’ situation. It’s about all of you being affected. And your husband, too. 


i am going to feel sad deep down when i see every other wife pinning their husband and i’m just sitting in the crowd like i am nobody….


You’ll be sitting in the crowd supporting him for his achievement. Is this ceremony about him or *you*?


Post # 33
199 posts
Blushing bee

your coming off selfish. This is his day, it makes more sense for his dad to pin it. It looks like an honor for the dad to pass the torch, plus his dad went through the same trials his son did and actually knows first hand what he has accomplished. It does not sound like they are doing it to snub you at all. 

Post # 34
5890 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

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@maryiteller:  I’m more worried about the other statements you are making–communication turns into fights!?! That doesn’t bode well for a marriage. Please get yourself into therapy, then him into couples counseling. I think you guys have a lot to work through before you get married. 

Post # 35
964 posts
Busy bee

There are other red flags that I am concerned about like how he just doesn’t seem to care about my feelings with this situation and speaks to me in a demeaning manner sometimes.

I’m kind of wondering if he might be getting exasperated with you for making mountains out of molehills because *engagement anniversary*.

If you insist on making every single moment heavy with hidden meaning and a testament to how much he loves/values/cherishes you, you will be disappointed. Repeatedly. Sometimes, moments are just moments. They don’t all have to be trumpets to the sky declaring his depth of feeling for you. Poor guy is most likely feeling as though there is nothing you would be satisfied with in terms of him *displaying* his love and devotion to you. Or to the world as the case may be.

You seem very caught up in wanting his every expression to confirm that you – and only you – are #1. Always. Without exception. Not cool. Because his parents should be number one sometimes too. Your kids will be number one often. Expressing love and devotion to other people does not automatically make you *less*. You need to be okay with him caring about people other than yourself. With him having loving relationships with people other than yourself. This is not a matter of a finite amount of something essential that needs to be divvied up. There’s enough of him to go around. And him expressing his love and gratitude to all the other important people in his life does not detract from you.

I think you’d do well to examine whether you have him jumping through prove-you-love-me hoops on a regular basis.

Post # 36
10363 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

You shouldn;t be giving up everything to be with someone. They should ADD to your life and make MORE things possible. It also sounds as though he doesn’t completely respect you. You should think long and hard on what you want a marriage to look like – the dynamics, how things would work logistically, etc. If he can’t match that, you should find someone who can.

Post # 38
2457 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

It sounds to me like you care more about YOU being noticed by people rather than him getting his wings. “Look at me, I’M the wife that’s going to suffer, I’M the reason why he’s getting through all of this.” I would try to be proud of his accomplishments, and realize that it’s a moment of pride for his father, too. 

Post # 39
9681 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

@maryiteller:  I will be honest that I know nothing about this “wing” idea. However, I do believe that a man you are going to marry should put you, your needs, and your feelings first. Every single time, not just when it is convenient.

Post # 40
2961 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Wynn Las Vegas

I’m sure he wants you to be happy, but he wants his father happy, also. The way he is telling you to settle everything with his father it seems like it might not be a big deal to him who puts the wings on. Otherwise he might want his dad to do it, but he doesn’t want to upset you. Don’t make the man feel guilty for wanting his dad to pin the wings on. It makes perfect sense that they both would find that sentimental.

Post # 41
133 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I’m a few days late to the game here but here’s my add…my Father-In-Law was recently named a Captain of the Fire Department, something he’s been working towards for 30 years. He had his parents pin him and it was really sweet. FIL’s father was also a firefighter and is the reason Father-In-Law became a firefighter.

My Father-In-Law and Mother-In-Law celebrated 30 years of marriage today. She’s been by his side through thick and thin, and the fact that she didn’t pin him doesn’t de-value her importance in the least bit. As an audience member I thought it was awesome that Father-In-Law had his dad pin him. Also, there were plenty of others being pinned by their parents with a spouse in the audience, and I didn’t think twice about it. If there are bigger issues at play here, you should talk to him about your feelings, but I don’t think him choosing his father is a snub towards you. 

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