(Closed) Reduced to tears – local vs destination vs family

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
942 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

You guys are just gona BOTH have to compromise. If you don’t want a budget wedding, then don’t have one. You’ll probably end up spending more money than you’d prefer to, but that’s because you don’t want paper plates. Either fork out for the ‘normal’ non-pot-luck wedding, or keep your pennies in your pocket and go the paper plates. I am helping a friend plan her wedding, and she also wants a $60000 wedding, that is only going to cost her $20000. You just need to find something that is a happy medium. IMO, if your fiancee doesn’t want a destination wedding, then it’s out of the question. We eloped to Greece because that’s what we both wanted. If my finacee said ‘no way, my parents have to be there’ then I would have planned something different. You’ll just have to find something you’re happy with that is not ferociously expensive and that his family can come along to. It can be done.

Destination is definitely not always the cheap option, espesh if you are paying for parents etc. In my experience, the cheapest is usually wedding packages that include excellent beverage packages in the price per head. For example, a wedding package for $150pp that includes EVERYTHING including alcohol (6+ hours worth), food, MC/DJ, decorations etc for 100 people ($15000) is going to work out alot cheaper than paying individually for all the vendors.

Post # 4
Member
7739 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@travelbugbee:  Why is destination cheaper? The only way I can understand destination being cheaper is because it has a smaller guest list. So why not have a local wedding with a small guest list?

Post # 6
Member
927 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Agree w/ Paula. Just have immediate family & friends at a small local wedding, then go on a fabulous honeymoon!

Post # 7
Member
1589 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

The only way anyone should have a destination wedding is if they are OK with the fact that anyone might turn them down. My sister almost didn’t go to my brothers and he was OK with that.

Post # 8
Member
1880 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I can tell you firsthand that destination isn’t always cheaper (we paid $25K for our destination wedding in Jamaica).  That said, it would have cost us double that to have a wedding back home (I’m not down with paper plates either lol).  You and your Fiance have to just sit down and decide what is most important to you both and figure out a compromise you could both work with (i.e. maybe a domestic destination wedding to a place your FI’s family is more familiar with and more affordable and doesn’t require passports).

Post # 9
Member
6256 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2014

If  any of FI’s family are farmers or ranchers, depending on the date of the wedding, yes, it would be asking too much for them to be away for nearly a week. Cattle have to be fed, crops have to be dealt with, newborn animals have to be attended to–having livestock isn’t like calling your neighbor and asking him if he would be willing to come feed your dog once a day while you’re out. If that’s their situation, I don’t think it’s unreasonable at all that they don’t want a Destination Wedding. Similar situation if they work in retail. A retail job generally will not let you have that sort of vacation request granted unless you’ve been there forever. I had enough trouble trying to get one day off whenever I worked retail!

 

I think your best bet might be to just throw the luxurious wedding you want close to home, and like PP suggested, keep the guest list small. Or, if you want to marry elsewhere, have a real elopement. But don’t put people who can’t or can’t  afford to travel in the situation of either scrambling to come up with the cash/help or having the guilt and sadness of not coming to support family. If you really want the day to be about just the two of you, then elope–but as soon as you invite a single person, it becomes about you and the guests, because you’re hosts now.

 

Post # 10
Member
1094 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I think the advice about having a small intimate local wedding and then a nice honey moon is great! 

 

I guess DW’s seem cheaper because everyone else has to scramble to afford to go.  I’ve never been able to attend a Destination Wedding because of $ and time off so to me, DW’s seem like elaborate honeymoons w/ only the lucky being able to go so i sort of feel where your Fiance is coming from.  Also, if doesn’t matter if he only sees his family once in a blue moon, if he wants them present for the wedding, than the two of you need to reach some sort of compromise.

Edited to add:

There’s a big range between potluck/paper plates and blowing the bank! 

Post # 11
Member
741 posts
Busy bee

 I am sort of confused. For 20k you can have more than paper plates. Or is it that you prefer to spend that money on a home and feel like you have to compromise the wedding for that gift? It’s a pretty nice gift!

How many people are you planning on inviting if it is local? What is it that you say you would not skimp on, or feel is important?

@paula1248:  +1

@EffieTrinket:  +1

Post # 12
Member
6743 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2014

Vancouver is really expensive, from what I’ve heard – probably like NY.

And I’m in the same shoes as you, sort of.  Fiance is willing to do whatever we want, but doesn’t think spending $15-20k on a wedding is “worth it” when we can spend 3 weeks on a honeymoon, or buy a home, or get new furniture, or install a pool, etc.  I see where he’s coming from, so I get it. 

And it’s my parents who don’t want me to have a destination wedding, I’m really not sure why – they think it’s going to cost everyone too much money, IDK. 

And destination weddings are cheaper because everything is REALLY cheap and you need very little decor, it’s not just the small guest list. 

Sorry, I don’t have much advice.  Just sympathy. 

Although, I think the rational person in me would say – do a very cheap, local $5k wedding with very few people, go on a nice honeymoon and do a vow renewal in 10 years when you have extra money.  I’m thinking that’s probably what I’m going to do. 

Post # 13
Member
7405 posts
Busy Beekeeper

Destination weddings maybe cheaper for the couple in comparsion to what they pay locally. However, if we are going to be honest, thats because the guests are now carrying a significant portion of the costs. 

OP I hope you find a workable solution for all parties.

Post # 14
Member
452 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

Farm folk are some of the classiest people I know. In my book, it’s decidedly UN-classy to put people down because of what they do.

I don’t see that you have much of a problem here. Destination weddings make sense for people who are OK with no or few attendees, but that isn’t the case here. People who have destination weddings, and then expect a lot of people to come, are just shunting the wedding costs off onto the guests – it may be cheaper for you, but it probably prohibitively expensive for most of them. Not a very thoughtful way to plan a wedding!

You’re being offered a large sum of money for your wedding, and your comment about paper plates is silly. Many of the brides here (check the threads on how much people spent) have created beautiful, memorable weddings for less than half that.

Post # 15
Member
765 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@paula1248:  Destinations are not necessarily smaller than local weddings. Some end up being huge. However, they’re often cheaper just because of venue costs (depending on what city you live in). I found out that getting married in Hawaii is $10,000 cheaper than getting married in Los Angeles. No joke. Some cities (ex. Los Angeles) are just EXPENSIVE places to get married. 

Post # 16
Member
765 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@bklynbridetobe:  Maybe…but it depends on the destination. For us, Hawaii is only $200/person roundtrip than Los Angeles (because of where people are traveling from). Hotels are about the same as Los Angeles…as are rental cars. So…it doesn’t add much for guests and it saves us $10,000. The cost of a CAR or a good chunk of a downpayment for a house. 

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