(Closed) Reducing Guest List after S-T-D’s?

posted 7 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 1
Member
404 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2016

Hey everyone,

My wedding has been nothing but one big dilemma after the other (mostly brought upon myself), and this current one is no exception.  Honestly, Italy sounds great right now.  Me in a white flowy dress, my Fiance in a handsome suit, standing on some hillside in Tuscany, reciting vows.  Anyway…back to reality…

Summary: Original wedding date — November 26th, 2011.  Recently decided to postpone for various reasons, but mainly to allow time to work through some issues we’d been having, to aptly plan for our future marriage and to focus on what’s most important in this planning process: our union (somewhere between linens and wrist corsages, we lost sight of the real reason for the season).  We’ve made INCREDIBLE progress and want nothing more to get married now after smoothing out our differences, making some compromises, planning our future.  Throughout this process of rebuilding, I personally made a big leap in my own life, and decided to go back to school in Spring 2012, which I’m really excited about… but it’s an expense that we ABSOLUTELY had NOT originally budgeted for previously when STD’s for the original date went out a year ago. 

We are currently working on re-setting a new date (not a small feat), and realized through this whole thing that we really just want a more intimate wedding, with IMMEDIATE family, and our bridal party.  Not JUST for financial reasons, but mainly because it’s just more of what we want, honestly.  We’ve learned a lot about ourselves and each other as a couple over the past few months, and an enormous wedding just isn’t on that list anymore.  We’ve reviewed the guest list, and limiting it to just immediate family and bridal party, it would cut the count from 182 to 88.

Friends and family have been incredibly supportive of our decision to postpone, so what I’m wondering is, what is the best way to handle setting a new date and working within these new budget constraints without having to promise our first born child to Rumplestilzkin in exchange for gold because we’re bankrupt/holding the wedding on some remote island on Christmas Day so as to discourage 50% of the guests to RSVP “yes” to reach a desirable head count?  (hahah bit of humor).  But seriously, if we reduce the original guest list, is there a way to do it without offending people?  We are changing our venue as well as the date — given our relationship, financial, and now spatial complications, would guests be sympathetic to our need and desire to have a more intimate wedding?  And how do you explain something like this?

How would you handle it if you were caught between a rock and a hard place?

Thanks so much, friends.  🙂

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Post # 3
Member
404 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2016

Bump?

Post # 4
Member
4336 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

summary: so basically you want to change the date of your wedding… after Save-The-Date Cards went out? and not invite everyone.

I have no idea. 

Anyone?

Post # 5
Member
13 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: January 2012

I say just take a few deep breaths, and call (don’t email) or better yet have a coffee date with every single person who cannot be invited to the “new” wedding, to explain your situation.  But write out a script and practice first, and stick to your guns… It will be hard, but don’t feel bad about it- it is your life, your money, and your prerogative! You can do it!  Anyone should undertand that a couple a: paying for their own wedding, and b: going back to school, cannot have an extravagant wedding.  I purposely picked a venue that cannot hold over 100 people and our families helped to spread the word that that is one reason we cannot make it a huge event.  Maybe you can do the same.  Also, our families are throwing a casual daytime BBQ a few months after our wedding to celebrate- maybe you can do something like that for the other 80-100 you had to leave off your “real” wedding.  True friends will understand and stand by you both, no matter what!!

Post # 6
Member
1145 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

@tuscanbride: So when are you getting married? Have you told everyone who saved this nov that there wont be a wedding?

I would just send a tasteful card to the entire guest list and tell them you have postponed the wedding. Until you set a date and are prepared to stick to it I wouldn’t send anything out after that note.

Post # 7
Member
328 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

wow, at first I was going to say this is super-bad form, but after listening to all your good reasons, I can say it’s a lot more reasonable.

I had a coworker who sent out Save-The-Date Cards to everyone on his original guest list…all 400. Then, they changed venues halfway through planning and couldn’t handle the capacity. There were a lot of people who got Save-The-Date Cards who didn’t get invitations and they were pissed!! Especially since a lot are from work and we see each other every day.

In any event, I agree with PP that sitting each person down (and if they’re long distance, with a phone call) explaining the situation. Maybe after you settle in to school you could have an informal gathering of people who weren’t invited to the wedding and just have a party. No need for gifts, maybe just dinner with everyone to celebrate the good news. If my friend came to me with that, I would be okay with it. I also think announcing changes slowly is a good idea, since it seems like a lot of things are up in the air and don’t need to broadcast to 200 people every time there is a change.

Post # 8
Member
2125 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I think it’s going to be bad form. 

 

I once recieved an STD and later the date had to be moved otu because the brides grandmother passed away…had she not sent me an invite for her rescheduled wedding, I would have noticed and I would have felt like a D list friend.

 

Sorry, I think once STD’s go out, regardless….your kinda stuck. I think you should hold off on making an decsisions and see what concessions can be made so that you can afford your original guestlist.

Post # 9
Member
404 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2016

Very good ideas, everyone.  Thanks for the suggestions and support.  And yes, we have already let each one of our guests know about the postponement individually, either in person or on the phone. 

I think you’re all absolutely right about sticking to original guest list; I too felt that is probably the best thing to do as well, but I just thought maybe there was a different perspective I wasn’t seeing.  Oftentimes, brides offer up advice or solutions on this board that are so resourceful, suggestions that I never would have thought of, and that’s why I value this blog.  It allows you to honestly come forward with a tough situation and get multiple opinions on the issue.  Sometimes, if you’re lucky, a bride will come forward who had a similar experience from which they can offer personal advice.

I’m sorry if this post offended anyone in any way, and I appreciate all of the responses.  I’m just coming out of a really complicated time, and needed to talk it out on here.  You all have been helpful in allowing me to see the best solution.

 

Thank you.

 

Post # 10
Member
2106 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Another bride dealt with a similar issue here: http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/our-wedding-was-postponed-now-we-want-to-simplify

Personally, if I were in your place I would postpone the wedding until I could afford the original guest list and perhaps remove a few +1’s for single people.  I’d also pare down extras and expenses.  Waiting longer would also mean more time to be absolutely sure that relationship problems are dealt with properly.

Post # 11
Member
1340 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2012
Post # 12
Member
3799 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I don’t know how you would get away with this without making a lot of people upset.

I would try to remove some plus ones and if you HAVE to pare down the list anymore than that, meet with those people in person and tell them that because of the venue location you cannot have over a certain amount and tell them you don’t have room for people beyond immediate family…

Good luck…I don’t envy you on this. Who knows, maybe lots of people cant make the new date anyway. Do you have a new date/location?

Post # 13
Member
3102 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

i think you and Fiance should have the exact wedding you want. i think you can explain that due to a variety of factors, the wedding has been reduced in size and includes only family. you may even want to indicate that budget had a big part of it somehow- no one can argue with a lack of cash!

maybe you have have a celebratory (inexpensive- pizza, bbq?) event in the summer?

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