Referred to as in laws

posted 2 years ago in Family
Post # 16
Member
13606 posts
Honey Beekeeper

Words do mean something so from that POV I think it’s incorrect and misleading. 

Post # 17
Member
705 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: City, State

I refer to my brothers fiancé as my sister in law, they’ve been together 10 years and have 2 beautiful boys. I wouldn’t call her anything other than family. Legally or not. 

I call my fiancé’s parents either future in laws or his parents, but that’s because they are more traditional than me and I respect that. Sometimes when I’m just talking about them at work or something, I’ll say in laws just because it’s a technicality really, we are engaged so the wedding will happen, and they will be my in-laws soon anyway

Post # 18
Member
380 posts
Helper bee

Nope, doesn’t bother me. My boyfriend’s mom calls me daughter in law and in cards and stuff I usually call her mom (everyone calls her by her nickname in real life, even her kids, so it’d be weird if I called her mom in person lol)

I think it’s just an affection thing.

Post # 19
Member
1711 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

It bothers me. Partly because from a legal stance things like that could support a claim of common law marriage in my area and if that isn’t what they want, then they probably shouldn’t risk it.

But also because my exhusband’s gf used to call herself my kids step parent when they were just dating. It is an incorrect title that makes others think you have legal rights that you don’t have.

If you want the title and rights then marry already. 

Post # 20
Member
1144 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: February 2018 - UK

It doesn’t bother me as long as the family members involved are on board. The man I refer to as my dad isn’t actually my real father, but I still call him that. It’s a reference to the fact that he fills a role in my life, regardless of the legal status.

I understand why there may be confusion if there are legal proceedings going on, or if kids are involved, but I think in most cases it’s just affectionate.

Post # 21
Member
291 posts
Helper bee

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soexcited123 :  Once you are in a long term relationship with an understanding you plan to get married or are already engaged then its common to start thinking of and referring to their SO family as their inlaws. If they got along well then they likely already feel like family. Idk why someone else’s situation should or would bother others. 

Post # 22
Member
9831 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

It wouldn’t annoy me per say but I’d probably be confused and asking when they eloped…

Post # 23
Member
393 posts
Helper bee

I do this sometimes, usually with strangers and usually when my actual relationship to the person is long or clunky.

I have a boyfriend, who has a brother, who has a girlfriend. Instead of saying “my boyfriend’s brother’s girlfriend” I will sometimes just say “my SIL”. It’s easier to say and the random person I’m talking to doesn’t care about the particulars of the relationship enough to justify making the distinction.

I can see how this could annoy people especially if you are referring to your SO as your husband/hubby when you’re not married.

Post # 24
Member
9057 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

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soexcited123 :  doesn’t bother me one bit. Then again my daughter calls my best friends and their husbands auntie/uncle, I call their children my nieces/nephews, and my husband’s former nanny introduces us as her son/dil/granddaughter. We tend to use familial terms more in line with how we feel about people and less what’s technical. 

Post # 25
Member
3467 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

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soexcited123 :  It doesn’t *bother* me, per se. But I definitely notice the inaccuracy. Something can’t be “in-law” if there’s no legality. My husband’s brother’s live-in girlfriend made a social media post recently referencing her sister in law. I was interested to see the picture, assuming it was the wife of one of her brothers I hadn’t met. Come to find out, she was talking about me, lol. It has never occurred to me to refer to her as my SIL, though. I like her fine, respect and acknowledge their relationship and all that. But if I have to refer to her as other than her name, I’d say my “BIL’s girlfriend” or “my nephew’s mother.”

Post # 26
Member
2700 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

I know that I’m pretty legalistic in how I think of things. Definitely a lawful good type. So, I mighty side eye it, especially if the couple is just dating. I know it’s not quite the same, but what if someone who got a pre-med degree and never actually finished med school or spent a long time in med school and was eventually planning to finish, referred to themself as a doctor? Or a degreed teacher who took the test but never did the paperwork to become a certified teacher referred to themselves as a certified teacher? It wouldn’t fly on job applications, because they don’t actually have the title they’re claiming. Unless you’re married, you’re not a wife or husband. I don’t see the need to pretend. Words have meaning.

So that’s my reasoning. However, I’m also not big on interference. If someone asks me my opinion, I’ll give it. But I’d never lose sleep over someone else’s choices that don’t affect me, nor would I offer an unsolicited opinion on it. 

Post # 27
Member
3149 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2021

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TwilightRarity :  haha that’s too funny! My parents have been referring to themselves as my Faince’s “outlaws” since before we were engaged lol

Post # 28
Member
3149 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2021

It doesn’t annoy me if it is a couple that I genuinely view as permanent. However, I have to admit that when my brother used to refer to his ex has his “wife” it annoyed me. Mostly because he had bought a ring and proposed to her multiple times, but she kept making him do it over again because it wasn’t good enough, and she was just a big steaming pile of shit in general and I hated her.

It also annoys me when people who are merely dating call their SO “the wife”, etc (I find it’s almost exclusively men who do this..). That’s not your wife, that’s you’re Girlfriend. It mostly annoys me in this context because it’s generally used in a somewhat derogatory manner, such as when they’re blaming said Girlfriend / using her as an excuse for not being able to go out or whatever.

When it’s a couple that is firmly established, lives together, and are planning their lives under the assumption that their future is a shared one ten, twenty years down the line? I have no issue with them calling each other wife/husband or their familys in-laws. Even if they don’t officially marry, they’re living their lives as a married couple.

That said, even though I do essentially consider him my husband, and did before he even gave me a ring, I will not call my fiance husband until after the wedding and will continue referring to his family as the Future In-Laws until then as well.

Post # 29
Member
4951 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

It wouldn’t bother me necessarily, but like some PPs, I’d be confused and wondering when they eloped. If they’re engaged, I totally get it, as things like “future father-in-law” are kind of a mouthful. 

Post # 30
Member
237 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

View original reply
mepayne :  The subject of the OP doesn’t bother me at all, but they could easily say “fiance’s father” and avoid the confusion/mouthful.

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