(Closed) Refusing $$$ Help. What would you do?

posted 6 years ago in Money
Post # 3
Member
5073 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2012

@maganda:    “thank you so much for your generous offer but we’re fine doing this on our own”

then change the subject

repeat as necessary

Post # 4
Member
705 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 1993

“We really appreciate your generosity and interest in our wedding, however we must respectfully decline as we really want to do this on our own”

Post # 5
Member
45 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: December 2012

Say you would be happy to accept it towards your honeymoon, but you’ve covered the wedding already.

Post # 6
Member
7520 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

Do not cash the check.

Post # 7
Member
134 posts
Blushing bee

My suggestion would be to meet with this person and to say “we really appreciate that you want to help us out financially. however, this is OUR wedding and we’ve planned to pay for it all ourselves so that we may have our wedding the way we want it. The only way we feel good about accepting your contribution, is if it comes as a gift with no strings and no expectations of control over how we choose to spend it.  If that’s not in line with your wishes, then we would rather you keep your money as it’s not worth the hurt feelings that will ensue.”

She may back out right then & there.  But if she agrees to your terms and gifts it to you freely, then I would accept it graciously and deposit it in a separate bank account.  Then, continue on with your wedding planning (not using the money yet) and wait a few months to see if she starts with the guilt tripping & trying to control things . If she does, then write her a cheque back for the amount of her gift and call her out on it “We don’t accept gifts with strings, so here’s your money back”.   On the slim chance that she does relinquish control of the cash freely, then save it as a last-minute contingency plan (or for your honeymoon) and send a lovely thank you note. 

Post # 8
Member
1252 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

If she truly wants to help in some way, perhaps she can contribute toward a specific wedding item – something that you don’t feel strongly about.  If there is anything that you would be comfortable relinquishing control on maybe just tell her “we have most of the wedding taken care of, but if you would like to contribute toward the [photobooth/videographer/open bar/out-of-town bags/lighting/etc] we would be so grateful”…  That way she can contribute to your wedding and have her say in that one particular aspect, without asserting control over the entire wedding.

I host a lot of parties and I find that when well-meaning friends & family really want to help, the best thing to do is assign them something that I don’t believe they can screw-up 🙂

Post # 9
Member
6123 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

I wonder if there is a way to get her to contribute this $$ AFTER the wedding asin a wedding gift!

You could say, “Oh thank you, but we have everyting book/paid/etc already for the wedding ourselves, but that would be a generous wedding gift!”

 

 

Post # 11
Member
83 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

@reebee:  I think this is a great idea.  Either say no and stick to your guns until she accepts it, or go this route.  Find something that you don’t care much about, or that you’ve already decided on and say you can pay for that.  For instance, I’ve already decided that THIS is the dress I want, if you would like to buy it then I would really appreciate it.  That way she’s just paying for the decision you’ve already made. 

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