(Closed) Refusing to invite my Dad’s crass friend

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
1652 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

This is a terrible and sad situation.  To be honest, when I read this I couldn’t even believe it was true because it’s so awful.  But assuming the situation is exactly as you have presented it (that this man has made these kinds of remarks to you and your dad is aware of at least one of them), my solution, personally, would be that if my dad actually stuck up for a guy like this who had said vulgar things to me, then I’d be asking my dad not to come to my wedding either.

You’re going to need to tell your dad exactly why you can’t have this guy around.  It may be really embarrassing, but he needs to know it’s a hell of a lot different than “Joe’s just not my cup of tea.”  Are you 100% sure he’s aware of the remark Joe made when you were 16?  Maybe you’re right and your dad will be dismissive because he’s in denial about his buddy or whatever other issues your dad may have, but you’ll never know until you actually confront him with this information.  I don’t think the situation can be resolved without bringing these issues to the forefront (unless your dad is not contributing to the wedding, in which case he really has no say over the guest list anyway, so just don’t send the guy an invitation).

Post # 4
Member
201 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2012

I completely understand and agree with you not wanting Joe at your wedding. And to be completely honest, I’m a bit disappointed that your dad would even let Joe get away with making those inappropriate comments. Definitely have a talk with your dad (on the phone if possible) and let him know how you feel. If you don’t feel comfortable getting into the details of the exact comments that were made about you getting in the hotub with him, just say that Joe has been inapproriate with you in the past, but you don’t want to get into the details. If your dad tries to dismiss how you feel, just tell him that even if he feels that the comments were just a joke or whatever, it was a big deal to you as a teenager and continues to make you feel uneasy as an adult. And remember, it’s your wedding. Even if your parents are helping your pay for it, it’s about you and your husband making a commitment to each other. And your parents’ financial support should be toward making it possible for you to share this celebration with people you love.

Post # 5
Member
241 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

{hugs} I’m so sorry you’re in the jam! First and foremost I would pray about it. Just ask for the courage and words to tell your dad exactly how you feel. There is no reason he shouldn’t be made aware of it, and to be honest I don’t understand why you didn’t tell him sooner. I’m sure if your dad knew sooner he wouldn’t have ever late a man like that around you again.

Like @Melanie11 suggested perhaps your dad didn’t hear what Joe said to you. I know I’ve been in sitiutation that due to the surrounds I wasn’t as observant as I usually am. Either way it goes if you don’t feel comfortable inviting this man, then don’t. It’s YOUR day. It may be proper ettiqute to leave space open on your guest list for your parents friends, but you don’t have to do anything you aren’t comfortable with. Praying for strength for you. 🙂

Post # 7
Member
5096 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

Your dad has no right to insist that someone who sexually harrassed you be invited to your wedding. Tell him exactly what Joe said – and if it’s easier, put it in writing.

And I just want to be clear – I completely understand why it was/is difficult for you to talk to your dad about this. If nothing else, the fear of not being believed or taken seriously is a powerful inhibitor. But you need to protect yourself.  If your dad still insists that he be invited after being told all of this, he is being cruel and unreasonable (or in deep denial).

Post # 8
Member
1755 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

I’m so sorry!  Both that your father is pressing to include such an awful person and that you had someone behave so abominably towards you!  My advice is to email your father about your reasons if it’s too hard to talk about, perhaps even simply copy and paste from what you’ve posted here so you don’t have to relive the memory while writing.  No one should have to deal with someone so horribly disgusting on any day, let alone their wedding day!!! 🙁

Post # 9
Member
1626 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Your dad can insist and fight all he wants but in all reality it is YOU who sends out the invitation. I would never even consider inviting someone who said such sick (yes sick because you were so young) things to me and if my father or mother or anyone pushed the issue I would simply say “If you want to hang out with them that day, then do that instead of come to my wedding.” Maybe I’m harsh but I have been assaulted by more than one person who just made “casual comments” to start. DO NOT give in on this. Anyone who makes you feel the way he does and who says the things he does has no business being in the same room as you let alone at your wedding.

The thing I’m worried about is your father may send him a verbal invite anyway. Make sure there is someone there to escort him out if he shows up anyway because your dad may or may not tell him later (or has already told him) its ok.

Post # 10
Member
2398 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

*HUGS*

You have every right to insist that this horrible, disgusting man not be invited to your wedding.  What he said to you was absolutely harassment, and far beyond “crass” or “gauche.” 

If you think it will be easier, by all means send your dad an e-mail rather than calling. 

Does your Fiance know about this situation?

Post # 11
Member
1398 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I am so sorry for what you are going through. You really need to tell your dad everything that his “friend” has said to you in the past. You might start with “I don’t know if you remember this, but one time Joe said “–“. Well, thats not the only time he has said things like that–” Then go into detail about everything he has said or done to make you feel uncomfortable. Whether your dad wants to admit it or not, his friend is a predator, and even though you are an adult now, there isn’t anything stopping him from saying things like that to any under-age girls at your wedding. Tell him you do not want to deal with the stress of having to keep an eye on this guy on your wedding day. If that does not work, call Joe’s wife and tell her exactly why Joe is not invited. I think in this case, you are allowed to play hardball. I wish you luck. 

Post # 12
Member
274 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

I agree with writing an email.  You can organize your thoughts and tell your dad everything you want to say without being interrupted.  Hopefully it will give some time to let it sink in how important this is to you.  You have a right to voice your uneasiness about this stupid jerk.

Post # 13
Member
762 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

OMG, my skin was crawling while reading the remarks he made. I am so sorry you had to go through that. It’s not only sexual harrassment, but in a way he seems like some kind of sexual predator. You should NOT and I repeat NOT have to deal with someone like that ever, and especially at your own wedding. Bottom line, you need to put aside your nerves and have a discussion with your father and explain in detail the reasons why you do not want to invite him. My question to you is, does your mother ot Fiance know about this? Would they be able or willing to be there to support you when you decide to talk to him. Also, I undertand that he is your dad’s friend, but you are his daughter, and you come first, and the idea that your dad will be dissmissive about the remarks is absurd because again, you are his daughter no matter what. I am also having a hard time swallowing the fact that your father is still friends with this man, given that you are not the only person who does not like him, and your dad knows this as well. You don’t deserve to be treated and talked to that way. It’s disgusting, and he should not be able to get away with it. Once you stand up for yourself in what you believe is right, you will feel so much better. Sending you lots of hugs. Best of luck, and keep us posted.

Post # 14
Member
1638 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@JumpingJacks:

Explain to your dad the reasons why. If you dad is still hurt, tell him ‘tough’, the man is not coming and if he does you will have the groomsmen escort him out of the property. If you dad gets upset, he does not have your best interest at heart and you can kindly tell him he supports a sexual predator

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