(Closed) Refusing to invite sibling – sex abuse related (trigger warning + long)

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
217 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

I’m not sure what advice to give you related telling your mother he isn’t invited without explicitly stating why, but I believe you definitely have the right to refuse to invite your abuser to your wedding, regardless of familial ties. Many women worry about telling parents that a family member has abused them due to fear they will not believe them. Have you considered telling your mother about the abuse during a family therapy session?

Post # 4
7960 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2012

@unhappybridetobe:  i’m sorry that you’ve had to deal with this.  i have not had to go through this myself but i just thought that maybe telling your mother that you only want people at the wedding that you are close to and that you are not close to your brother.  therefore, he will not be invited.  period.

i would keep the wedding incredibly small and intimate.  good luck with everything.

Post # 5
1797 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Yes my adopted brother is NOT invited.  I also have moved past much of the pain…we even facebook every so often.  He is similar in that he doesn’t mention it, thought he admits to being a horrible brother and asking for my forgiveness.  I told him he could have that but my trust was something else.  I was pretty clear about my boundaries.  He replied that it hurt to hear how much pain I was in and how angry I was with him but that he’d try really hard to earn my trust back.

We had years where I’d visit my adopted mom and she’d forced my adopted brother into a situation even though she knew very well that there were at least allegations.  Even if she didn’t believe them.  They had been put out into the world and she still pushed.  Eventually I did as you have and cut them all out.  They were toxic for me.

It sounds like the stuff you’re saying about not wanting to tell people or your parents might mean you haven’t fully faced this stuff.  I’m pretty open about it but trust me for years it was like spitting vinegar to even get one word out.  As a teen I went a year without speaking.  I was so weird 🙂

Maybe the counselor is the best person to seek advice or to come up with a solid plan with.  But to answer your questions yes I have been there.  And reading your post was helpful to me because it does often feel like the craziness of weddings is enough to handle and no one seems to understand that some of us have a whole lot of baggage to plan around as well!

Good luck!

Post # 6
424 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I’m so sorry that you went through that. I think that the PPs advice is good — ‘we just want people who we’re close with, and I’m not close to my brother.’ Hopefully your mom will understand. If she doesn’t, perhaps you can pull the “it’s my wedding” card and just tell her that it’s a non-negotiable. 

Post # 7
2811 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2004

@unhappybridetobe:  I am sorry that you are having to deal with this.  That being said, I believe you need to tell your family if for no other reason than to protect other children in the extended family.  There is a child molester in my husband’s family and sadly the man was able to molest three children in the family before anyone communicated to the rest of the family what was going on.  Secondly, stand your ground about inviting him.  If someone knows what happened it will make your decisions make a lot more sense.

Post # 8
196 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

Ugh I am so terribly sorry that this happened to you. I’m really glad that you’re getting therapy and your Fiance knows about the situation (even without specifics) and supports you.

Maybe if your mom doesn’t buy the whole “we aren’t close” line you can be more direct with her about your lack of relationship with him but without telling why. Something like sitting down with her face to face, telling her you need to discuss something important and you hope she understands and won’t ask any questions, but that you cannot have your brother at the wedding and that’s final.

It certainly depends on your relationship with her, but maybe a more direct, strong approach will get her to back off.

Best of luck!

Post # 9
185 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

If I were in your position everytime your mother asks you to invite him just simply say “no” don’t elaborate or go further. If you just keep repeating “no” chances are your mum will take the hint and drop it.

Post # 10
22 posts
  • Wedding: October 2013

I’ve never been in this particular situation, but I have been in the position of having serious issues with my brother that I felt like I had to keep from my parents. It also doesn’t help that oftentimes parents think they know the ins and outs of the sibling relationship between their children. If it were me, I might just say something along the lines of “I know you think he should be there, but my wedding is about my husband and me and the people we’re close to. I don’t have a relationship with my brother for various reasons that I’d rather not rehash. It’s important to me that the day I start my life with my new husband is a purely positive one.”

I really hope this works out for you. 

Post # 11
629 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I like the advise you’ve been given about only inviting people your close to. Abruptly end the conversations about it, the less said the better. You could also send your bro a message that he should refuse the invite but your sending one to protect your parents, he should too. A last resort with your Fi’s permission say Fi has private issues with brother and they are private. The anger will go to him but I’m guessing he’s willing to shoulder it. Telling your parents is tricky. I personally couldn’t tell mine as it would hurt them more than I believe they could handle. But that’s a personal thing. Good luck and I truly hope all goes well for you 🙂

Post # 12
1860 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I’m so sorry this happened to you. =(

Post # 14
539 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I understand why you are not telling anyone and why you don’t want him there. I would say you should send him an email saying that you have not invited him due to cutting him out of your life due to the abuse but with his other mental issues I worry he might talk to your mom and try to pin it back on you. I hope you can stay strong and let your mom know that it is a No. That you love her and that you understand she may be hurt to see her kids not all that close but that you have good reason and you would appreciate her not pushing into any further. Good luck

Post # 15
110 posts
Blushing bee

This might be a bad idea, but I am going to throw it out there for you to consider anyway.  What about somehow communicating to your brother (maybe your Fiance could send him an email or something?) that he should tell your mom you invited him to your wedding but he can’t make it.

You sound like a strong woman! Hold your ground.  You have every right to feel safe and happy on your day…and everyday for that matter!

Post # 16
1098 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@unhappybridetobe:  I am all for not inviting your brother. However PLEASE make sure your mother does not try to pay his way to come!! I can just see somthing like that happening.

Is there a way you can let him know that he is NOT invited??

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