(Closed) Refusing to invite sibling – sex abuse related (trigger warning + long)

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 17
260 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

Someone should definitely know the abuse happened. Even if no one in your family is young enough to be affected, he can easily come into contact with ANY child at any point in his life. You have no way of knowing how close he could be to interacting with potential victims, as you live far away and probably don’t know his day-to-day commute, interactions, activities, etc. How many others could he have possibly abused at the same time as you, or after you? Silence is what enables the abuse to go on for years, and also what allows the predator to keep finding new victims.

I can’t at all act like I know the emotional toll it would take on you to tell your mom/family what he did to you…I can only imagine how hard it would be. But at the very least, your Fiance should know for sure (basing this on your comment that Fiance doesnt explicitly know it was your brother). Your Fiance is the one person that should know, so he has the knowledge and tools to protect you forever. Even if your brother can’t physically abuse you anymore, victims are always emotionally vulnerable, especially if the abuse was a complete secret.

Regarding the wedding, you have no obligation to invite him. Either you tell your mom, “no and that’s the end of it,” or you give her the real reason why so she can move on as well.

Good luck with everything.

Post # 18
582 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

We are going through something similar….

My Fiance was molested as a boy by his adopted brother’s adopted son, needless to say it has put a strain on his relationship with his adopted brother and his son. We did not go to his brother’s wedding and we’ll not be inviting him to our wedding and he has no contact with his brother’s son. 

From the outside the family and the brother think we are bigots (Because he is gay and got married to his lover and we didn’t go for different reasons but no one knows.) and my FI’s adopted brother has grown to really hate my Fiance, no one knows what his son did to my Fiance, I am the only one who knows and he never wants to talk about it again.

I would keep putting your foot down, keep strong and keep telling her again, and again and again (if need be) and keep saying no. She does not need to know, no one needs to know unless you feel comfortable talking about it, but since you don’t then just keep telling her no. She doesn’t need an explaination. You’re doing good so far!

Post # 20
82 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

I am so sorry you have to struggle through this. I know where you are coming from. For 9 years I was molested by my mom’s then husband. My Fiance was the first person I told face-to-face. He got me to a psychologist, and helped give me the strength to get out of the situation.

I didn’t want to tell because I knew how much it would hurt my mom and for years this man was like a father to me. When I finally did, it hurt her deeply. She felt anger towards both of us: me for running away (I moved to the other side of the country) and him for being the abuser. The damage done to our relationship has healed slightly, but not entirely. It’s been 5 years.

She did ask if I was telling the truth and she did ask me to come home for family counselling with ‘him’. So we could repair our family…I never went back. I refuse to see him again. She left him 3 years ago.

I understand that other Bees feel you should protect other young girls in your family. If you truly do not feel any girls are at risk, it is your choice to keep this in.

I would tell your mother firmly that he is not invited. That you want the event to be very intimate and that you just don’t want him there. Tell her it’s your wedding and to respect your wishes…or something like that.

Post # 21
2639 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2012 - Baltimore Museum of Industry

I think you may need to just put your foot down next time she brings it up. “Mom, I know you would like for your children to get along better than you do with your siblings, but that’s not the case. We’re not close, so he’s not getting a wedding invite. We’re not going to have this discussion again. I need you to respect me and stop bringing this up.” 

Post # 22
179 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

I feel as though if you did invite him, your mother would pay his way. So avoid that. Stand your ground. If you aren’t prepared to speak of what happened..you don’t ever have to. However, remember that this is your day (& FIs). Tell your mom EVERYTIME she brings it up…that you are inviting only people you feel that have love for you both…being a sibling does not mean he has to be invited. END OF STORY. Tell her EVERYTIME. DO NOT give in.

I dont care if Mom was paying for the wedding itself. 

Post # 23
110 posts
Blushing bee

@unhappybridetobe:  Your entire last post says it all.  You know what you want and you know what you don’t want.  You are putting your emotional/psychological health ahead of what other people think is best.  You have a wonderful Fiance who understands the situation as much as he needs to and will stand up for you if needed.  Sounds like you are set!  Keep telling your mom no and keep taking care of yourself! You’ve obviously put a lot of time and energy into healing yourself into the strong woman you are today. Enjoy your wedding!

Post # 24
1075 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

My brother tried to molest me when I was 5 years old I ran out the room and told my mother.  I cut my brother off once I could control my enviroment. This has been 25 years now. The family knows how I feel about him and he knows how I feel. He was never around my daugthers and as far as I am concern he does not exist. I like you have had counseling to heal myself but you have to do what is best for you mentally. I know it is important to your mother but you cannot reverse the hard work you have put into yourself to be well rounded and stable.

Post # 25
2343 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@unhappybridetobe:  My heart just aches for you. I can’t and don’t want to imagine what you’ve been through and what you’ve been dealing with, but I did want to extend my sympathy and support. You have every right and more not to invite him, and if your mother were aware of the situation, I’m sure she’d agree. You also have every right NOT to tell anyone. I think one of the PP had it right about just saying “no” repeatedly, and not getting into it any further and closing the line of inquiry right at the start. Eventually your mom will tire of pushing the issue and will drop it. If you do ever decide you need to disclose the truth to her, she’ll think back to this time and understand. What a great guy your Fiance seems to be! Congratulations on your upcoming wedding! Good luck with everything!

Post # 26
183 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

@unhappybridetobe:  Oh goodness, I am sorry that happened to you. 

My situation was a little different. When I was about 16 I told my cousin, who helped me tell my dad, that I no longer wanted to go to my other cousins’ for the usual family holiday parties because someone in that family had been abusing me for years.

I know this may not be what you want to hear, but I think that if I had not given a specific reason for not wanting to go there anymore, my dad would have probably ignored it. Some people in the family would not stop asking me details about why I became estranged from that part of the family, for some reason people need to know everything and I finally told them what happened to me and that pretty much shut them up. 

Do what you need to do. It’s sad, I know that because you share a mother that the revelation could break her heart, and honestly she might not believe you. Neither choice will be easy for you, so just do what feels more right. Either way you are a survivor. 

From having been abused from preschool age to my teens like you were, I know it is so hard to not feel indebted to your family. I know you don’t want to ruin whatever picture-perfect perceptions people might have, especially your parents. For me, when I see anyone from the family I don’t talk to anymore we both ignore each other. They hate me and think I’m a liar. It’s like I was never their other sister, never grew up around them and all that. To have to experience the abuse and the idea of estrangement, and then for the estrangement to actually happen is so heartbreaking. I think that no matter what you do you will naturally feel heartbroken whether you keep it to yourself or talk about what happened to you. But I will say that I don’t regret telling my family what happened. Now I know who actually had my back and obviously from being abused if someone told me someone in my family was abusing them I would listen to them because it can happen to anyone and so many people are good at faking being normal, nice people. I’ve cried over the loss of my relatives so many times, have had so many nightmares and depressive episodes over it, but I believe I am stronger and better without such people. 

I truly wish you the best on your journey to recovery. It can be done. 

Post # 27
205 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Please stick to your guns and put your own happiness first on this most special day. I also have an abusive brother (not sexually but physically and emotionally). I was a bit of a coward for my wedding – in order to avoid inviting him I told my entire family except my sister that I was eloping, and we kept the guest list to only the most important people in our lives. I was sad about it sometimes but ultimately was peaceful with my decision and our wedding was amazing.  I hope yours is the same!

Post # 28
3615 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@blueskies7:  I’m so glad I read your post, I almost wrote the same thing…but you worded it better than I ever could!

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