(Closed) Refusing to wear a fake smile…

posted 6 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
Member
1798 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I didn’t invite my father or his family and never thought twice about it. IMO being related to me does not give anyone a license to treat me like crap.

Post # 4
Member
520 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

I agree with her. I almost didn’t invite some very toxic family members who have struggled with me my entire life. I was worried about the drama on my wedding day made by them, so no, I think that just because we are related does not entitle you to be invited to my wedding…especially if I’m paying. 

Post # 5
Member
451 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

I don’t think you should have to invite anyone you don’t want there. It’s a very special day in your life, and there’s no reason that naysayers should be there if it’s not going to make you happy. My father has been very adament that I invite who I want- and that I don’t have to feel bad for not inviting anyone, it’s mine and my FI’s wedding and our day… not just a place for people to come and spout negative things / get a free meal and some booze.

I also don’t think you have to “tell” them not to come. You just don’t send out an invite. I know it gets tricky with super close family, and if they were to start RSVPing anyway- I would just tell them that although we appreciate their willingness to come and enjoy our day (although I know they wouldnt be there for the right reasons…) that Fiance and I thought long and hard about who we wanted and it just wasn’t in the cards for them to be there. Although, I’m a firm believer in that I should never have to explain myself to anyone.

Post # 6
Member
5118 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I agree with PPs, my father and many of his relatives are not invited. And a couple of them that I’d like to invite but have concerns about sharing info with him were all contacted beforehand to clarify that he’s not invited (they know why) and that if it makes them uncomfortable to not share info with him, we can send an announcement later. Others just didn’t get an invite.

I understand their relationship with him is one thing, but so is mine, and we can all be adults and respect that decision. I totally agree with @msfahrenheit:, being a relative does not make you mandatory.

Post # 7
Member
1542 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

This is tricky. Reading post about “toxic family members” and brides having to invite people they dont like I always answer: It’s your day why should you have someone you don’t want to at your wedding?.

However, when a family member didn’t invite the entire family to her wedding last year there was trouble, people was hurt and offended, yes she’s not the favorite family member but we come from an extremely family oriented culture and this was a slap in the face. Till today whenever I mention the situation people is surprised and shocked at her behaviour, but again it might be a cultural thing.

Post # 8
Member
196 posts
Blushing bee

Of my four families (adopted mother’s, adopted father’s, birthmother’s, birthfather’s), I am inviting only my brother from the adopted branches and only my birthfather from his branch.  The rest are either toxic, extremely rude, or indifferent to me.  I’m inviting most of my guests from my birthmother’s family.  If I invited the others and assigned handlers, every handler would have to be managing 3 or 4 people who I never wanted there in the first place.  I don’t think the poster is telling them not to come, but doing what I am doing – simply not inviting them.  In my case, that probably won’t cause issues, because none of them even know I’m getting married.  (I haven’t spoken to my adopted mother in over 25 years, and my adopted father died when I was a child.)

Post # 9
Member
2750 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I agree with the article.  This is why we had a destination wedding. =)

Post # 10
Member
27 posts
Newbee

I don’t speak to 99.9% of my family. My mother passed away when I was young and I don’t talk to my father, grandparents (3 are living), or even my great grandmother. I have a relationship with an aunt and uncle and talk my siblings briefly via text every few months. I’m friends on fb with some cousins, but I have them hidden and we don’t interact.  I’m less anxious and happier now that I don’t worry about them.

My family is very toxic, abusive, ignorant, and they only come around when they need money. They know nothing about me unless they hear it from someone else, guess it, or make it up. I can’t imagine having them around on any day of my life, let alone my wedding day. They’ll have to choose another time for a family reconcilliation/reunion.

Post # 11
Member
1212 posts
Bumble bee

Soooo agree with that article. I won’t be inviting pretty much my entire fathers side off the family including my father. Because they are mostly buttfaces reigned over by my father king buttface. No way in HELL do any of those ppl get an invite. Didnt think twice about it. Pretty sure my mom wanted to hi five me when I told her but considered a hi 5 to be too snarky, lol. It was a mental hi 5. I love my mom. Lol.

Post # 12
Member
804 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I think it can be okay to not invite “close” family in certain situations, but it’s tricky.  Where does that line get drawn?  Is Future Mother-In-Law so unhappy that she will show up dressed in clothes more appropriate for a funeral and keep declaring that her son’s life is now ruined (I have seen this happen)?  Will Future Sister-In-Law throw a tantrum and topple the wedding cake?  Or is that line drawn at an air of sober disapproval eminating from one guest?  Two guests?  Three or more?

Everyone’s going to have different opinions on where that line gets drawn.  If you can live with your decision and it won’t cause trouble between you and your Fiance, I say do what you need to do, but know that you’re risking relationships with other relatives and friends.  If I don’t invite my brother to my wedding, I can be sure that he won’t threaten violence in front of a bunch of kids but my parents will be heartbroken.  The rest of my family will understand (I have several family members who won’t come if he’s there), but my FI’s family certainly won’t and will think I’m a jerk for not inviting my brother.  It’s not something to be taken lightly and I think it’s flippant to say “It’s my day so I’m going to enjoy it,” without considering how it will affect all of your relationships.  A wedding isn’t the right place to make a reconciliation, but you also don’t want to use it as a tool in the other direction.

Post # 13
Member
875 posts
Busy bee

I think it’s a touchy issue, and I think that there’s a big difference between not inviting a family member you never see and have nothing to do with…and not inviting a family member who you see frequently within the context of a closely knit family.  In the case of a close knit family, you are going to need to have some people watching out for other guests and honestly should invite them…   It should never appear that you have disinvited an entire section of the family  (ie groom’s side or bride’s side unless the disfunctional reality of that part of the family is common knowledge…) 

Post # 14
Member
2494 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

My Future Father-In-Law and his wife (not my FMIL) and relatives are not invited. My Fiance and I barely thought twice about it.

 

Not worth having to hire security and have police on standby to have a man who hates us come to see the son he hates get married to the woman he hates.

 

Post # 15
Member
630 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

I agree with the article, but also know where you’re coming from. One person we had to invite was DH’s aunt, who used to cyberbully me under her daughter’s name. She showed up halfway through the reception, didn’t bring/send a gift or card or even sign the guestbook, and I just ignored her. She’s in pictures, unfortunately.

Post # 16
Member
6394 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2011

We had a person there that we didn’t really want (at all), but the worst they had ever done was be incredibly passive aggressive and rude and generally unpleasant and probably at times kind of mean. They still got invited, and that was the best decision. I can totally imagine scenarios where it’s best not to invite close family, but for the most part it’s probably better to just grin and bear it.

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