Post # 1
Here’s the back story:
I was engaged to be married last June. I called off the wedding 3 days before, so we had obviously had our wedding shower. We offered to return all the gifts that we could (most were gift cards that we had spent on our house). We didn’t get much by way of physical gifts because most people chose to give us money or gift cards. One gift was a GIANT HUGE painting that we did NOT register for and didn’t fit in at all with our decor that we ended up returning for cash (it was from his mother).
Basically, my point is that most everyone didn’t want their gifts back, and told us to keep them. When I moved out, we divvied up the gifts by who’s family/friend gave what.
Now that I am engaged to be married next July, I’m not sure if we should register again. I don’t know what our living situation will be, and obviously if we live together for a long time before we are married, we won’t need much (matching towels and linens would be nice though ) My mom has already said she won’t be hosting another shower, which is understandable I guess. I sort of feel bad for my FH, because he won’t get to experience the fun of registering and having a shower (unless someone in HIS family hosts one, which I doubt).
So, my question is, if we register again will that make me look greedy, since we ended up keeping the gifts from before? Or do you think enough time will have passed that people won’t see it that way? I guess I’m just unsure of the etiquette. I don’t want people to think I am EXPECTING gifts, but guests might be confused if we don’t register…
Post # 3
I think it’s fine to register. People will want to get you wedding gifts!
Post # 4
Is this a new guy or the one from the previous engagement? Yes, it will look greedy if it’s the old guy; if it’s the new guy, I don’t think so. You’re starting over with the new guy — why would you keep the stuff from the old relationship?
Post # 5
I agree with Rebecca — if it is your old guy you really shouldn’t re-register. If it is a new guy, go ahead! And, you might be surprised by his family or a mutual friend throwing you both a shower.
Post # 6
2 showers in 2 years for 2 different guys? Yikes! I can see why you are concerned. I don’t think 2 years is long enough for people to forget they previously got you gifts.
I agree with your mom that a shower wouldn’t be appropriate for all the friends and family who gave generous monetary gifts the first time around. However, people will certainly want to give you wedding gifts, so I think it would be appropriate to register with the new guy. If his side throws you a shower- great! If not, people will still like to have a registry to guide their wedding gift purchases.
Post # 7
Yes, yes, yes, it’s a new guy!!! I should’ve clarified that! Sorry…
So, IF someone in his family does throw us a shower, should I extend an invitation to people in MY family, and let them choose to come or not come?
Post # 8
the thing is, the first gifts should have been returned. this is why they say not to use the gifts beforehand. I am sure a lot of guests were slightly upset, as they gave you gifts for a wedding that didn’t happen. I am sure they feel bad, but you shouldn’t expect a second gift from them. I had a similar situation once (not myself). Someone got married, then a few years later got divorced. obviously she had the shower and got gifts then. Then she was getting remarried, and had another shower (the question of doing this again has also been discussed here)….two weeks before the wedding it was called off. She ended up returning the gifts. As a guest, I thought it was slightly annoying to have the second shower (lets face it – the guys do not care about showers, so it wasn’t for him), after we had already given the bride gifts at her first shower. A wedding gift is different. its like you only have a baby shower for the first baby? SO anyway – in my opinion, I would have been a little upset if my gift had not been returned, and then to ask me for another one a year later, would be more annoyed. Like you said, you don’t expect your mother/your family to throw you another shower. But if someone in his family does, I would invite only your close immediate family. His family may wonder why none of your family is showing if none of them go if they dont’ know the whole story. And make it clear to these family members that you don’t expect a gift from them, just to be there to support you. know what I mean? regardless, you should register for a few gifts, but let that be word of mouth…..people will still want to give you wedding gifts! a shower though is technically only a gift-giving event, and your guests shouldn’t have to do this twice.
Post # 9
As someone who doesn’t know you – I would say definitely do NOT have a shower (hosted by either side). Do register somewhere with your Fiance for wedding gifts, but do NOT put the registry info on your website, in the invites, anywhere. Just tell his mom, sister, etc. – his side of the family can bring you gifts, and then your family and friends don’t feel like it is expected if they don’t even know about the registry. Calling off a wedding only 3 days before – I’d love to hear that story. Wow! It takes a lot of courage to cancel a wedding. Most people (who want to cancel the wedding) don’t have that courage; they just go through with it and end up divorced in a year. Glad that things are better.
Post # 10
dreambml – i have to disagree a little, my FH is TOTALLY psyched about the prospect of a shower. I think SOME guys may not be really into the whole thing, but mine is.
Like I mentioned, we offered to return all the gifts and only my aunt and grandma who had purchased all of our china settings took us up on the offer. Everyone else kind of scoffed when we offered to return gifts, they were kind of offended that we suggested it.
Also, we didn’t use all of the gifts before the wedding. Most were still in their boxes. It was the gift cards we spent on home improvements that were used and we weren’t really sure how we would go about "returning" those to the person we received them from.
Obviously we aren’t going to go hog-wild and register for everything in the store, but neither of us have a nice set of pans, or linens or towels, things of that nature.
Post # 11
Well, of course your guests said you didn’t *have* to return the gifts. That is the polite thing to say – it’s probably what you would say in the same situation. You really should have returned them anyway, although that’s sort of water under the bridge.
I would go ahead and register – I assume that his family and friends didn’t also just spring for wedding gifts in the past year, so they should be in a shopping mood. I would just make sure to register for a number of lower price gifts, as a courtesy to your family and friends. Because if I was one of your friends, I would definately want to get you a present – to show my good wishes – but assuming that I spent a fair amount of money last time, I would probably get you something a little smaller this time around.
You’re right that (even though guys care less about this stuff) HE hasn’t been through this before, nor has his family. My Darling Husband was previously married, and to read some of these boards you would think that meant that I would have been out of line to register. However, MY family and friends have never had the chance to go crazy buying me wedding type gifts, and his previous wedding was really, really small – most of his extended family and friends weren’t invited – so if there was any snarkiness about how we shouldn’t want or need presents I certainly didn’t hear it.
Post # 12
My best friend was in this situation: here is how she handled it (and no one seemed to get upset)
Guy#1: I threw her a Wedding Shower instead of a Bridal Shower — lots of gifts and cash were received. When she called off the wedding, she tried to return the gifts and the cash, but everyone told her to keep it.
A year later — Guy #2: They decided not to have a wedding shower, and his side of the family threw her a bridal shower. They registered for Wedding Gifts, and used the same registry for the bridal shower. I asked her if she wanted me to throw her a shower and her response was "you already did". I personally bought her a gift anyway, but most people who had bought gifts for the first shower did not. Everyone still bought wedding presents for her and her new guy.
On another note — for the 2nd wedding she paid for our bridesmaid dresses because we all lost $$ on the first one.
This is the 2nd friend of mine that has done this — the other friend called off her wedding during the bridal shower!
Post # 13
I’m kind of confused. Your profile says you are already married. Is your wedding next July 3rd or what’s goin’ on?
Post # 14
I’d just be ultra discrete about the registry, only verbally passing the info when asked, and being fairly modest in what you put on it. If a shower should happen, only invite people on your side who are super close to you whom you know won’t get offended.
Post # 15
Agree with Caliocteach – definitely register for those people who want to give you gifts, but forgo the shower on your side of the family.
Post # 16
oops! Thanks for pointing that out. I’m not married yet. Small typo! 🙂