Post # 17
I really don’t think you should have a second shower. If you do decide to do so I would recommend ONLY inviting people who were not invited to the first shower. The whole idea of a shower is to give the bride gifts and those who attended the first shower would probably be offended if they were asked again to come and give gifts, especially considering some of them were probably put out by your 3 days in advance cancelled wedding previously. Not to be mean, but it’s the truth.
You will surely get lots of fabulous gifts at the wedding and therefore there is really no need to have a second shower. I was invited to a second shower before (the bride had been married about 2 years prior and divorced) and I decline to attend as I thought it was extremely tacky.
Post # 18
MsB – Sorry, but isn’t the idea of a WEDDING shower to give gifts to the bride AND groom?? I was under the impression that a BRIDAL shower was strictly for the bride, and the WEDDING shower was for both.
Anyhow, I don’t think my FH should have to miss out on a shower just because I called off my previous engagement. However, we would only invite immediate family from my side, and of course, his extended family. AND, I wouldn’t be the one hosting it. So, should someone from HIS side decide they want to throw one for us, I would use careful discretion and consideration when sending invites to MY family and friends.
Thanks all for the advice. 🙂
Post # 19
Sorry I just assume you mean bridal shower when you say wedding shower. I have only been to bridal ones so that is the image that comes to my mind.
I think it would be fine if only his family was invited as they were not at the first shower (obviously). I’m sure your immediate family would also want to be there…. just be careful about inviting people outside your immediate family who attended the first shower as they may not take to kindly to it.
Post # 20
I think your FH knew what he was getting into and your situation, so he shouldn’t have a problem with not having a shower. Thats not the marriage is about anyway. If someone from his family wants to throw you a shower, tell them you’d rather have just a celebration party with no gifts specified. (Not a shower, just a party — like a barbaque, etc.)
As far as the first gifts, I agree with earlier posters, they should have been returned without even question. You don’t need permission to return gifts, you just send them. For gift cards, you just go get a gift card from teh stores and send it to the giver. That would have been the proper thing to do
My advice would be register one or two places, because FH’s family is going to want to give you gifts, but do not put it on invitations obviously. For your family if anyone asks, say "I really don’t want my family or friends to give me gifts since they did last year." Don’t worry, they will give you a gift anyway.
Remember – when it doubt, choose the more gracious alternative. You don’t want to attract any more whispers than was probably generated from your first engagement!
Post # 21
I agree with NorthCarolinaBride. The idea behind the wedding is to get married potentially in the presence of your loved ones. It is not to get gifts. Having a shower is not a requirement of getting married!
With all these gift questions coming up on the boards it seems as if people are losing the meaning behind the wedding. I’ve noticed this a lot amongst people who I know as well and for this reason my fiancee and I are asking anyone who wants to give us a gift to give to charity in our name instead. We’re both able to buy our own towels and toaster and I don’t really care for china so I’d rather someone who needs it have it instead of us.
Post # 22
It is possible to have a shower without the traditional types of gifts. You could have a recipe shower, for instance. The traditional type of shower was to provide the bride with all the things she would need to "set up housekeeping," the idea being that prior to the shower she lived with her parents. So if you’re going to be ultra-traditional, if you already have your own kitchen, you don’t need a shower.
That said, the fact is that people generally want to do something to show their happiness for you. I’m 43, Darling Husband is 50, we both make really good money, and OF COURSE we can buy our own towels – and already own some very nice knives and spatulas. However, I had five different people offer to throw me a shower. I finally realized that it’s actually fairly selfish to keep turning them down. They don’t offer out of a sense of obligation – they offer because they think it would be fun to throw a party for you.
Same with the wedding registry/gifts… people don’t ask what you want or need because they and thinking "Oh crap, I have to bring a present." I like to think that the friends and family that I have spent literally thousands of dollars on over the years – for baby showers, wedding showers, weddings, christenings, kids’ birthdays – might like the chance to do a little something for me for a change. Some people chose to get us a nice bottle of wine, or something like that – but a lot of people got us towels and dishes and kitchen appliances. We cleaned and packed up all our older stuff and donated it to the local family violence shelter.
If you want to ask your guests to donate to charity, that’s wonderful. But please don’t judge those who feel it’s okay to accept a gift as somehow mercenary. It’s just a personal decision, and it’s okay either way. Asking your guests to donate to the American Cancer Society in lieu of buying you a gift doesn’t make better than a bride who registers for china – and who, for all you know, is volunteering at a local hospice in her spare time.
Post # 23
Sorry I didn’t mean to judge others for accepting gifts. It was moreso a comment about how many posts seem to resolve around where to register and what guests didn’t send a gift and are not really about wedding planning as such.
My issue with it all is that the whole giving wedding gifts and having showers, etc began at a time when people got married at 16 and had absolutly no personal goods or money. To me in this day and age when we all have something of our own it seems more appropriate to focus on the experiences and time we spend with our family and friends. I love the idea of a recipe shower or something like that. I’m not anti-shower 🙂 I just think that we should try and avoid whenever possible to appear greedy whether it is by choice (asking for a shower) or by chance (having someone throw one for you). Having 5 showers is fine, as long as the same people are not invited to more than one.
I think I was just caught off guard by the idea that a wedding shower is sort of an entitlement to getting married. It’s all just a little bizarre to me… it seems like we’re getting so far away from sharing in the actual union of two people.
Post # 24
MsB – I agree, somewhat, that people tend to lose focus sometimes when it comes to the registry. But this is not the case here. I simply asked because I knew it would be coming up eventually and I wasn’t sure how to handle it.
In hindsight, yes, ALL of the gifts should have been returned, no questions asked and that was a mistake on our part, but nothing can be done about it at this point. I don’t have an extra $400 lying around to go replace all of the gift cards we received and send them back.
My FH and I are still young, I just turned 24 and he’ll be 25 soon, so we don’t ACTUALLY have ALL the things to furnish a home. For example, one of the guests from my 1st shower gave us a SINGLE set of the towels we registered for (not sure why they did that, but whatever…) so yes, I have a single set of towels to take with me when I move in with my FH. And all the REALLY important things went with my ex (vacuum cleaner, pans, dishes, etc.) I think I wound up with an ice cream scoop, the one set of towels, some knives and a slow cooker.
I have never been under the impression that we were entitled to a shower, and I would be just fine without one, but I know my family, and I know FH’s, and I have a feeling someone will bring it up at some point.
Thanks again everyone. 🙂
Post # 25
I’m laughing a little MrsB – not at you, at me. I didn’t actually have 5 showers. I just finally got it through my thick head, when there were 5 people total pestering me to throw one, that it was sort of obstinate to keep refusing. I also didn’t want a bachelorette party, but ended up having several of those, as my friends seemed so disappointed at the prospect of not having their night on the town.
Believe it or not, your friends still have fun buying you wedding presents when you’re in your 40s and technically have everything. And they don’t buy you a $40 place setting of everyday dishes anymore. They buy you $300 stuff from Williams-Sonoma. Because they know you have dishes and silverware – and they know you make six figures and therefore can buy your own towels. But they also make six figures, and want to get you something nice.
I firmly believe that part of the art of being gracious and polite is also in knowing how to appropriately accept a gift. Sometimes the best policy is really to just smile and say "Thank you so much. That is so nice of you."
Wintersprincess – go ahead and register. And let his family throw you a shower. Anybody who disagrees with the concept can choose to stay home – or can donate to the American Humane Society in your name. I bet that plenty of your girlfriends will have loads of fun making you bouquets of spatulas and wooden spoons and whatnot. I would.
Post # 26
I think the fact that OP is having doubts about the whole shower thing and is uncertain what to do, kind of shows that its inappropriate. You have to go with your instinct, not your desire for matching towels and rubber spatulas. Personally, if I had cancelled a wedding 3 days before and accpeted gifts for same, I dont think i’d be having a lavish one the second time around and espcially not within one year. You have to accept the fact that there are consequences to your actions. If she really wants to get married, maybe it means you have to sacrafice the shower. Its not the end of a world. You’ll get plenty of gifts whether you register or not. And again, for all the nice people that want to do something celebratory for you, just have them throw a barbeque, potluck, catered party, bachelorette night, recipe shower, etc. Not having shower gifts is a small sacrafice to make in the name of etiquette IMO
Post # 27
THAT would be an interesting story to read…all I can say is Good Luck this time around. 😉
Post # 28
Umm.. Wedding showers are not the norm anyway and I think it is rather a new thing. Not having a wedding shower shouldn’t be that much of a big deal to your fh because most men don’t have them. That said — I’ve already posted my opinion on multiple showers in an earlier post.