Post # 1
Member
426 posts
Helper bee
First, some background: my fiance is Austrian and lives in Austria. I’m American, living in California. We’re having the wedding in Pennsylvania. My fiance is already established and has a home with everything we need, so we’ve decided to only make a Honeyfund registry – where we’ll just get money for our honeymoon (and if we’re lucky, some left over!).
My mother, on the other hand, just gave me quite a lecture about how
1. It’s wedding etiquette to have a gift registry.
2. People want to give you gifts, not money.
3. You wont get much money from the honeyfund account, because of point 2.
4. It’s extremely offensive to state that you don’t want gifts, and ofensive to ask for money.
This is making me want to rip my hair out. I am tired of this wedding etiquette crap! We do not want a bunch of gifts that we then have to figure out how to transport back to Austria, and/or have to figure out where to put in our apartment in Austria (that means no registries for places like Amazon, which would ship to Austria, either).
My idea was (and is) to put a note on our website saying something like this:
“We’d like to politely decline gifts; we presently have all that we need and would rather not have to transport them back to Austria. Instead, we would love if you would help us make our honeymoon possible.”
etc etc, feel free to edit.
Is that really that bad??
Post # 3
Member
375 posts
Helper bee
Did you read Miss Funnel Cake’s take on gifts? They’re also dealing with an international shipping situation and it makes total sense to not want to deal with all of that.
That said, it can get a little awkward asking people for money–technically gifts are optional and it’s nice to acknowledge that. Something like…
“Your presence is present enough, really we have all we need, but if you’d really like to add icing to our cake, consider our honeyfund registry, please.”
Post # 4
Member
10571 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
No, you don’t need a gift registry. Since the honeyfund registry is newer, some people really haven’t warmed up to it yet though (and maybe never will), so having a smaller gift registry along with it isn’t a bad idea.
If people do not have a registry, or a fairly small one, I think most people know that it means to give cash, unless they know the couple really well and want to give them something personal.
Post # 5
Member
4824 posts
Honey bee
Depends, are you having a shower? I really dont think you can have a shower and not have a registry.
If its only a wedding, then its a different story. That depends on your circle. In my circle people do not give presents for the wedding, only for showers.
Post # 6
Member
6065 posts
Bee Keeper
@leafgum: I would probably just re-word your statement.
Something more like this:
Due to our long distance move to Austria, we decided not to register for gifts. Your presence at our wedding is certainly gift enough!
(the revision isnt perfect, just what i thought of right now)
No need to mention the honeymoon fund- they will see the fund on the website and can partake if they so choose.
Post # 7
Member
491 posts
Helper bee
Not at all! I think it could be perceived as rude if you were asking for money not gifts just because, and even that is pretty common. You, on the other hand, don’t need gifts! It’d almost be an inconvenience! I think people would totally understand that if you gave them a gift you would have to transport it all the way across the world which could get very expensive.
“Wedding Etiquette” is almost a thing of the past. People do so many new and unique things these days.. it’s a changing world! Sidenote, maybe you could change up the sentence after the semicolon. Emphasize more that it’d be hard to transport them rather than saying you have all that you need?
Post # 8
Member
491 posts
Helper bee
@thirdtimebride: you worded it perfectly!
Post # 9
Member
3618 posts
Sugar bee
I don’t know about the way you worded your note…but we are not doing a registry either. We have been living together in our home for 3.5 years and we already have everything we need. We just put on our website under the registry section: Since we are already settled at home, there will be no registry. I have seen several times people adding a line like: Contributions to our happily ever after fund are accepted.
We kept ours short and simple and did not ask directly for money. That was a personal decision on our part. We do not want to ask for money or gifts and will leave it up to our guests to decide what they are comfortable giving. It is also in our culture to give money rather than gifts so this is acceptable to our families but we have gotten a few confused friends asking about our registry to which we just repeat what we wrote on our website. Our close friends also know we are not registered and have been passing the message along that we will accept monetary gifts when people ask.
Post # 10
Member
2442 posts
Buzzing bee
You don’t have to have a gift registry. People can decide on their own if they want to give you an actual gift or the gift of money. I would think most people would just send money out of convenience, especially if they know the logistics of things. However, I personally don’t like the idea of a honeymoon fund. I want to help people begin their lives as a married couple but I don’t want to help them take a vacation. I say don’t have the gift registry or the honeymoon registry and just use the money you receive as wedding gifts toward your honeymoon. That’s what we did. We received more than enough money for the honeymoon and had money left over.
Post # 11
Member
426 posts
Helper bee
@lefeymw:
We’re not having a wedding shower.
Post # 12
Member
426 posts
Helper bee
Thanks, bees! This makes me feel much better, and the edits are great!!
Post # 13
Member
5883 posts
Bee Keeper
You totally can have just a Honeymoon Fund. I would reword what you put on the website. Maybe a combo of @thirdtimebride: and @Evie19:
Due to our long distance move to Austria, we decided not to register for gifts. Your presence is present enough, but if you’d really like to add icing to our cake, consider our honeyfund registry (insert link).
If however your Mom doesn’t get off your back and you need a place to faux register– Bed Bath and Beyond will give you cash back on items. I would go there and register for like 10 things (to make her happy), then take them back for the cash.
Post # 14
Member
3375 posts
Sugar bee
Well I think it’s fine not to register, but I don’t like honeyfund. I hear they take a percentage of the money you get…. not cool. I would just write you a check.
Post # 15
Member
3375 posts
Sugar bee
But, FYI if you tell people that their presence is present enough, a lot of them will give NO gift. Just a warning. I think it’s just better not to register and people will just give you money.
Post # 16
Member
5762 posts
Bee Keeper
I’m not sure where you’re from, but your Mom’s idea is a little off base. Rude to NOT have a registry? If you don’t need anything, why bother? If people want to give you a gift, they will.
I NEVER give wedding GIFTS. I always give cash for the wedding.
Member