- 3 years ago
- Wedding: September 2014
I have been a long time stalker here on the bee but this is my first time to require an account to post a problem of my own.
We’ve been married for 2 months now and I feel like it was the biggest mistake of my life!!! We were together for 5 years when he proposed and now have been together for close to 7 years – we are young at 24&25 and I am thinking we were too young to make a choice like this. We have been together for so long that I even wonder if we are “in love” anymore or if we are just comfortable in the relationship we have. There is no spark, no romance, little intimacy… but plenty of arguments.
Leading up to the wedding things were getting away from a young couple in love to the mess that our relationship now is. We had our problems all along but it wasn’t until we said our vows that they really became the focus of our relationship. It feels like we were both living a charade and pretending that we were happy, and now that we are married we have stopped pretending.
Two nights ago we actually sat down and discussed divorce – the most unimaginable thing for a newlywed couple!
We had just had a massive fight and a lot of things came out about how neither of us were happy with the other, how neither of us wanted to make radical changes to ourself, how we are both done with the others crap – at one point he had even taken his wedding ring off and threw it across the room. That was the moment where I knew that we weren’t on the same page about what marriage meant to us and that one action was what initiated our conversation. He left that night to stay at his mothers (both of us agreed it would be best) and is returning home tonight.
My issues are around his behaviour and lack of support and initiative. I am the breadwinner and he works part time, all I ask of him around the house is that it is clean when I get home in the evenings – but when I get home he is playing games or out with a friend and the house is a mess. I am too exhausted at the end of the workday to clean up as well, I also have a medical condition that requires me to at least attempt to relax when I get home rather than stressing about the mess. He also has a very self entitled mindset and often tries to claim he deserves whatever he wants because of some minor thing he did, or since I did something he gets something else even if we cannot afford it. The lack of romance is also on his part, part of my medical condition is that I have a very low libido, which means effort is required to get me into the mood – several times this past year I’ve had to set up a romantic evening just to break the lack of sex, he simply tries to grope me, realizes that is not working, and then makes me feel guilty for not being in the mood and we don’t have sex for weeks at a time until I put a lot of effort into a fully romantic evening. We have fully discussed what I need for him to do for us to have regular sex but he feels that I have a “wifely duty” and he shouldn’t need to work for sex, I should pretty much just spread my legs and take it.
On his side he says that I am unbearably bitchy (he admitted thought that my behaviour stems from reactions to his lack of assistance) and that I should at least appear to be happier. He doesn’t want to listen to me vent about family, friends or work. He feels that even though I work all day long 6 days a week that I should be the one cleaning since it only matters to me. He thinks that he should be allowed more freedom to hang out with friends and party. He has no personal disposable income as he doesn’t even make enough to cover his share of the expenses, he feels I should give him my own earnings to use as shopping cash. He thinks that I should put out more. He says that since my family dislikes him that I should in turn shun my family. He thinks we need to spend at least a full day apart each week.
We went to a therapist years ago when we had problems (not this bad though) and from that we learned that the only thing we could do was to either adjust our own expectations to the other or to work to meet the expectations set for us. In this case we both have some key issues that neither of us feel are acceptable comprimises. We both agree that I am a more uptight person while he is very laid back, for dating this was almost refreshing but now that we are married it is like we live on different planets.
We both practically agreed that we may have made a mistake by getting married and that our relationship may have already run its course. For years people always were surprised when they found out that we were still together just based on where we came from and who we were, we probably should’ve taken that as a warning rather than a challenge.
As much as it hurt us both to admit it, divorce is a real problem that may be in our near future if we cannot work something out to both be married happily. We both agree that it is foolish to simply throw in the towel so soon so we will be aiming to make it until our 2nd anniversary to really determine if we should divorce or not. Our 1st anniversary is 10 months away and we decided that it would be a good time to re-evaluate our relationship. During this time we are going to both work hard to do everything we can to make it work, we don’t want to divorce but we are accepting that it may happen if one or both of us is very unhappy in the marriage.
We have agreed to put off having any children until our issues are resolved plus we are not combining our finances as planned in an attempt to make things go more smoothly in a worst case scenario situation. We are both at fault here, we got so caught up in the fact we were getting married that we failed to recognize the red flags popping up around us on the way.
My hope is that it all turns out well, that we are able to sort through our problems and stay married forever. I just hope this serves as a warning to some of the bees who think things change for the better despite problems prior to marriage, some young bees rushing into things and bees who are ignoring the red flags that are popping up.