Post # 1
OK so I asked my wedding party early. There is a group of friends that have been “together” for 20 years. It should be noted that my father passed away the same year as my wedding. So I stopped planning altogether for about 3 months of the time before the wedding. Not sure this helps but it shows whats going on. Well one of the friends hasn’t been there for any of us in any real way for several years. I tend to be kind of over forgiving in this for long time friends because I like to try to work through it. Anyhow, I asked this friend, lets say Barbara.
My friend/bridesmaid Sally had a baby and Barbara never texted a congrats or any response the whole pregnancy. I should have known something was up at this time. Anyhow Barbara accepted being in the bridal party and was then unable to even come to the wedding due to a new job and called me a month before the wedding (she’s also out of state). Understandable. What wasn’t understandable was kind of falling off the face of the earth after the wedding. I texted and called to see whats up and after the wedding to see how the new job was coming. It was kind of radio silence. Even when I messaged to see if her and her husband were ok after a natural disaster, nothing.
Now to the point. A “new” friend of the group lets say Shayna has been friends with us all for about 9 years. We were at the start of becoming a new group of all of us around the time I asked people to be bridesmaids. We would just periodically meet up before but in more recent years we get together more. I just kept the bridal party to the friends from 20 years. I thought about adding other friends too, and even asked what I should do, I have another very good friend out of state that I would have asked too, but I didn’t ask her either. My father passed away during this time. I am jumbled at the time frame because I was leaving work early to see the hospice people on and off and hospitals to visit dad before hospice. My dad passed away. I stopped wedding planning for months.
I am still regretting that I didn’t ask Shayna. We all always hang out and I’m going to soon print wedding pictures to hang up and I’m really sad that there aren’t any of us two in good quality. Like super bummed. I feel so guilty like I was a bad friend for not asking and I think she may have felt left out but said nothing. I can’t seem to get over it and I don’t want to hang the pics because of it. It’s been a year since the wedding and obviously I can’t do anything about it now. What should I do to get past this?
Also now the other friend, Barbara is having a baby and I found out from social media and she isn’t answering texts. So it’s clear the friendship is over even though I have no idea why. I even bluntly asked but of course that was ignored too. This makes me feel even stupider for asking her to be a bridesmaid when she’s been a terrible friend.
Post # 2
I hope I don’t sound dismissive, I really don’t mean to , but I would think you have a lot more interesting and important things going on now than to keep on thinking about someone you might have asked to be a bridemaid a year ago .
You asked asked the one did ask for a good reason. That she couldn’t and now her life seem to have diverged from your yours now is a pity , but it happens doesn’t it? If you have told your new friend how much you would have liked to have had her instead, I;m sure that is suffcient for her . So now, you know , it’s probably a good idea to drop it for your own sake . No one else will be at all concerned about someone else wedding party decisions now.
Post # 3
froglegs : I think it’s time to just let it go and move on. Obviously Barbara has ended the friendship for one reason or another but it doesn’t sound like she was that great of a friend anyways. There is literally nothing you can do now about not asking the other friend to be in the bridal party so I wouldn’t dwell on it any longer.
Post # 4
I haven’t told her because I feel weird. Thing is we’re not as close as the others are to her for some reason, but we’re a close group if that makes sense.
Not dismissive, I appreciate the honestly which is what a board like this is for. I guess I wished I had done things differently. I also know that it sucks to be left out and I hate to think I’m the one doing that.
Side note – I tend to find a problem and ruminate. I have worked on this over the years but this is an example and it comes up every few months and I’m doing it again now. I do have many other exciting things going on but right now I have a lot of extra time in my life due to circumstances out of my control.
Post # 5
froglegs : As a person that struggles getting over regrets, all I can recommend is focusing on the positives and remembering that everything happens for a reason. Barbara is clearly not a true friend so thankfully she couldn’t attend the wedding or you’d have life long pictures of her. As far as Shayna goes, she’s still a great friend and you have a bright future together. There will be plenty of other exciting life events (baby showers, milestone b-days, girls night out reunions) that you can celebrate together and take pictures to put right next to your wedding photos. You can’t change the past, but maybe that’s a good thing. Maybe if Shayna was in the bridal party it would have went terribly, maybe something would have occurred that would have ruined the friendship. Maybe she’s the type of person that wouldn’t even liked being in a bridal party or would have felt funny because she’s newer to the group. Honestly, most people don’t get to include ALL their friends in their bridal party, so it’s pretty normal that you just picked your friends of the longest amount of time.
Overall you made the best decision you could at the time. Don’t regret that. Hang those wedding photos and be proud to say that you have so many good friends 🙂
Post # 6
Please don’t say anything to Shayna. You acknowledge you aren’t as close to her as some of the mutual friends. BMs are supposed to be chosen for their very close relationship to you, not because they are part of the same group. In addition, it’s unnecessary and inconsiderate to tell someone why they weren’t invited to do something.
Obviously, your former friend Barbara has an issue, either of her own or with you and others in your bridal party. If she has ended the relationship, there’s not much you can do.
Regretting your choice now is a waste of time and energy. In hindsight, it sounds like neither of them should have been asked.
Post # 7
A wedding is just a snapshot of a specific moment in time that celebrates two people getting married. It’s not some all-encompassing montage of everything important in your life. The lack of her being a bridesmaid doesn’t equal a lack of importance in your life. Likewise, a person being a bridesmaid at that one occasion doesn’t equal the status of being important in your life for all your days. Relationships ebb and flow. That’s just a part of life. And your life is bigger than the 5-8 hours that was your wedding and getting ready for your wedding. Being hung up on not making those 5-8 hours completely perfect as you think it should be now a year after the fact means you miss out on all the hours happening in your life now. What happens if you and Shayna have a falling out 6 months from now? Or a year from now? What happens if you discover the reason Barbara fell off the face of the earth was because she got involved in an abusive relationship or a loved one got diagnosed with a terminal illness? There are all sorts of reasons things happen, some we’re privy to and some we’re not and we make the best decisions we can with the information available at the time. You obviously remained friends – being a bridesmaid lasts one day, the friendship is all the other days of all the other years. What is more important? The one day or the other 364?
Post # 8
I am a romantic at heart. You can’t change the past. Maybe speak to her and perhaps purchase someting special like a bracelet that you and her only have and explain you cant change the past but your want to have a great future with her as a friend and move on. Closure:)
Post # 9
Maybe have a fun day with Shayna and take a picture with her that you can frame for your wall. Non wedding pictures are worthy of being hung on the wall! I know having her as a bridesmaid is a way to show how much you care for her, but at the same time, there are other activities and actions that can also show this to her now that the wedding is passed. I think it sounds like you’re better off without Barbara in your life. She seems to have moved on. Sometimes that happens and we will never know why, and sometimes there isn’t even an answer as to why a person moves on! It just happens with life!