(Closed) Regrets

posted 3 years ago in Waiting
Post # 2
Member
329 posts
Helper bee

When you say “it’s not supposed to go like this”, what did you mean? Were you hoping he did it earlier? Or that he shouldn’t be doing this while stressed out about writing the exam? 

If this really is the biggest exam of his life, then maybe I would cut him some slack here especially if he offered to go ring shopping. But a week after that exam is over, then it’s back to business. If there’s no movement, sit him down and explain that you knew the deadline passed, but you backed off due to his exams. Now it’s either game time or it’s game over time. 

Maybe to speed up the process, you can go look at rings yourself? That’s what I did for my Fiance. I insisted we go ring shopping since neither of us knew anything about rings, then I went by myself to narrow things down. My friend was even funnier; she picked out the ring and then made all kinds of hints (subtle and not so subtle) about it so that her now-husband would buy that one. 

Regardless, good luck! 

Post # 3
Member
429 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

What do you want? Your timeline was made and now it has gone and past by. Now you have to deal with the present. Is this normal and his usual behavior? Are you okay with being let down and disappointed over and over again? What happens when you have bigger decisions and financial commitments in the future, is he going to behave just like this? Are you going to be okay with that? 

Do you really want a future with him? Are you willing to sacrifice your pride and wait a little bit longer? Or will you prefer to take the dramatic approach and walk? 

 

Post # 4
Member
5951 posts
Bee Keeper

Ask him if he’s ready to go ring shopping (as in actually geting a ring, I’ve seen a few stories on here where the guy would periodically take his partner ‘window shopping’ to shut her up but then never follow through). If he says yes, tell him to concentrate on his exam right now and the two of you can do lunch and ring shopping the weekend after his exam. If he stalls or makes excuses, then unfortunately this will also give you an answer even if it’s not the one you’dl hoped for. Good luck Bee.

 

Post # 6
Member
1633 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

Time doesn’t “slip away” from him. He’s choosing not to make something happen. Took me a couple of relationships to realize that, including a marriage where he proposed after five years together, which included a breakup where, much like your situation, he said he realized how much he needed me after being apart. Then less than a year into marriage – surprise! He supposed he didn’t want to be married after all.

I’m not shoving my bitterness onto you to destroy your own happiness or something, but I tell you this because I wish I’d learned much earlier not to tolerate this kind of crap. I’m a strong, fairly intelligent woman in all other respects.

If he had asked you what kind of rings you like and a month later you were losing your mind over no proposal yet, I would think you were the nutjob. But here, this guy who has been around ten years seems to be making specific representations to you that he does not follow through on or apparently won’t be able to follow through on. At some point this starts to look like stringing you along. How hard is it to propose within a year? Answer: It’s not.

i know a lot of other Bees take the perspective that it’s silly for you to wait for the man to propose, as you are both adults making this decision. I am a little more forgiving and see no reason why someone shouldn’t have the fun of a surprise proposal even when marriage has been discussed before and more or less decided upon. So I don’t see a problem with him indicating a proposal is near and you sitting back and waiting for him to do it in his own way. I do have a problem with you sitting back forever while he makes promises and leaves you in knots with his lack of follow-through. Even if he’s not doing it intentionally to mess with you; he’s being flaky about something that’s very important to you.

I heard something once that is so simple but basically made my mind explode when I first heard it: If a man wants to marry you, he f***ing will. (The expletive is my addition – I think it rolls off the tongue nicely.)

Post # 7
Member
329 posts
Helper bee

Maybe he’s just stressed out about the exam and that’s why he’s slowing down? Ultimately you know him best so you’re best at judging whether he’s stalling or simply dealing with something that wasn’t considered when the deadline was originally set. 

But yeah, I was a bit pushy about my own proposal, haha. I was like “we don’t know anything about rings! LET ME HELP YOU ELMINATE THIS BARRIER!” And I could tell during the process that he was sincere about it. I even got the salespeople to write the model numbers down on business cards and then gave it to him to keep. I took pictures also, but they were kinda more for my benefit. 

Kudos however goes to the guy at Spence for seeing that I’ve settled on a ring, invited us into the office, offered us a choice of diamonds, and then having a private talk with him. Neither of us saw this coming. In retrospect, I think that was when he made the purchase. I don’t want to get your hopes up, but sometimes the salesperson is even more motivated than the two of you about you getting that ring, haha. 

Post # 8
Member
1958 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2016

beedot:  when my husband said we could get a ring, he told me would propose later. I told him that if we stepped into a jewellers, regardless of whether we bought a ring or not, we were engaged. I told him to think about it and if he wanted to be engaged we would look at rings, if he wasn’t seriously ready to be engaged then no ring shopping. We went ring shopping that day and told our parents we were engaged that evening.

I didn’t have a grand romantics gesture (although I did get a heartfelt speech that evening and an edible ring) and so you might ‘give up’ your romantic proposal. However, if you really want to marry him, then the “proposal” will be wonderful and great even if it isn’t the “traditional story”. I’d probably suggest delaying ring shopping until after his exam, with the emphasis that if you go ring shopping in a weeks time, you’re engaged and you will start telling people/planning.

Post # 9
Member
9604 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

Cant you just wait a few weeks till after “the biggest exam of his life” ??? Then have a frank talk about it but give the guy a break.

Post # 11
Member
3307 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

RobbieAndJuliahaha:  +1

There’s ring shopping and there’s ring buying. An offer to go “shopping” after the deadline has passed sounds like another way to postpone. Look, you can’t make him propose to you. The only thing you have control over is yourself, whether you stay in limbo or move on. 

And the hell with the big test, maybe he should have done it earlier. Life is full of stress. It’s a poor excuse for inaction In My Humble Opinion.

Post # 12
Member
7851 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Is he taking the CFA by chance? That exam is a beast and people taking it defintely have no lives in the weeks leading up to it (not to mention countless hours of studying all year before). STILL…it’s hardly a surprise to him that this exam was coming. While it might be crunch time now, it probably wasn’t a month or two ago, so why didn’t he do it then? You say he’s not one to say he’ll do something and not do it….but that’s exactly what’s happening here. It’s concerning that he’s not like this in any other aspect of his life, but when it comes to one of the biggest decisions of his life, which impacts another person, he can’t keep his word.

I just feel like these men who miss one deadline after the next on an engagement are all, at the core, taking their partner for granted. That is what pisses me off about it. It’s disrespectful to you. If he’s having doubts about getting engaged, he needs to discuss that openly with you. If he’s not having doubts, and finances for a ring are in order, then there is NO reason to miss a deadline of one year. 

Post # 13
Member
329 posts
Helper bee

Yeah he probably should have planned it earlier…but then again, that would have required him to plan it six months ago. Since the one year timeline was time for the two of you to get to know each other again, maybe it would have been premature of him to go ring shopping halfway through the timeline.

I don’t want to go full out defending your boyfriend. The other bees could be right and he could be stalling you. The two of you have also known each other for a decade now. There shouldn’t be any more mysteries between the two of you. 

I don’t know what exam he’s studying for, but surely he can spare just one day to relax and go look at rings with you. And when that day comes, make sure you’ve looked at rings beforehand so that you can give your opinions on what you wants. Make a date out of it even. Go have a milkshake at the mall, walk around to relax, slip into some shops, and then see how he responds. Is he attentive and asking questions? Does he look interested? I think you’ll get a better feel of what’s up by then.

Then he has his exams and afterwards, things should move along. But it’s ultimately up to you! I wouldn’t wait around too long though. Life always has excuses to offer. 

Post # 14
Member
98 posts
Worker bee

Some men become complacent and need a good kick in the bum to wake them up (I have one of them) ๐Ÿ™‚ Don’t feel bad if you know that he loves you and wants to marry you then there shouldnt really be a reason not to push a little. Maybe hes just laid back about these things

Post # 15
Member
5894 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

beedot:  Yikes, this is really tough.

On the ond hand…biggest exam of his life…he had to have known that was coming up for months and if he didn’t plan ahead…what the heck man?

Look, I also had a guy who dragged his feet.  In the end, he let one deadline pass with no action.  Before we got to the second deadline I took a lot of initiative in terms of finding rings and sending him exactly what I wanted.  He dragged it out right to the end.  The proposal wasn’t impressive and it was clear in the end that he was overwhelmed by the whole thing.  But the marriage is great.  We’ve been married for three years next week!  It’s not 50 years, but it’s something and we’re really happy.

You need to look inside yourself and decide whether you want to stay and whether his behavior is a matter of him not prioritizing proposing or not prioritizing having a life with you.  If you know in your heart that this isn’t going to work, leave.  If not, I think you should propose to him after he finishes his test. 

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