Post # 16
You should wait until after his exam to go ring shopping but it’s something you should communicate clearly to him. As others have said, maybe go ring shopping yourself first.
Also, I would start doing little things to communicate your overall message clearly. Maybe start putting some of your knick-knacks in a box, pack up your winter clothes in a duffle bag. “Oh, what am I doing? Just preparing myself in case you don’t follow through, like the other times.”
Post # 17
I’m not buying this whole exam stress. They have been together over a DECADE. He has known that the timeline was a year well before this exam. He has made ZERO effort to work towards proposing, and now is using the exam to bail again. Sure, wait until after the exam, but I bet there’s another excuse right around the corner. Or you will ring shop together and then he STILL won’t buy it and propose.
Listen, he’s had plenty of time. He is CHOOSING not to marry you. Either you are okay with it or you aren’t, but 11 years is more than enough to decide.
Post # 18
RobbieAndJuliahaha: your words are gold : ring shopping and follow through!
Post # 19
i was in a similar situation. we split up after almost seven years and got back together after two months. He had the ring and everything before we broke up but he was having doubts and was acting childish. Now that we are together I told him that things had to be different and we are both on the same page and I gave myself an ultimatium timeline of a year and a half, but I didn’t tell him that because he pretty much aggred that he was all in this time. He has a new ring now and I’m just waiting, but i don’t feel stressed at all, if I don’t get the ring I will move onto someone else who wants to be with me enough to Mary me
Post # 20
GreenGables: thank you for putting it so efficient “Time doesn’t “slip away” from him. He’s choosing not to make something happen.”
Post # 21
Jadegreen: +1 someone else who wants to be with me enough to marry me…as I read on this board but cant remember the bee name (so sorry): “A man who loves you will moves mountains to marry you, and he will push the relationship forward excitedly. He’ll follow up his words with ACTIONS and you won’t be left feeling confused.”
Post # 22
I’d chill until after the exam since you already stayed after the deadline.
Post # 23
Wow, a lot of replies popped up.
Regarding the decade aspect…he proposed when we were teenagers. But being a teenager, I said no. He also started up again in 2011 with the proposal talk. I’ve never felt ready as we were kids throughout most of that decade and not even in the same province. I’m an entirely different person than I was just two years ago. Between age, long distance (most of our relationship), marriage is really only something that I started thinking about in the last year we were together, before I left realizing we both had changes to make. We made them. People follow their own timelines.
For further context, he doesn’t know many friends who are in happy marriages (nor do I, actually). In the hockey changeroom he said it sounds like most are miserable and that hasn’t helped inspire him. Over the years he’s been starting to view marriage as a piece of paper as we watch our friends get divorced. So there’s less importance in the idea of a wedding than there is for me. To him, being together is enough and I believe he’s afraid to change that (my interpretation). Obviously I hold a different view now as I start to think of children.
Sooooo back to the advice-seeking intent of this thread, I followed @RobbieandJuliahaha ‘s advice and asked him without preamble if we were to find a ring I love today, is he prepared to buy it? Without pause he said, “Well, yeah, of course!” So after that response I told him to relax until after the exam which gives him 2 weeks to study without worrying about proposing. He seemed happy, saying, “I want our engagement to be the focus and not on the periphery.” Obviously I agree with all the comments about how he royally screwed up without planning ahead but I want to give him a week until after the exam to fix it. I’m quite confident people will be shaking their heads with that but my gut says he’ll follow through. I’ll always be the planner in the relationship, that’s for sure, but I’ve always felt like a top priority in every other aspect of his decisions over the years so I’m less concerned about that.
Edit: Yup, CFA
Post # 24
I think you did the right thing. I’m not sure what exam he’s studying for, but I certainly couldn’t have been counted on to make a monumental life decision or even come up with a ring/proposal while studying for the bar. We also met young, so I don’t see 10 years and jump to the conclusion that the guy is dragging his feet. Best of luck bee!
Post # 25
If it makes you happy, then you took a great choice 🙂
I am curious thought…What would happen if a month or more passes by and you still get no proposal? What if he comes up with a new “excuse” (ex. Too nervous and waiting for exam results)? Or what of the proposal is noy what you expected at all (ex. Just a “marry me” question and generic ring with no planning involved)?
I think you should set yourself an inner deadline. Say, three months or you will leave. Do not inform him about this, but keep it to yourselfm
Post # 26
beedot: I’m glad to hear you spoke with him and he’s on board with ring shopping after his exam 🙂 Keep us posted *have a good feeling about this*
Post # 27
beedot: Given your update, I think you did the right thing. Not every guy who drags his feet is unready to commit, some of them are just disorganized. If you feel like a priority in his other actions in life, I don’t think this is such a big deal.
CFA – good for him! I’m sure that he looks at this exam as something he’s doing not just for himself but for your future family.
Good luck and hang in there! Waiting is hard, but it won’t be forever.
Post # 28
His poor planning aside, I think you need to let it go until after the exam. Do spa time and ladies nights, read, bake knit.. do whatever you like to do to pass the time and stop stressing. Stressing out will not make it better, and he really needs to pass this exam. After that, it is time for him to put up or shut up so to speak, and you should not have to do anything. If he does nothing, you spent the last few weeks taking care of you and will be better equipped to move forward. If he proposes, then you already have good nails. 😉
Post # 29
Even though I think he is getting ready for the exam, I think he is stalling too and I think you need to be firm in some way.
Sit him down and get his budget for the ring then offer to go do some of the legwork. Make an appointment for shortly after the exam for him to see/buy what you’ve chosen. If he balks at this then you know where you stand.
Post # 30
I’m probably in the minority here, but I guess I have a hard time relating to the whole time line thing, or all the stress around it. For me, I felt like I knew my now Darling Husband and I were committed to each other, and I was content to let life unfold organically. We got a dog, entered into contract to purchase a new construction home, at some point we started talking about rings which he eventually bought (can’t even remember what time period that all was… few months?!), he had the ring for several more months beforent proposing, and we’d been together 5 years at that point.
I think you need to be true to yourself, whatever that is. If you feel that his missing this timeline is an indication that your relationship is not progressing in the manner you want and you must stand firm then that’s what you should do. But I also think if you are content and secure in how things are unfolding that’s totally ok too – I don’t think that is anything to have regrets over.