Regrets over being a SAHM and marital problem??

posted 4 months ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
1247 posts
Bumble bee

Communication is key. If something is upsetting you, don’t hold it in, tell him. 
Don’t feel bad about being overwhelmed! You’re caring for twins on your own all day! Being a stay at home mom is a hard job! You’re doing great! 
It sounds like you and your husband need to start zoom counseling again having a baby(ies) is hard on a marriage and having a little date night after work, even if it’s staying at home watching a movie, would be beneficial. 

Post # 3
Member
6169 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2017

Naw you’re normal. The first year after we had our daughter was rough, I was in charge of most of the caretaking, I felt so lost and lonely and resentment towards my husband grew. He was tired after working physically all day,.came home hungry, hung out a bit and then went to sleep. I’d be up all night clusterfeeding, eventually dealing with postpartum depression. I also slept in another room with the baby so he didn’t get disturbed but made me resent him more but for safety he couldn’t be tired at work and operating heavy machinery. After about 8months-year things got sooooo much better, baby was sleeping better, we were in the same bed again, etc. Things were so good that now I have a 1 week old newborn sleeping on my lap! Lol. But again, things are more stressful at home , I’m taking care of a toddler and newborn all day while in school full time (online BC of the pandemic ,but still), and he works all day and comes home exhausted, plays with our daughter and helps with our newborn but again, he’s in bed at 10 and I’m up all night clusterfeeding. Our marriage goes through a rough time after every pregnancy but i know it’s only a phase and things will get better in about less than a year. So my advice is to hang in there, let the babies cry while you take a shower or have a coffee, don’t let things get to you. Things WILL get much, much better later on. 

Post # 4
Member
7189 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

Being the primary/only cargiver for one baby under normal circumstances would be challenging. Being the only/primary caregiver for two babies night and day is absolutely impossible and you should give yourself immense credit for what you are doing. It’s a massive undertaking. You and your husband are both navigating and extraordinarily stressful time- with tighter finances and less sleep.

Post # 5
Member
1412 posts
Bumble bee

I only have 1 baby (3 months old) and I get overwhelmed at times.  I don’t think I could get by at all if I didn’t have a husband who helped out a lot (we don’t have extended family around).

Even though you’re a Stay-At-Home Mom that doesn’t mean you should be 100% responsible for caring for your babies. That’s superhuman, really.  It doesn’t make you a bad mom to need a break. It just makes you human.  Honestly, with most jobs, I think they’re way less stressful than caring for a baby 24/7. Nevermind twins!! So he needs to help even though he’s working. 

I don’t really get what happened with the charger incident. Is that hurtful because it relates to another bigger issue that you were already seeing counseling about? 

Post # 7
Member
6169 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2017

View original reply
@helpluv11:  it will get better and they eventually WILL sleep more but not yet. You’ve heard it a million times but sleep when they sleep, don’t worry about the bottles etc. It’s all about survival right now. 

Post # 8
Member
558 posts
Busy bee

I love my kids more than anything. I’d throw myself in front of a train to save them. But I would go batshit crazy being a Stay-At-Home Mom. It’s completely fine to feel this way. You are a great mom! And the best thing you can do for them is to be a healthy happy mom.  And if that means getting back to working for pay: DO IT. 

Also, as a fellow twin mom, I commiserate. Mine are 9 months old and have hit the stage where they are SO fun. But they are also crawling all the time, super fast, usually in opposite directions and towards danger.  And we have a 2.5 year old, hahhahah. 

Post # 9
Member
1035 posts
Bumble bee

When I read about the phone charger incident, it made me wonder – you said there was no communication over you moving into the other room – you just did it and he didn’t ask about it so you assumed he knew the reason.  But what if he doesn’t know the reason – and he thinks that now you’ve got the kids, you’re not interested in him any more.  I could kind of understand him being upset then – ‘oh, she’s happy to come into our bedroom to charge her phone, but she’s not interested in coming in to sleep with me’.

It may not be, but knowing how communication (or rather mis- and non-communication) can cause so many issues in marriage, it always makes me concerned when I read things like ‘we didn’t talk about it’ or ‘we didn’t have a discussion, but he knows…’ Because so often, what is obvious to you is not obvious to your OH.

I’d start off by having a really open and honest conversation- basically telling him what you’ve just told us.  Then maybe look into some more counselling.  I know a lot of couples who book regular marriage counselling sessions regardless of marital issues, as they regard it as a kind of ‘mot and service’ to keep the marriage running smoothly.  

But above all, don’t beat yourself up.  Dealing with little ones at any point is tough, but with Covid on top, it’s 100 times harder because you don’t have the same level of support around you.

Post # 10
Member
2674 posts
Sugar bee

Agree with pp about communicating with your spouse. You just moved out of the bedroom without any discussion. He may be reading into that thinking you’re upset with him for some reason, just as you’re reading into his behavior last night. Communicate!!!!

The first year of parenthood will strain the best of marriages. I’m sure it is even more intense with twins. You need to tell your husband how you’re feeling and also ask how he’s feeling with everything. And I think you need more help from him too. There’s no reason why he can’t get up with the babies at least once in the night. Working full time is not an excuse. You also have a full time job!!! Only your job doesn’t end in the evening. Taking care of twins all day is WORK. Being the sole parent to get up with small babies multiple times a night is WORK. Let your husband help you!

Post # 11
Member
250 posts
Helper bee

Is it financially/practically possible to get part-time childcare? Being a stay-at-home-mom doesn’t mean you have to do it all yourself. If you have the means and feel safe hiring someone, it might really help.

Also, I’m not sure why you are expected to do all the work at night. Unless you are doing 100% breastfeeding (no bottles at all, no expressed milk), it is unreasonable for that to be fully be your responsibility. Childcare, paid or not, is work and it is no less valuable than your husband’s. It is not good for anyone to have you doing it all 24 hours a day while he gets to come home, relax, and sleep. Of course that will lead to exhaustion and resentment while also potentially compromising your overall emotional health. 

There is nothing to feel guilty for!

Post # 12
Member
912 posts
Busy bee

Communication! 

Post # 13
Member
508 posts
Busy bee

1st – this is far more common than it should be. That’s not an incredibly great thing, but just know that you’re in good company. Newborns are exhausting when there’s just ONE… two would be nearly impossible. 

2nd – agree with PPs that you need to have a conversation with your husband. Share with him how you’re feeling, the responsibilities you are shouldering, how you feel about HIS work situation, how exhausted you are. You guys love each other and need to be a team right now.

3rd – just because he’s working outside the house doesn’t mean he shouldn’t do half of the parenting while he’s home. A Stay-At-Home Mom has some real dollar value when you add it all up: you’re a nanny for two kids all day long (you’d pay thousands a month for that); you most likely do all the chores during the day (laundry, cleaning, dishes); you probably do a ton of additional household duties like grocery shopping, cooking, and budgeting. You are saving your family a TON of money and time right now by being home. You are doing a lot of things you two would normally SHARE if you were both at work (I assume, at least that’s how it was in my home). Add two kids into the mix, and it’s unsustainable.

If you were working, he would probably help with the baby duties at night time (that would only be fair). So why is it any different with you at home? It’s not like you’re napping all day and not doing anything – you are doing a stressful job, and you aren’t even having the joy of socializing with other adults or a silent commute home. 

Your current division of duties is unsustainable. He needs to help with nighttime feedings and diaper changes. He needs to help with baths and bedtime routines and whatever you do with your kids after hours. Think logically about how you guys would share those duties if you were at work all day. You deserve a break and some sleep, too. 

Post # 14
Member
541 posts
Busy bee

Hey, Bee. It also sounds like you are dealing with some post partum depression, and it can manifest in many ways. It sounds like you are doing great, and dealing with twins is a both a blessing and a lot of work. It also sounds like you are over whelmed. If you don’t have any help with house work, stay at home moms actually do we more labor than a typical job. He’s exhausted and you’re exhausted, too. I think especially with new moms, they get so wrapped up about carrying for their babies that they forget to care for themselves a little (and feel guilty when they do). When you can, make some time for yourself and continue the therapy with your husband. Also, make sure you and your husband do some romantic things again to ease with both of your guys stress, too. Sending love and less stress your way!

Post # 15
Member
940 posts
Busy bee

Its also ok to have wanted to be a stay at home mother, and then realize that it isn’t for you. I know a lot of really excellent parents who learned that they were much better parents when they were able to get outside affirmation and time away from their child in the form of a job. That isn’t failure– it is learning about yourself. 

And babies are so so so hard! 

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