Regretting getting married

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
1576 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I really don’t know what to say and I am sorry you have to deal with this.  Anything happen to cause this big of a change?

Post # 4
Member
3360 posts
Sugar bee

my goodness.. what a disappointment.. I’m sure you have heard this before, but have you talked to Darling Husband about this ? Has he shown any interest in your feelings about the situation ? 

I went through some rough patches with my SO and another wonderful bee suggested that I read the book “The 5 Love Languages” by Gary Chapman. It was a real eye opener. Maybe you 2 are just not speaking the same language. I highly suggest it to you dear. 

Please keep us updated ! I am really sorry this is happening.. I’m praying for you ! 

Post # 5
Member
335 posts
Helper bee

@PurpleToes2: Ugh, I’m very sorry to read this, and I don’t blame you for feeling frustrated. On the one hand, you didn’t write anything that would lead me to believe that your marriage couldn’t be saved, but that’s IF your husband was willing to work on it with you. At this point, it doesn’t sound like he is. 🙁 I hope that if you continue to communicate how troubled you are, in a kind but firm way, that eventually he’ll see that there are problems and be willing to work on them. Do you think it’s possible that he’s depressed?

Post # 6
Member
8738 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2011

Did this happen gradually? Or all at once?

Did he enjoy those active things when you were dating and engaged?

It sounds like he could be depressed. Depression can lead to reduced sex drive, weight gain, lethargy, loss of interest in things you used to enjoy. 

Can you make it clear to him that he is losing you? Do you still go and do the things you enjoy?

Post # 7
Member
2580 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I’m so sorry that things have gone so downhill since the wedding. You mentioned that he didn’t see the point in it, but do you think he would be willing to see a couples counselor if you pressed the issue? Have you expressed your unhappiness to him? It doesn’t sound like things are unfixable, but it does seem to depend on his willingness to make some major changes or some compromise in expectations on your part. I wish you luck in whatever is the best decision for your own happiness.

Post # 8
Member
5496 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2010

I’m not usually one for ultimatums, but I think in this case it is certainly warranted. I would be upfront with your husband and tell him you are not happy and if things don’t change……

So sorry you are going through this. 🙁  ((Hugs))

Post # 9
Member
3773 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 1999

@Molly929: I was going to ask about depression too. That seems like such a huge change in personality. When you ask him to go to coundeling do you tell him how you feel about the relationship or does he honestly think things are ok between the two of you (despite the sexual part)?I am sorry you age going through this. I hope you and your Darling Husband can work through this hard time and get back to the relationship you once enjoyed.

Post # 10
Member
30 posts
Newbee

This is very sad to read, I wish that you were not going through this… Soulds like something that can be worked out between the two of you. I do think that your Darling Husband needs to be on board with working through the issues although he is telling you that he does not think you need counceling and he is perfectly happy. Bottom line is, you are not happy and there are two people in this relationship.

I think you should continue to communicate your feelings of disappointment and unhappiness to him in an attempt to make his realize that this is a serious issue that could cause your marriage to fail in the near future.

What was the setting and timing of your communication of this issue? Sometimes, that plays a part in a man’s ability to HEAR what you are saying.

Post # 12
Member
1327 posts
Bumble bee

The first thing I think of is “The less you do, the less you want to do”, If seems like he got out of the habit of oging out and doing things which caused him to put on weight which makes him want to do even less. I would try getting him out and about as best you can, try and get him active again and maybe his spark for life will come back. If it doesn’t then I would honestly walk away if that is not the life you want.

Both my Fiance and I struggle with this, both of us sit in an office all day so getting out and being active is really tough. Once we are out it is great but getting out is a fight, when you aren’t active you feel tired all the time, it is a horrible circle to be in.

Post # 13
Member
1798 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

It sounds like you too need to have a serious talk. Explain to him that you are unhappy and that fact should be enough for him to try counseling. If he still refuses to go, there’s really no way that you can fix this marriage by yourself and I would move out with the hope that will be the wake up call he needs.

Post # 14
Member
7293 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011

These eating habits are totally new?

 

Post # 15
Member
241 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

@PurpleToes2:  First let me say, I am sorry that you are dealing with this, I imagine it is tearing you a part.

“i THOUGHT he enjoyed the same activites as I did. I do not know if he was just going along because we were dating or if depression or weight gain has changed that.”

I would venture to say that somewhere deep inside he still does enjoy these things, but he just can’t seem to get beyond whatever personal issues he has going on to enjoy them anymore. I think that the depsression, excessive eating, and weight gain are a symptom of a much deeper issue and not the problem. When I read your initial post I wondered if there was something going on with his job/earnings, etc. It seems a lot of men tie their value/worth as a husband to their ability to provide. You mentioned that he makes far less, he has other financial obligations, and that you are now paying most of the bills in the home. I say that there is a recipe to make a man’s self esteem take a nose dive. As a result, he has become a shell of the man that you met, fell in love with, and married. While I think that couples counseling is a good idea, I think that he needs to seek out individual counseling FIRST. In order to get through couples counseling you need to show up and be willing to do the work. I don’t gather that he will be able to do the work collectively until he gets to the root of and begins working on his own issues that have caused this depression. I hope that for his sake he can get help and move past this funk that he is in, I can’t imagine it’s easy for him to be in this situation. I also hope that for the sake of your marriage that you both can work through your issues together, and one day look back at this stronger, wiser, and in a much better place. Many blessings and {{HUGS}}

Post # 16
Member
3068 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

To me it sounds like he may be depressed. Depression can cause all the thins you listed above.

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