(Closed) Regular bee going anon… SO CONFUSED. Need advice terribly. :( Vent I guess…

posted 5 years ago in Encore
Post # 2
340 posts
Helper bee

Sorry for your situation Anonymous.  Here is my unprofessional opinion.  This man sounds selfish and immature.  He does not seem to be ready for marriage at all.  And… I think you know it deep down, which is why you have voiced these concerns.  

Post # 3
9687 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2013

Why are you with this guy?  Love is not enough to make a relationship work.  He sounds really immature, not sure how old you all are but he sounds pretty young and not ready for marriage. Is this the type of relationship you want for the rest of your life? Because marriage doesnt fix anything. 

Post # 4
1066 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

When he is constantly lying to you, and you are constantly snooping through his things to see what he is lying to you about, that is not a mature relationship ready for marriage.  No exceptions, no other sides of the story.  I’m not saying your relationship is doomed, but I would put a wedding on the backbench until seeing a therapist and trying to solve all these problems.


Post # 5
713 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

You sound like you’re more unhappy, but settled with what you have in your relationship. I think you might want to think about how the both of you could change to make this a healthy and always happy relationship, because right now it sounds forced and unbalanced. 

Post # 6
1557 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

anonymousbee90:  First: communicate.

Sit down together and talk it out. Both of you need to talk and the other listen, not just wait your turn. What’s happening at work with him? What’s happening with wedding planning that might be getting between you two? Are there financial worries? Are there reasons why he finds it easier to talk openly to people other than you? What can you do to be more open to his banter? What can he do to make you feel more attended to?

Is he a huge basketball fan and watching the final four? Because that would explain the desire to watch mucho TV these days.

There’s a book that many have cited on the Boards for realizing ways the other needs to be treated to feel loved. 5 Love Languages. Read it, let him read it, take the quiz and discuss how you can be more available and attentive to the others’ needs.

And if you ever feel the need, my fiance and I have found the book “101 nights of great sex” by Laura Corn to be a very fun way to spark up our love life. There are seductions for him to do and seductions for her to do and one for you to plan together. They range from pushing sexual boundaries to simply giving in to finding the romance and sensuality of making out old-school. Some don’t cost a penny to plan, just a bit of time that you dedicate to the other each week. Some require a bit of investment. But it gets both of you involved in planning and anticipating sexy time together.

I will admit to having an issue with my libido that is related to stress and weight issues. It was affecting our relationship and my counselor suggested 101 nights of great romance (which is out of print and only available in ebook form) and from there we decided to give 101 nights of great sex a try and have enjoyed it so much that I’ve suggested it to about 6 other friends, and all of them have been having a great time exploring their boundaries and learning to love the simple things as well.

And this lady with a couple glasses of wine will shut up about the sex books now.

Post # 7
210 posts
Helper bee

Yes, this guy like others say sounds like an immature boy.  He needs to grow up alot and I would not marry him until or if he does. 

About the facebook thing..man o man can i go on about social media.  In lots of ways its great but in many many ways its just a pure recipe for disaster.  Crazy people will always come out of the woodwork and be around in the virtual world..and its not natural.  Not too long ago, when we cut ties with an ex, we actaully cut ties!! There was noway to “watch” their whole life or represenation of life, I should say, (because facebook and the like aint real life!) continue on in our face.  But nowadays this is the case, and I think its a real negative for more people than it’s not.  Your guy needs to grow up and live his life not his life on FB!  I suggest you both close your FB accounts indefinitely or until he is mature enough to handle it.

Post # 8
65 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

I have heard way too many stories lately about husband’s having double lives. If he has talked to women very personally in the past, do you Think he’s just going to stop?  I don’t want to assume anything about your situation,  but I hope you do look at it with an outside perspective. Please do not settle if you have doubts.  I wish you all the best!

Post # 10
624 posts
Busy bee

Seriously you are asking if he is going to be abusive to you?  I would suggest that he already is – laughing at you and not being bothered when you cry are not signs shown by someone who cares about you very much!  And he doesn’t want to have sex with you – really??  You sound quite young – why are you staying with him you deserve someone who adores you.  I see it so many times on these boards – girls settling because they are scared of being alone.  Please don’t be – you will survive and find true love one day I promise.  Otherwise I can also promise that in a few years you’ll be posting on a different type of forum – a divorce one!

Post # 12
347 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

anonymousbee90:  Hunny i say this with love not sarcasm,i think its you thats being naive about this relationship. You can want it to work until you are blue in the face but it doesnt mean it will

There has to be love,there has to be respect,there has to be boundaries.

LOL-ing at her comments after seeing your picture was none of these things.Confiding in her about his ex,that too.Laughing at you when you are upset,hello no. Crushes,no sex? Hunny this relationship is one sided and not very nice but if you want to sign up for a lifetime of that then thats your choice

i just hope you reconsider

Post # 13
4941 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

anonymousbee90:   He doesn’t respect you, and he doesn’t respect the relationship he has with you.  The man in your life should hold you above all others, honor you, cherish your feelings.

Please look up co-dependency.  He is showing very poor behavior and you are enabling it, unwittingly.   You deserve far better.   I had a relationship very similar to what you describe, and I am so happy I found the courage and self-esteem to get out of it. 


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