(Closed) Regular Bee undercover – need some good advice

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
  • poll: What would you do . . .
    Take care of the kitty and provide emotional support where you can for your brother : (75 votes)
    48 %
    Send money to bail him out and get him on his feet : (3 votes)
    2 %
    None of the above - he abused your relationship too much already : (62 votes)
    40 %
    other and I have advice below : (15 votes)
    10 %
  • Post # 32
    3120 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: June 2012

    Please remember that you were a CHILD when this begin.  Would you help someone who would do that to a child?  I understand that he is your brother but he is dangerous and is a criminal, even if your family wasn’t sure how to deal with it. 


    I suppose you could take the cat but I would KEEP the cat as well. 

    Post # 33
    2100 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: April 2012

    Hey Hive –

    First of all let me say how my heart is full and my eyes are full of tears for the support that I have received this morning.

    Because I posted this anonymously last night it had to be approved.  While it posted this morning, I did not have the counsel of a wonderful sympathetic community leaving my Fiance and I to talk and pray and talk some more.

    We talked about several things

    First and foremost we were torn – my brother is sick and needs help and admits that he does but we know as is usually the case with addiction and mental illness that the help will not last long.  I assumed he had no memory of the events of my childhood and while it meant so much pain for me for him it was just part of the cloud of sickness that he lives in.

    Our wedding date is very fast approaching – how would  we feel having a lavish wedding knowing that he was homeless yes due to his own actions but at an event so focused on family it would be there – the pink elephant in the middle of the room that no one mentions.

    I am a victim of sexual abuse but I have taken pride in never letting it define my life – if I took that out of the equation and let God judge him not me what would my decision be

    If I took his cat I could not cut off contact.  His pet is his child and it would be a foster situation and even if I did cut off contact it would be a daily reminder of my brother. Right now we are almost 2000 miles apart and this would be inviting a piece of him into my home to take part in my daily life – how much salt would that be in my wounds

    We prayed, we dropped it and we went to bed with the agreement that I would call my brother in the morning to ask him what would he do if I offered that help. 

    So this morning I called and offered.  I would send enough money to get him over this bad time – one time deal and he was on his own.  Keep your kitty, get on your feet and grow up.  He accepted as I knew he would.

    And then hive, we got in the car on the way to work and Fiance pulled out an envelope with a considerable amount of money that Fiance had been putting aside for spending money for our honeymoon.  He said “send this”  and I cried and cried and cried.  I will replace that money (and add extra believe me) before our trip.  I have spent my life alone, independent and abused – very strong from learning to survive in a family that did not provide the support and love that is normally accepted but gifted in faith and forgiveness but always alone.  For the first time in my life I understood what it meant to be part of a family.  To be part of a loving living breathing entity of support.

    So I called G one more time to tell him what Fiance had done.  And I do not know why but I asked him for the first time in my life do you remember what you did to me as a child.  And he broke down and cried and said yes and said he had carried that with him his whole life.  That he knows he destroyed me as a child.  I let him know that while I had never forgotten I had forgiven, that I had not let it define who I was and that I loved him as my brother.  I told him I hoped that the gift we were giving not only money but forgiveness would allow him to go on with his own life but that I had no expectations that it would.   I let him know that if he really was sorry for what he had done that he would make a life for himself.

    This has been probably the most emotional 20 hours of my life and the biggest demon that haunted me has been faced.  I cannot tell you what it meant to have him say I did it, I destroyed your childhood.  I have been in touch with my mother and she has acknowleged what I have been through and dealt with by myself and I am at peace.

    And I am glad that is one less piece of baggage I have to bring into marriage to a man that has proved so much to me.  I cannot wait to spend the rest of my life with him knowing his character and his love and understanding.  I truly maybe the luckiest woman in the world 🙂

    Thanks all.

    Post # 34
    4504 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: September 2010

    @Ms Bookworm:  I know it doesn’t make rational sense, and I completely understand why everyone else is saying the opposite, but, yeah, that’s what I think (provided, of course, that her helping him doesn’t put her in any danger). 


    Post # 35
    8882 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper

    I also think you should take the cat. There is no need for that cat to be abandoned, I’m a big animal lover. But as for your brother, definitely not your responsibility.

    Post # 36
    4504 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: September 2010

    @unixfairy:  Wow, this is amazing. I really think you and your Fiance did the right thing. You chose healing and forgiveness, and that’s really hard. 

    Post # 37
    7899 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: March 2012 - Pelican Grand Beach Resort

    This is such an awful, difficult situation you are in. I keep vacilating between advising you to leave his butt to fend for himself and advising you to do the “bigger” thing and bail him out. It’s kind of a totally insuffience parallel, but I teach at a university and when students try to take advantage of me and get away with stuff or have serious probelms in the their lives they are wporking on and need special accomodation beyond what I’m required to give them (like a former studne who was trying to recover from a heroin addiction and kept slipping back in), I usally go ahead a make certain concessions, give them a gameplan to work their way back to success, and then watch as they self destruct anyway, but that way, I can never look back and say I could’ve helped that person if I had only done XYZ. So I do XYZ, and let them mess it up for themselves if that’s the way it’s going to be. I obviously don’t invest an unreasonable amount of time and effort in extending help to them, but I make success possible. On the rare occassion the person actually does what they need to do to catch back up, it really feels good to have helped. So for me, it works out either way. Now, of course, none of these situations come with the emotional baggage in your case, but perhaps by extending some support, you can gain something as well. And if he fails again, at least you can never say it was your fault. I guess the big concern here would be whether you think he would skip out on the bail. If you’re confident you will get the bail money back, I’d do it.

    Or just abandon his butt…

    See, still can’t decide.

    Best of luck to you and yours!

    EDIT: just saw your update. I’m glad you found comfort and came to a decision.

    Post # 39
    6015 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: March 2012

    First of all I’m so sorry you are going thru this.  The fact that you are praying and really worrying about not just the cat but your brother too, is amazing.

    My oldest brother soudns like your brother.  Mine has had drug problems since he was 16, in and out of jail, discharged from the army honorably (amazing feat).  He was fully financially supported by my grandmother than my grand aunt.  He has physically assaulted just about every single person in my family, all my brothers, my grand aunt (72 years old), he took a swing at my mother when she was pregant with me, and that got him tossed out of the house. 

    Hell would freeze over, pigs would fly before I helped my brother.  I wouldn’t, if I were you, get involved with him again.  He’s going to suck you and Fiance into the mess that he sucked your other brother into. He must be a master manipulator if he has you worrying about him after all the things he’s done to you.


    edit… I just read your post … you are so strong and so very amazing!!

    Post # 40
    685 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: April 2012

    I have a soft spot for animals, so I would say that you should keep the cat and never speak to the brother again.  It is not your fault that he continues to mess up, and you don’t need to be the “fixer” all the time.  I understand that you want to try to give him a second chance because he is your brother, and you think that maybe he’ll be different this time.  Look at the past and realize that he’s never going to change.   I wish that the answers would be easier for you, but just stay strong. 

    Post # 41
    868 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: November 2011

    You need to stay far, far away from this very sick individual.  I know he is your brother but there is a difference between taking care of family and getting kicked around.

    If you bail him out you are saying “WHAT YOU DID IS OK TO ME, I WILL CONTINUE TO PAY FOR YOUR MISTAKES”

    Did you ever get an apology?  Did your parents ever apologize to you?  

    Post # 42
    3063 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: November 2012

    I agree with most of the advice above. Take the cat, forget about the brother.

    Post # 43
    72 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: September 2012

    so sorry for the trauma you are going through, i think the fact that you are willing to take your brothers kitty in after all he’s put you through shows what a lovely person you are. 

    i think you should take in the kitty as the cat never did anything wrong and i wouldnt want it to be homeless. however i dont think finacially bailing your brother out will do any good, for a person to make significant changes in thier life they have to want to change. i think its something he will have to do on his own. sometimes you have to hit rock bottom to realise. but if he starts making positive changes maybe giving him a little emotional support may help.

    i think its good to get a little advice but ultimately this has to be your decision as its you that has to live with the choice either way. none of us can understand what he has put you through during the years i just wish you luck and hope it all works out for you x

    Post # 44
    1575 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: October 2012

    I would take care of the cat, who is an innocent victim in this mess. I have a similiar situation with my older brother and I helped him financially for over 5 years and his downward spiral still continued. My money ended up being used for booze and drugs when I was trying to help him get back on his feet.  I was ENABLING, not helping! Sometimes you simply have to let people go.

    Post # 45
    85 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: June 2013

    Take the kitty but don’t help him in other ways. 

    Post # 46
    2214 posts
    Buzzing bee

    I would take the cat and not support him financially or emotionally.

    The topic ‘Regular Bee undercover – need some good advice’ is closed to new replies.

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