Hey Hive –
First of all let me say how my heart is full and my eyes are full of tears for the support that I have received this morning.
Because I posted this anonymously last night it had to be approved. While it posted this morning, I did not have the counsel of a wonderful sympathetic community leaving my Fiance and I to talk and pray and talk some more.
We talked about several things
First and foremost we were torn – my brother is sick and needs help and admits that he does but we know as is usually the case with addiction and mental illness that the help will not last long. I assumed he had no memory of the events of my childhood and while it meant so much pain for me for him it was just part of the cloud of sickness that he lives in.
Our wedding date is very fast approaching – how would we feel having a lavish wedding knowing that he was homeless yes due to his own actions but at an event so focused on family it would be there – the pink elephant in the middle of the room that no one mentions.
I am a victim of sexual abuse but I have taken pride in never letting it define my life – if I took that out of the equation and let God judge him not me what would my decision be
If I took his cat I could not cut off contact. His pet is his child and it would be a foster situation and even if I did cut off contact it would be a daily reminder of my brother. Right now we are almost 2000 miles apart and this would be inviting a piece of him into my home to take part in my daily life – how much salt would that be in my wounds
We prayed, we dropped it and we went to bed with the agreement that I would call my brother in the morning to ask him what would he do if I offered that help.
So this morning I called and offered. I would send enough money to get him over this bad time – one time deal and he was on his own. Keep your kitty, get on your feet and grow up. He accepted as I knew he would.
And then hive, we got in the car on the way to work and Fiance pulled out an envelope with a considerable amount of money that Fiance had been putting aside for spending money for our honeymoon. He said “send this” and I cried and cried and cried. I will replace that money (and add extra believe me) before our trip. I have spent my life alone, independent and abused – very strong from learning to survive in a family that did not provide the support and love that is normally accepted but gifted in faith and forgiveness but always alone. For the first time in my life I understood what it meant to be part of a family. To be part of a loving living breathing entity of support.
So I called G one more time to tell him what Fiance had done. And I do not know why but I asked him for the first time in my life do you remember what you did to me as a child. And he broke down and cried and said yes and said he had carried that with him his whole life. That he knows he destroyed me as a child. I let him know that while I had never forgotten I had forgiven, that I had not let it define who I was and that I loved him as my brother. I told him I hoped that the gift we were giving not only money but forgiveness would allow him to go on with his own life but that I had no expectations that it would. I let him know that if he really was sorry for what he had done that he would make a life for himself.
This has been probably the most emotional 20 hours of my life and the biggest demon that haunted me has been faced. I cannot tell you what it meant to have him say I did it, I destroyed your childhood. I have been in touch with my mother and she has acknowleged what I have been through and dealt with by myself and I am at peace.
And I am glad that is one less piece of baggage I have to bring into marriage to a man that has proved so much to me. I cannot wait to spend the rest of my life with him knowing his character and his love and understanding. I truly maybe the luckiest woman in the world 🙂