(Closed) Rehearsal Dinner Advice/rant – Long

posted 8 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 32
Member
351 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

@AlmostMrsJPS:  There’s no time like the present to start setting appropriate boundaries. Are you and Fiance doing any premarital counseling? I would definitely recommend having a serious conversation about money and his family. Those are the sort of conflicts that destroy marriages.

Post # 33
Member
2053 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2015

Our Out of Town guests are very Out of Town – out of the country!  So we’re inviting everyone who’s arrived at our venue (a resort about an hour outside of the city we live in) to come to the Rehersal dinner.  It’s at a pub in a nearby town (on Valentine’s Day no less!) They are more than welcome to say no, but we look at it as another big party and time to spend with people we don’t get to see nearly enough.  

We’re not covering the cost of dinner/drinks though.  We are buying appetizers for everyone (large platters) and we’re going to buy pitchers of beer for the tables, and probably wine for those who don’t drink beer.  But just the first round.  After that and for dinner they’re on their own!  

Fiance and I are paying for everything wedding/rehersal/honeymoon related.  Well, we budgeted for it.  Our parents have both offerred to pay for certain aspects (flowers – which we get at cost, DJ – I got a friend and family discount because we work for the same company, invites – we used vista print with a bunch of discount codes.)  I definitely don’t expect them to pay for any of this.  They’ve offerred.  We would be able to do it without the help.  I really don’t understand why parents foot the bill at all now.  And I’d never expect it, but that may just be cultural.  I think having a list of who is ‘supposed’ to cover what is ridiculous. 

And I don’t think you get any say in anyone else’s finiancial business.  It’s rude, IMO.  And if you don’t like what they can afford then you pay for it yourself.  

Post # 34
Member
3949 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

Wait by saying “we’re” paying for this and “we’re” paying that … you mean your parents cause you’re not paying for anything …. right?   The “we’re” isn’t you and your FI?  

I understand tradition but welcome to adulthood.  You want things you pay for things.  Your Future Mother-In-Law can invite whomever and spend her money anyway she wants.  You can’t dictate.  OH and you do know the music is traditionally paid for by the FI’s family…. It sounds like if you and Fiance have money saved you should be putting it down on a honeymoon, don’t say anything about it to FIL’s and maybe they will reimburse you.  If you let this get to you too badly you’re going to never get past it.  You are very lucky your parents are paying for things, that’s really very nice of them.  

Post # 36
Member
1306 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

This is very confusing. If you dont want anybody to get stuck paying for this, then get out of it. As long as she’s inviting the minimum ppl you want (bridal party & SO’s, immediate family), you should stop talking to her about it, send her whatever contact info for invitations she needs, let her know that you and your parents and Fiance are letting her handle it fully and will put your money into other aspects, and let her plan by herself. The only way you or your parents can get slammed with paying for it is if you continue as you are now, which seems like you’re co-planning with her. If she’s hosting, butt out and let her host. If you want to keep co-planning the event, then yes, she will probably expect you to co-pay.   

You say “we’re” doing things traditionally, but it doesn’t seem like everybody’s actually agreed to that? Or maybe you are just micromanaging them? Also, if you tell someone that, traditionally, they should pay for your honeymoon, they might feel pressured to say that of course they will pay for it even if they can’t afford it. 

it seems better when the child of the parents asks their own parents what, if anything, they would like to, and are able to, contribute or what portions they’d like to cover, while letting them know how much any items they plan to cover cost or seeing what parts they would like to plan. after that, a reminder about planning or payment deadlines is fine, but not constant reminders. If the parents don’t follow through or seem like they won’t have the money, the couple should just have a plan b of how they’ll handle it themselves if the parents drop the ball – maybe the event/line item is cancelled and you go without, maybe you pay for a downsized version, etc

Post # 37
Member
6592 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

If your Future In-Laws can’t afford the Rehearsal Dinner then you have three options: 1) let them plan the Rehearsal Dinner they can afford and stop worrying about it; if anyone is upset/disappointed in the Rehearsal Dinner it’s not your problem because you didn’t plan or pay for it; 2) cancel the Rehearsal Dinner altogether; you don’t have to have a Rehearsal Dinner, especially if you can’t afford one; or 3) figure out how to incorporate the Rehearsal Dinner in your budget (either from money from your parents or money you and your Fiance save.)

It’s 2014 and parents are not required to pay for your wedding and as soon as you understand that, the faster you can get over it and figure out how to pay for it with the budget you have or money you can save over the next few months.  My Mother-In-Law and I made homemade lasagna for the Rehearsal Dinner in order to save money.  Everyone had plenty to eat and it fit within our extremely tight budget.  Even if it only ends up being pizza and soda, nobody is going to complain about a free meal and if they do call them out on their blatant rudeness.

Post # 38
Member
453 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

Your parents should not have to cover if she doesn’t follow thur. Either you need to be ready to pay for it if she can’t, or politly decline from her hosting it and pay and plan it yourself. I understand that your parents want to help you an I think that’s great but I wouldny put that in them as well.

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