(Closed) Rehearsal Dinner drama- help out a clueless groom

posted 5 years ago in Parties
Post # 3
Member
2376 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

Well, my Future In-Laws are paying for the rehearsal, picked & booked the venue, and invitations will be worded accordingly.  Traditionally, it’s the wedding party and anyone else directly involved in the wedding ceremony.  But some people add out of towners just to be nice.  They’ll probably send paper invitations just because that’s how they are 🙂  Not the same stationary as the wedding invitations, these will be much more casual. 

Also, just something to keep in mind…some things aren’t worth WWIII over.  If it keeps the peace in your side of the family to invite some extra people to the rehearsal dinner that they’re paying for, it might not be a horrible thing.  If you can’t stand them, or having them there would cause friction with your dad’s side, then absolutely put your foot down.

Post # 5
Member
1177 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

In your place I’d just pay for it myself. It’s the only sure way to put a stop to the power-play drama. But you should still invite your mom, along with the rest of your immediate family, the bride’s immediate family, the wedding party + guests, and the officiant.

If you have a limited number of Out of Town guests, it’s nice, but not required, to invite them too.

In your case I would just have the invitations read:

“MrsGT2 and GT2 

invite you to a rehearsal dinner

etc etc.”

We did our Rehearsal Dinner replies via email, but the last time I hosted one (for my FI’s son), I did response cards. So you can go either way.

Post # 6
Member
155 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

If I were you, I would decline her offer to pay for the rehearsal and pay for it yourself. That’s not to say you need to keep with her original plans. You can make it much smaller and more affordable by say, having it at your home, a local restaurant with a private room, at a park pavillion, etc.. you can serve bbq, pizza, or some other inexpensive option.

 

As far as who to invite, you can invite as many or as few as you’d like. The only people you are required to invite are those who attend the rehearsal. Personally I’m inviting my Out of Town guests, but you certainly don’t need to.

 

I think your mother is being petty about excluding the other half of your family, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t invite her. I might be tempted to not, just to make a point, but really, it’s probably not worth the drama she would inevitably cause if you excluded her.

 

It gets tricky when you accept financial help from family, because some people take their gift to mean that they get to decide anything. Truth is, when someone coughs up money to help you, they do get a say in how the money is spent. This is why we decided to pay for things ourselves.

 

To summarize, pay for the rehearsal yourself. Unless of course you decide you are ok with your mom’s ridiculous, petty plans. As far as invite wording, if you are paying, just put something along the lines of Bride & Groom invite you to…etc. You don’t need to recognize someone else as the host if they are not hosting.

 

Also, welcome to Wedding Bee! I always kind of wish there were more men around, it would be nice to get some perspective from the XY’s once in a while. 🙂

ETA- Regardless of whether you invite every aunt and cousin you have to the rehearsal or not, you must invite the dates of the wedding party. This is pretty much non negotiable unless you are prepared to be rude to your wedding party.

Post # 8
Member
155 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@GT2:  Sounds like you’ve got it figured out. Just invite the wedding party and their dates, and your immediate family. BBQ is always a good option for the budget concious, so you can probably get this done pretty inexpensively. Use a cheap place like vistaprint or 123print for invites and you’ll be good to go. Best of luck to you!

 

ETA- Oh, by the way, alot of regular restaurants also do small scale catering, and its generally FAR more inexpensive then using a catering company. I know places like Boston Market, Texas Roadhouse, etc… Just some other options for you in case the future Mrs. isn’t on board with the BBQ idea!

Post # 9
Member
1361 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

@GT2:  I personally would LOVE a rehearsal dinner bbq, a laid back time to hang out with friends! Also if it is a chill bbq I  might do an invitation over the phone and have them confirm through email… So happy you could talk to your dad about it and it all worked out. Best of luck!

Post # 10
Member
1130 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Future Mrs. GT2 here (or is he Mr. CaliHoya?!) Yeah, I think we will take care of it ourselves. In the beginning, we discussed with his mom the plan was to have it with the just the bridal party (and their dates of course) and the parents, grandparents, officiant and DOC. People who would be at the rehearsal. That’s already a ton of people. Most Out of Town folks have their own plans already. Also, they only want to invite 2 cousins and their dates (I’ve only met the one cousin) which is strange because they would be the only ones not in the wedding at the Rehearsal Dinner. 

 

That being said, I told GT2’s mom that I was fine with them coming (you pay, you get to say is how I feel), but did they know the situation (e.g. that they were the only people not in the wedding or a date of someone who is, who would be attending the RD) and the only response I got was that she wanted them to come. I was all for the BBQ idea and I think we might just do that since this is all such a mess. I just don’t want other family members to feel left out when these random cousins come to the Rehearsal Dinner or for the cousins to feel awkward at the Rehearsal Dinner. When we accepted the gift of paying for the Rehearsal Dinner, it was the understanding that the guest list was just the people I mentioned above, but now that the terms have changed, I feel like we may need to move forward ourselves. That may cause issues in and of itself, but I don’t really know which option will cause less DRAMZ. 

 

Post # 11
Member
859 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2018

@GT2:

Normally parents, grandparent, bridal party, flower girl’s/ring bearer’s parents, out of towners, and other people that are somehow part of the wedding (like if your having some readings done) are invited.  If there are a lot of out of towners than most don’t invite any out of towners to the rehearsal dinner.  In my opinion no one gets a +1 to a rehearsal dinner.  This is all about you and CaliHoya so whatever makes you both happy is what should happen.

I suggest you invite your mom.  I realize she’s causing a lot of drama but this whole wedding most likely means a lot to her.  If you don’t invite her; she will never forgive you, you wont ever forget it, and she might not ever even talk to you again.  So if you never want to hear from your mom than don’t invite her but if you want to keep some type of civil relationship than just invite her and move on.

Personally I would just pay for it all myself.  I know you guys weren’t expecting this and money may be tight (I’m only stating a possibility).  I just think accepting secret money from your dad to help pay is a bad idea because if your mom finds out that’ll probably end nasty.

Some call the ones who are invited to the rehearsal dinner and others send out card.  In my opinion they are both perfectly fine.

Post # 12
Member
1130 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@greymonkey42:  We’re inviting his mom, that’s not a question at this point. We wanted to invite no out of towners since that’s most of the guest list and we don’t want 2 receptions. I think our biggest concern was that it seemed exceptionally rude to cherry pick out of towners to attend in a rendom fashion.

This sucks because we’re not just getting married but also living across the country from where the wedding is and moving there a few weeks as well. Would be nice not to have to deal with this on top of it all, but we really wanted something low key and I think now we can do that if we want to just handle it ourselves. We have no problem socializing with people after the rehearsal dinner and we’re even leaving late for our honeymoon to spend time with guests that traveled (and possibly doing an event on Sunday), so I don’t feel like it’s a big deal to limit the rehearsal dinner to those involved in the wedding (basically those people greymonkey listed above).

Post # 13
Member
8686 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2013

@GT2:  tpyically you invite everyone in the wedding party and family members.

oot guests can also be invited.  we are only inviting oot guests who are planning on coming on friday night, not every Out of Town guest

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