(Closed) Rehearsal dinner guest list drama

posted 6 years ago in Parties
Post # 4
Member
3773 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 1999

Could your Fiance talk to his Dad and explain the whole thing to him. Or maybe the two of you could cover the cost of the aunts and uncles? Or after dinner maybe they could meet up with the group for drinks? This sounds like a really tough spot to be in, hopefully you can come up with a way to include them:(

Post # 5
Member
388 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

To me, grandparents are part of the wedding party if they want to be.  The are escorted down the aisle and are as close or closer to you as bridesmaids.  I’d tell your Father-In-Law to deal with grandparents being invited.  Aunts and Uncles and cousins can be iffy with the rehearsal dinner…  You may have to come up with a compromise for them.  

Post # 6
Member
411 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Well, I always thought that the “tradition” was that all out-of-town guests were invited to the rehearsal dinner, because they’d probably be in town already for the wedding and they’d have nothing to do, so it’s nice to have a party for everyone to relax and enjoy themselves before the wedding! So that’s crazy that he’s fighting you on inviting a few people, especially since he’s not paying for the wedding.

What I would do, honestly, is offer to pay for the people you’d like to invite, perhaps reminding him that tradition is to invite all out-of-town guests. Odds are, unless he’s REALLY miserly, he’ll realize what a tool he looks like nickel-and-diming the rehearsal when he’s not even paying for the actual wedding (which presumably is more expensive … by a lot) and stop objecting. Worst case, you have to pay the $30-$40 each to invite the people who really ought to be there. He is definitely in the wrong here, especially after he shot down your idea for how to have a cheaper and simpler Rehearsal Dinner that everyone could be invited to.

Post # 7
Member
4193 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2012 - Baltimore Museum of Industry

I sent this info below to Fiance, after Future Mother-In-Law was wanting aunts/uncles/etc. at the rehearsal dinner (bumping our 25 people up to 40), so I’m looking at this issue from the opposite side.:

This is from Emily Post’s Wedding Etiquette, FIfth Edition (2006) 

 http://www.emilypost.com/weddings/planning-your-wedding/460-the-rehearsal-dinner

The guest list at a rehearsal dinner should include the members of the wedding party and their spouses, fiancé(e)s, or live-in partners; the officiant and his or her spouse or partner; the parents, stepparents, and grandparents of the bride and groom; and any siblings of the bride and groom who are not in the wedding party.

Every other site I’ve come across says the same thing. -“It’s a nice gesture to include out-of-towners if your budget allows, but it’s by no means a must.”  

So yes- you’re only asking for 4 people, but as host, he can limit the guest list to those who are “supposed” to be there. You’re correct-it’s not that much money for those extra family members, and since he can afford it, it’s kind of crummy, but etiquette wise, he’s correct. We’re inviting OOT-ers to meet us at a bar after the dinner. 

 

Post # 8
Member
1866 posts
Buzzing bee

@Bichon Frise:  That is frustrating, I’m sorry that you’re having a negative experience with your rehearsal dinner.  I think one thing to keep in mind is that we (as brides) need to keep our expectations low when it comes to other people giving money for our weddings.  I know it’s easy to think – well he can afford this so he should do this – but you never know what people have going on in their lives.  I do agree with MrsMeNow – perhaps your FH can be the one who talks to his dad on this issue since he is presumably closer to his dad than you are.  Good luck.

Post # 9
Member
1866 posts
Buzzing bee

@PinkFlemingo:  It’s definitely not tradition to invite all out of town guests.  

Post # 10
Member
1629 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

Admitting that I only skimmed your post – please be considerate to the feelings of the person planning the rehearsal dinner. Ours got cancelled because the host (MIL) gave herself a full blown panic attack the night before and went to the ER for chest pains… she was trying to invite both of my parents to it. Couldn’t understand why that was a bad idea! 

General etiquette is that all Out of Town guests be invited to the rehearsal dinner though, as well as the SOs of the bridal party. I’m no Emily Post, though.

Post # 12
Member
989 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

If you can’t cover their costs, can your grandmother?  I know you probably hate to ask her (I know I would), but this is her request. 

ETA: Also, it doesn’t sound like your Future Father-In-Law has said “no” yet.  Hopefully it won’t be an issue, but you’re really going to have to draw the line on the guest list here.  No more additions.

Post # 14
Member
1238 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I’d suggest that you convince your Fi to talk to him, and emphasize that the extra 4 people you want there since they are from out of town and they are your close family, is only going to run an extra $160. If he refuses to talk to his Dad, or if the Dad stands his ground, then pay for the extra guests. If it’s important to you to have them there, make it happen. Or, like someone else suggested, invite them to join you after dinner for some drinks and/or dessert.

Post # 16
Member
989 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

What did you mean by your last post, about what Future Father-In-Law said?

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