(Closed) Rehearsal Dinner – soon-to-be father in-law says no to vegetarian plan

posted 7 years ago in Etiquette
  • poll: Should I have a vegetarian rehearsal dinner?
    Yes : (18 votes)
    13 %
    No : (118 votes)
    87 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    4803 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: September 2011

    Sorry, but your FI’s dad is right about the money – if he is paying he most definitely has a say in the menu. It’s very nice of your Fiance to agree to a meat-free wedding since I’d assume he and most of the guests are not vegetarians. I was for many years but am not anymore. I think it would be a more than reasonable compromise to have meat at the rehearsal dinner but not the wedding. I egt that ethically you think it’s wrong, but since your groom clearly does not feel that way (so I’m assuming you can’t have to big of an issue with that, he must eat meat around you, right?), I’d let the rehearsal dinner go. Not a battle worth fighting in my opinion.

    Post # 4
    Member
    158 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: October 2011

    I understand where you are coming from, but I would let his parents decide since they are the ones paying for it. As long as there are things you are able to eat I would leave it be. No need to start any family problems close to your wedding. It’s a good compromise too since your wedding is vegetarian. 

    A lot of people don’t like vegetarian options honestly. Your fil might think he will look “weird” if there aren’t meat options. He is just ignorant about how you feel but as long as there are things for you to eat I wouldn’t worry about it!

     

    My in laws are inviting people I dont necessarily want at the rehearsal dinner but I am putting on a happy front just to make everyone happy then doing exactly what I want for my wedding. I’m worried if you do a seperate dinner you are going to start drama that you might not want so close to your wedding. 

     

    I’m sorry you’re going through this though!

    Post # 5
    Member
    158 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: October 2011

    @courtney88 — exactly

    Post # 6
    Member
    2425 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: May 2012

    I’m sorry but I agree with PP’s- your in-laws are paying so they have a say in the menu. You did get your vegetarian wedding, which is huge. I understand that you have ethical reasons for not wanting meat around, but at the same time, your in-laws may feel uncomfortable forcing those ethics on your guests who for the most part, probably don’t share them. Since they are officially the hosts of the rehearsal, it is their right if they do not want to look like they are forcing vegetarianism on their guests. I tend to agree with that honestly. So I think it is a more than fair compromise to have meat at the rehearsal and not the wedding.

    Post # 7
    Member
    3574 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: September 2011

    I agree – that’s great that you are a vegatarian, but your guests are not.  You are hosting them as your guests, and you should consider that a lot of them like meat.  If you aren’t having it at the wedding, you should at least give it at the rehearsal dinner.  

     

    Post # 8
    Member
    994 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: September 2011

    @MrsTVLover: agreed.

    Also, not be be gross, but a lot of people can’t handle that much roughage!

    Post # 9
    Member
    172 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: September 2011

    Yeah, let it go.  I’m a pescatarian but we are serving meat at the wedding and the rehearsal dinner.  Your guests will appreciate it.  Seriously, pick your battles or you are going to exhaust yourself. 

    Post # 10
    Member
    1110 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: September 2011

    I am a vegetarian but my wedding is a pig roast to make hubby the farmer happy. It’s all about compromise… I understand wanting to have a meat free wedding but it’s only you. It’s not like you are both vegans and lots of your family and friends are. This is a good chance to offer some neat vegetarian dishes to show people what you are about and that vegetarian eating can be delicious too. I actually have a few vegetarians coming to the wedding so there will be lots of meat free options for them.

    If you want a meat free rehearsal it isn’t fair to ask Father-In-Law to pay for it. I think he sees it as a party that he’s hosting, not you, so he has the say. Your best bet is to just be flexible and appreciate that he’s having this party for you.

    Post # 11
    Member
    286 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: April 2012

    I’m a vegetarian as well. We will have a majority of non-meat items but we are having some options. We are doing that because my family is paying and my dad wants meat. Moral of the story is it doesn’t really matter that its your wedding because you are not paying for it. Sure you should get input but unfortunately you need to take into consideration the opinions of the people with the money. They are the reason you are having a wedding.

    Post # 12
    Member
    1696 posts
    Bumble bee

    You are correct, that if you want to have control of the rehearsal dinner menu and guest-list, that you must decline your future Mother-in-law’s kind offer to host the dinner, and host it yourself. Deciding these things is the right — and responsibility — of the hostess. Trusting in your hostess to take care of your concerns is the right and responsibility of the guest.

    But before you make the decision to take control, please consider a few factors.

    First, greed for control is just as ugly a characteristic in a bride as is greed for money or registry gifts. Traditional social graces require a give-and-take between the role of host and guest, with all contributing members of society taking their turn at fulfilling the responsibilities of both roles. This is in fact why the groom’s family have the right to offer the rehearsal dinner, to rebalance their role in society given the tremendous hospitable offering being made by the bride’s family. Declining that offer would show contempt for them and for social graces, and show you in a bad light.

    Second, any time you are asked as guest of honour to an entertainment, you should make all efforts to accept. A matter of ethics — as this is to you — is one of the very few permissible reasons to decline. But it would also be a reason to decline to marry a non-vegetarian. Your position is compromised and you would be creating great difficulties for yourself by trying to make this a sticking-point.

    Lastly, while you say you don’t want this to be about your inlaws, the fact is that weddings are about family and community. If it were only about you and your husband, you could move in together and that would be it: hold your ceremony Gretna-Green ftashion and wear your pretty wedding clothes for one another. Even if your only goal is to be the centre of attention  for one day in your life, you need a community and families to pay that attention. And, greed for attention is not miuch more attractive than for control or goods. Building relationships is a better foc, us for a wedding — or at least laying the foundation for future relationships. Those people you don’t know now might, over the next fourty years, turn out to be in just the right position of influence to help you and your husband achieve goals you haven’t yet even dreamed of. Try to see the generosity in your inlaws’ offering you access to those private resources.

    Post # 13
    Member
    238 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: October 2011

    @aspasia475: Totally agree. Trust me, OP, no matter how strong your convictions are, you don’t go around offending your future in-laws over a little food. I learned this the hard way when I had to choke down my MIL’s cooking the first time and pretend I loved it, lol.

    Post # 14
    Member
    1833 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: August 2014

    I think it’s one thing if your Father-In-Law refused to have any non-meat options for you to eat at your own rehearsal dinner. I don’t believe that is right. But, if he just wants to offer some meat dishes along with a vegetarian dish that you can eat, I don’t see a problem with it. Honestly, I’d be a little annoyed if I went to a wedding where the food was all vegetarian, even if I knew the bride and groom were vegetarians. I think it’s a bit unfair to your guests. I think its fair to offer both items at both the rehearsal dinner and the wedding.

    Post # 15
    Member
    217 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: October 2011

    @Krises : what she said TOTALLY!!!!

    Post # 16
    Member
    32 posts
    Newbee
    • Wedding: May 2011

    I get that it IS you wedding, just like mine is mine.  But from my perspective, the reheasal dinner is not “mine.”  My future Mother-In-Law is having a great time planning it, and it is completely up to the in-laws how it is done.  Like someone else said, they are the hosts, and me and my fiance are the guests of honor.   No one is going to think it is odd that the rehearsal dinner had meat and the wedding did not.  The rehearsal dinner reflects on your in-laws, the wedding reflects on you.  I’d just appreciate the fact that they want to invite their friends to enjoy the this time with them!

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