Rehearsal invite list when most guests are from out of town

posted 6 days ago in Etiquette
Post # 2
Member
1816 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2020

The rehearsal dinner is for people who are at the rehearsal with you. Anyone else is optional. The breakfast is also extra. Your guests are being a bit much

Post # 3
Member
247 posts
Helper bee

View original reply
@westcoastbride44:  were doing our rehearsal a few days before with the members of our wedding party that can make it and our parents.

We’re doing a casual welcome dinner the night before for all hotel guests as we also have many out of state guests. It’ may be a lot of people, but it’s only $25 a head, and we’re limiting it to hotel guests that are staying the night before the wedding only, plus our parents and wedding parties. But this is totally optional and not necessary. Your guests are all adults and can figure out what to do. 

Post # 4
Member
938 posts
Busy bee

I think that used to be the general idea when most weddings were local for 99% of guests. So the ONE or TWO people who had to travel in you’d include them. That doesnt really apply when 90% of your guests live elsewhere! Do not feel bad – if they only wanted to attend a wedding which also had additional events they were welcome to decline. I agree with pp – your guests sound a bit demanding and dramatic!

That said, if you, your mom, or someone else wants to host something you may look at just doing a drop in open house at the hotel bar? I personally dont love this idea because it forces you to be stuck there for hours at a time, but you could either buy everyone 1 drink, or have people buy their own and chit chat. BUT I would not feel obligated to do that at all. My in-laws are host-crazy and wanted to host a big welcome party for my wedding. My husband and I showed up for maybe 45-60m and then left, having far too much to do (and honestly not wanting to attend my in-laws party LOL). 

Post # 5
Member
4577 posts
Honey bee

I would have swapped the breakfast for a casual welcome dinner. 

Post # 6
Member
557 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2022

View original reply
@westcoastbride44:  ur not being cheap. your relatives are being big babies. what adult needs to be “welcomed” to some other adult’s wedding? how strange. i would not pay or hang out with more ppl than immediate fam and bridal party that night and have zero qualms telling ppl that. if your mom has a problem with it she can plan, organize, and pay for it.

Post # 7
Member
1816 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2020

Fyi, I had a 9 guest covid wedding. DH and I were still feeling overwhelmed the night before. Unless you’re a big party animal, I don’t recommend having a “welcome dinner” for 100 plus people the night before your wedding, when you presence would be expected. I’d stick with the breakfast so the pressure of the wedding is off

Post # 8
Member
3792 posts
Honey bee

In my circle it is traditional to invite all out of town guests to a welcome event, and the breakfast the day after the wedding is optional. So if it were my wedding the out-of-town guests would think it was odd not to have the welcome event. 

I see three options:

Cancel the breakfast and host welcome event.

Keep the breakfast and your mom can pay for the welcome event.

Keep things just like they are and those relatives will just have to deal with their disappointment.

Post # 9
Member
7901 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

When I married my ex my best friend hosted a ‘welcome’ event for about 50 people the evening before the wedding–cocktails and enough apps to be dinner. I was grateful to be there as a guest and have a chance to introduce some people before the wedding. I provided the invitation list and had some input on the menu but arrived and left with the other guests–no prep, no clean-up. If your mother wants to host something that requires no effort or expense and you could leave when you wanted to would you be open to it? 

If she doesn’t want to host something she really needs to zip it and stop passing on petty complaints from relatives. 

Post # 10
Member
5966 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2013

I have been to way more weddings as an out of town guest than an in town guest (including ones where there are only a few of us out of town era) and have never once been invited to the rehearsal dinner or a welcome party that was paid for by the couple. 

I think it’s very rude that they are complaining about it to your parents and I would not commit myself to another event the night before. I also personally would much rather have the breakfast the next day right before heading out vs trying to time it for an event the night before.

Post # 12
Member
3792 posts
Honey bee

View original reply
@westcoastbride44:  well that is interesting. Are you certain that these relatives are actually complaining, or is it your mother who thinks this must be done so she just told you that?

Post # 14
Member
210 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

The only thing to do now, if you want a night before the wedding party, would be to pick a bar and tell people you’ll be hanging out there and they are free to stop by if they’d like.  Make it clear that this is “no host” but a way to have a family reunion if folks want it.

Post # 15
Member
7901 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

View original reply
@westcoastbride44:  Yes, it’s crazy for her to suggest you add another event ten days out and rude for her to pass along any negativity. The next time she brings up any new ideas for you to pull off just respond she should let you know if she wants to take that on and change the subject. Sigh. I’m sure everything you’ve planned will be wonderful. 

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