(Closed) Rehersal dinner etiquette?? What are you doing for yours?

posted 9 years ago in Etiquette
  • poll: Who is arranging and paying for your rehersal dinner?
    Bride & Groom : (40 votes)
    31 %
    Groom's parents (traditional) : (73 votes)
    56 %
    Bride's parents (non-traditional) : (6 votes)
    5 %
    Other. Please explain your circumstances. : (11 votes)
    8 %
  • Post # 17
    Member
    627 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: August 2011

    we are having a potluck since the bride or grooms parents cannot pay for it and we are paying for mostly the entire wedding.

    Post # 18
    Member
    231 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: June 2011

    I agree with what’s been said above…your fiance should talk to them (definitely not your dad). If I were you, I’d make sure he gets an idea (or a solid answer) about how much they can contribute, and whether they want to plan AND pay for the rehearsal dinner or just make a general contribution to the wedding.

    The one thing I think you should be careful of is this: if you ask FI’s parents to pay for the rehearsal dinner, that also means doing it “their way.” And as it sounds like they aren’t super traditional/don’t know about the traditional way costs and planning are split, you should be prepared for not having a traditional rehearsal dinner.

    My FI’s mom elected to just give us $$ to use as we see fit–she’s not planning the Rehearsal Dinner as she lives really far away. We’re doing a super casual pig pickin’ so we can invite more people.

    Post # 19
    Member
    1664 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: May 2011

    Your father shouldn’t contact his parents.  Ask your FH if he feels comfortable asking.  My parents haven’t offered to pay for our wedding, even though that is proper/traditional b/c they cannot afford it.  If one of my Future In-Laws called my parents to casually ask about the wedding expenses, I would be beyond angry and my parents would be very embarassed.

    Post # 20
    Member
    10285 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: October 2011

    FI’s parents are paying for our rehearsal dinner (as well as a few small things here and there). I think if anyone was going to ask your FIL’s about their contribution, it should be your Fiance. Something like that coming from your father may send the wrong message. 

    Post # 21
    Member
    2538 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: November 2009

    Grooms’ parents paid although we ended up putting a card down to extend the bar tab…

    Post # 22
    Member
    3048 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: January 1991

    I think your fiance should be responsible for asking his parents to host the rehearsal dinner. It would be rude if anyone else discussed this with them. He needs to check with them to see if they are willing to do it, and tell them the reasons why he feels they should. Once that happens, you’ll have your answer.

    In my situation, I have no clue who is paying for the rehearsal dinner. My parents are traditional and are paying 100% for our wedding ceremony and reception. We do not have any money left to pay for the rehearsal dinner. Plus I don’t think it’s fair that one family pays for everything, while the other family is enjoying the food and party with no cost. It’s not like my fiance’s parents are having a money crisis. Though they refuse to talk about the wedding at all. My fiance already asked them about the budget but they never said anything. I am going to ask him to ask them again, specifically to do the rehearsal dinner. If they don’t want to do it, then we’re not having one.

    Post # 23
    Member
    645 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: October 2011

    I’d proceed with planning your own rehearsal dinner (don’t tell your dad you’re paying for it) and who knows, maybe your FI’s family will offer once they realize it should have been planned already.

    If you really think your Fiance should bring it up, maybe he should just have a conversation with them about what you guys are thinking for the Rehearsal Dinner and see if they volunteer. If they don’t, leave it alone. (My FSMIL has already asked for the guest list and I’m not getting married until October! I feel like they’d have brought it up already if they intended to pay for it.)

    Post # 24
    Member
    352 posts
    Helper bee

    I am planning it along with my Maid/Matron of Honor and each set of parents will be paying for their sides

    Post # 25
    Member
    284 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: October 2011

    I think etiquette has NOT caught up with the times, and until it does, I don’t think that we can continue to abide by those rules. Because I don’t think that etiquette would have condoned anyone to ASK FI’s parents to plan/pay for the rehearsal dinner…in the time of those etiquette rules, FI’s parents would have just done it. So many things aren’t followed under the etiquette rules, because people just don’t know…for example, etiquette says that the grooms family should also pay for the flowers and the alcohol. Anyhow–if I were you, I wouldn’t let my father go to FI’s parents about rehearsal, I would either make the plans yourself, or send Fiance to talk to his parents. Our parents (both Fiance and mine) were gracious enough to make contributions, and so we are dishing out monies as appropriate, anything that their money doesn’t cover, we are on the hook for. We are planning the wedding and rehearsal ourselves.

    Post # 26
    Member
    1227 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: October 2011

    I agree with PPs. No way should your dad call them up and ask, it will just make everyone feel uncomfortable. If your Fiance also feels that it would be the right thing for them to pick up the rehearsal dinner, he should bring it up with them. But I also agree with PP who said that if they haven’t brought it up by now, then they probably weren’t planning to host the dinner. If he wanted to be really direct, maybe he could say something like, “We’re hoping to finish up our budgeting for the wedding soon, and I wanted to find out if you wanted to go the traditional route and host the rehearsal dinner?” If he wanted to be a little more subtle, have him try what @sonj818 suggested and bring it up as if you two are already planning the dinner yourselves, and see if they offer.

    I lucked out on this situation, and I totally thought I was headed for something awkward on it. My FI’s parents have been through some difficult financial times, and there was no way I (or anyone in my family) was going to ask them to pay for the rehearsal dinner. However, I did feel it would be nice for them to offer some sort of help in addition to what we are paying for & my family is paying for, and my mom had asked me about whether or not they were going to host it because she wanted to offer her home as a place to host it if his parents did not want to/were not able to. Luckily for me, FI’s dad started a conversation with my Fiance about wedding costs and noted that they want to help as much as they can with setup and preparations, but they may not have the cash to chip in. Fiance asked if they could host the rehearsal dinner at their house, and just do simple foods (e.g. pizza and beer), and they were very happy to do so.

    I hope your situation works out as easily as mine did!

     

    Post # 27
    Member
    1235 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: July 2011

    We are arranging it since they live in a different state but they are paying for it.

    Post # 28
    Member
    706 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: October 2011

    If your Fiance wants to chat with his parents about it, that’s definitely the best way to go.  Please don’t have your dad call them up…

    As far as ours goes, we made it 100% clear that under no circumstances would either set of parents be paying for anything. His father made a comment about the bride’s family being “responsible” for chipping in, but we nipped that in the bud immediately and said that was not how we were approaching it.

    I think it’s wonderful that your parents have been saving up for your wedding and can give you the wedding you’ve wanted.  But, maybe his parents haven’t been focused on that.  Did they pay for something else?  College tuition?  Other things?  I’ve read a few responses, but do they have other children whose weddings they’ve paid for?

    In my opinion, neither family is “responsible” for paying for anything.  It’s nice if they offer, but I would certainly not expect it.  If my parents indicated that they thought his family was responsible for anything, my first reponse would be to tell them that its none of their business.  If my in-laws paid or not, I wouldn’t tell them.

    Post # 29
    Member
    7295 posts
    Busy Beekeeper

    we are having our rehearsal dinner in Jamaica the day before the wedding. it will take place at one of the resort’s restaurants, so no need for extra cost, just a reservation!

    Post # 30
    Member
    94 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: October 2012

    My FI’s father hasn’t offered to pay for the rehearsal, so I’m moving forward with planning (and paying for it) on our own. My parents are contributing a little to the wedding, but we are covering most expenses. As much as I wish his father would offer (because we are taking a big hit paying for this wedding mostly ourselves – money that could be used towards purchasing a home), I’m almost happier this way. At least I can plan a rehearsal dinner that I want without interferance and opinions (aka restrictions) from his family. If you can’t affort it yourself, have your fiance talk to his family. My Fiance wouldn’t feel comfortable bringing up money with his father..but your’s might be okay doing it.

    Post # 31
    Member
    486 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: May 2011

    We are paying for our like we have done everything else :(.

    But are keeping it casual and afforable. The venue is 10 minutes from our house so we will go back to our home and have a gathering in the back yard. Our backyard is a pretty nice size so we can hold about 50 people. Our guest count is only 85 for the wedding so I think that should work.

    We are ordering pizza, making spaghetti, having french bread and wine. Doing a little decorating and done!

    We are having a lunch instead of a dinner for 2 reasons. 1. It will be ok that it’s less formal because it will be at like 12 in the afteroon on Saturday because our wedding is Sunday night Memorial day weekend and 2. because we want people to have time to enjoy their vacation in South Florida so we don’t want to tie up to much of their time. (my Fiance is most concerned baout this for his groomsmen apparently our wedding is just a side bar to their vacation)

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