RELATIONSHIP ADVICE. Please help me.

posted 1 week ago in Engagement
Post # 2
Member
5190 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2017

Sorry but he doesn’t want to marry you. He has ZERO plans to marry you after 4 years, and wants to go to school and take out a loan and live off of savings instead of getting a stable job and using his savings to get you a ring. He doesn’t want you to pay for anything and I’m 99% sure he doesn’t want you to move with him to Boston but doesn’t have the balls to say it. Let him go and move on with your life. Don’t waste another year with this man. Marriage is not in the cards for you with him. 

Post # 3
Member
971 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

Despite his age, he doesn’t sound mature enough for marriage and all that entails. He sounds very comfortable being in a sort of extended adolescence at home with his parents.  

Post # 5
Member
1427 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

So. Many. Things. Wrong. Here.
1. He’s 30 years old and living with his parents still, bee.

2. He’s not “allowed” to stay over at your place even though he’s a grown ass adult? 

3. He keeps putting you off, saying it’s not the ideal time, which, given his age, the length of your relationship, and the time he has until he starts his program, is just BS. 

4. He’s considering taking out loans for living expenses?? Is he not planning on working at all for the 3-5 years he’s in school?? I’m sorry, but no. Regardless of the graduate program, unless you have parents willing to put you up or a trust fund to fall back on, everyone has to work at least part time through school. Please, please, please think through moving to another city to be with him and paying all the bills. If things were to go sideways with you two, you’d be out the money. 

I know you said your relationship is good otherwise, but you really need to talk through what the next 5 years looks like for you two, and if you can’t agree, it may be time to cut your losses. 

Post # 6
Member
1476 posts
Bumble bee

You’re going on lavish vacations to Paris this summer but he can’t afford a ring?

And he has almost a year and a half before even starting grad school and can’t take you to the courthouse or elope in Paris in that time while saving his entire salary?

OP, you’re dead on- he doesn’t want to marry you. He’s giving you nothing but excuses and you see right through it. I’m so sorry but I think your instincts are right- he’s wasting your time.

It has been 4 years and he’s 30. He knows by now whether he wants to marry you or not. And despite you telling him you feel strung along and upset,  he insists on making you wait 3-5 years. And for what? “The proposal of your dreams with an expensive AF ring that you never wanted.

How insulting. I’m angry for you

Post # 7
Member
1863 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

He lives with his parents and has a shoe collection?? 

Where exactly is his money going? How much does he have in savings (if you’re as honest as you say you should know each other’s financials). 

But the biggest thing, after 4 years he should know he wants to marry you and he should not be able to not marry you if that was the case.

Post # 8
Member
1476 posts
Bumble bee

newbeegirl :  I’m not sure what graduate program he applied to but for nurse anesthesia school if I recall correctly in many schools students are required to sign a contract that they will not work at all for the 2-3 years they are in school full time. It is absolutely insane how rigorous CRNA school is so that part didn’t surprise me if that is what he applied to. I’m not a CRNA though so I could be wrong. Anesthesia people please correct me if I’m wrong!

im not saying that taking out loans is a great idea but I don’t get the feeling he plans on not working strictly because he doesn’t want to

I agree with you that the rest is all red flags 

Post # 10
Member
15 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: January 2016

Well, we all mature at different speeds. You seem to be following the societal norm, while your partner is not. At 30, he seems to think of himself as a boy, living with mom and dad, buying shoes with his cash, not being ‘allowed’ to have sleepovers at his girlfriends house. 

Now, I don’t doubt that he is a very nice person, and credit must be given to him for being truthful – he has told you explicitly that he is not ready for marriage, no where near it in fact. Based on your description of the situation, I’d predict that he’ll be ready for marriage closer to 50 than at 30, and I say that conservatively. 

 

If you were my friend, I’d be strenuously encouraging you to avoid uprooting your life, altering your career or financially entangling yourself with this man in any way. 

Post # 11
Member
153 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

Think of this – going to school in Jan 2020 makes it 6 years together, if he “can’t afford” to get engaged before then, obviously he can’t afford it while being an unemployed student, so add 3 more years on that. 

Do you want to wait until you can say that you’ve been together 8 years and still waiting for him to be ready?

Post # 12
Member
1503 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2021 - Kauai, HI

So it must be CRNA.  You can’t work during that and it would be extremely hard even to be in a relationship.  He seems like he’s just not in a place yet to think about getting married when he’s still developing his career.  CRNA programs are highly competitive so it’s not even a sure thing he’ll be accepted.

i would let this guy go.  He’s not ready for marriage and he may never be.  Do not support this man financially without a firm commitment. The shoes…. that is just weird.  And an RN that lives with mom and dad and doesn’t have buckets of money for CRNA school? Weird.  Bee you can find someone ready for the things you want.  He’s not going to have time for you in the program and it doesn’t seem like you are a long haul priority and you deserve to be. 

Post # 13
Member
4727 posts
Honey bee

Well, you said it yourself – where there’s a will, there’s a way.

Therefore, if he’s not finding a way, it’s because there is no will to do so.  Plain and simple.

People generally find it pretty gratifying to get the things they want.  Humans are ultimately at their core hedonists.  If he wanted it, he’d make it happen.  Unless he’s an exceptionally stupid person, I can almost guarantee that if you thought of all the ways that he could make it happen, he did, too, and then squarely rejected them.

He very clearly doesn’t want to co-mingle your lives now or anytime in the next five years. 

1.  He didn’t make his plans with you, nor did he appear to involve you in the decision making process for school until you told him that you refused to do long-distance.  People who want you in their life involve you in their plans. 

2.  He had his own plans to fund his life for this time period that don’t involve you – likely because he has some semblance of an ethical core where he’ll feel guilty being supported by someone he’s not ready to be all-in with yet.  You’re the one who fell on your sword and offered to foot his bills for him in the hopes that he’ll deem you worthy enough to marry now. 

3.  And he clearly said that he doesn’t want to get engaged or be engaged until he is done with school – which is roughly five years from now if school doesn’t even maybe start for two more years and it’s a three year program.  His focus is on his education and future career.  He may want you, just not as much as he wants all this other stuff first.

None of this seems unclear to anyone who isn’t viewing this with rose-colored glasses and pinning their hopes and dreams that becoming his new benefactor since he can’t live with mommy anymore will make him more inclined to want an engagement now.

I’m not sure why you’re waiting until summer.  You have all the information now for the question at hand – do you want to wait around five more years for the potential to be engaged to this guy?

Post # 14
Member
113 posts
Blushing bee

What benefits you by marrying this particular man?

He’s never run his own household, or held a steady job. He (likely) has massive student debt. If not I’m guessing mommy and daddy paid for it so still not earning him any points in being a beneficial partner in my book.

He’s obviously not ready to be a parent.

He’s not treating you well or furthering your life in any way.

He’s rude to you about marraige, which you’ve told him is important to you, in front of other people.

He can be nice, but still not the partner you deserve. You’re only 24? Go find better!

 

 

Leave a comment


Find Amazing Vendors